So my boyfriend and I have been dating for around a year and a half now. We got together in May of 2024 and went through some rough patches in August, and he broke up with me in early September over my some of the things I did to him
(I went through his phone behind his back, found messages of him texting one of our mutual friends and telling her he wanted to break up with me. This sent me into such a panic attack that I wasn't getting enough oxygen to my extremities that they turned blue and I couldn't feel them. He drove me to the ER at two in the morning. He didn't talk for me the entire day the next day until the very end, where he said he'd try to move past it. Four days later he said it wasn't something he could just more past and that id damaged his trust to an irreparable degree, and he broke up with me. He also did this at a very very bad time in my life, I found out I couldn't go back to school because of my mom, my dad took my car away, an old friend had just killed himself, had the most shitty birthday of my life, all within two weeks)
I went to stay with my friend until further notice because my mental health was too bad to be left alone. We remained in contact throughout then because we had some stuff we needed to return to each other, and five days later he said he was incredibly sorry, that he missed me, breaking up was a mistake, and he wanted to try and fix it. He said he can't imagine life without me and that he'd never fuck up like that again. I took him back after around a day of consideration.
Ever since then he's been incredibly attached to me, incredibly affectionate, and wants to call constantly. It's probably doubled what it used to be. He said it feels like the honeymoon phase all over again but it's just felt off to me. I have no clue why or what to do about it. I've asked him several times if he only got back with me because of oxytocin withdrawal and he reassured me that that wasn't the reason. He's reassured me several times that he'll never make that mistake again and that he was stupid, and he loves me and wants to spend his life with me.
Something has still just felt off though. It feels like I'm still going through breakup sadness even though we're together. I don't know what it is, It feels like I'm not dating the same guy I was originally dating, but I literally am. This has been leading to HEAVY disassociation whenever I'm with him and issues in bed. Whenever he says that he loves me, instead of the warmth I used to feel, I either feel nothing or I feel like I got stabbed in the chest.
It's been over a month and I've forgiven him, I'm not mad at him for his mistake, but it still hurts. I don't know what to do, It comes in waves. One week I'll be as attached as he is and the next I zone out through most of our conversations or don't want to talk to him. I still love him, I still want the best for him, and ultimately I still WANT to spend the rest of my life with him.
I just don't know why I feel this way and I don't know what to do. I've told him about my feelings and he says whatever I do is completely up to me. Any advice or suggestions on what I'm feeling is greatly appreciated
*Sidenote: I have borderline personality disorder, which makes it really really really hard to let go of people I care about. I'll go more in depth about how this effects my relationships if asked.
TL;DR: My boyfriend broke up with me a month ago but got back with me five days afterwards. For him it's been sunshine and rainbows, but for some reason for me it still feels like I'm going through breakup sadness. I'm struggling to realize why I feel this way and what I should do.
Edit: spelling