I went through a 10 year period where I lost both of my parents and two grandparents who I was closer to than my parents. In every case, my husband was MIA in the aftermath of the death for various reasons.
When my dad died, I had to travel for the funeral, and though he had the time off, he felt inclined to stay home so he could have the time to himself/ go out/ who knows.
When my grandfather died, he said he had to work during the funeral.
My mom’s death was long and drawn out, and my husband was busy working at the time she finally passed. When he did finally have time off, he needed to go spend time with his mom and step-father because they were saying they needed him because his step-father was going to die (he was 90, but not having an active medical crisis and he lived 4 more years).
My grandmother died and he hd to sleep or work. Anything but offer any kind of support.
No time, hugs, flowers, or funeral attendance.
I recently found a recording of us arguing about how he needed to rush to his mom’s side at first availability when my mom died. He did say he would stay with me, but that his parents needed him and that he risked not getting to spend time with his step father before his passing. He said my mom dying made him realize the need to rush to his parents side as soon as possible. As a reminder, his parents weren’t dying and he hadn’t spent time with me in the wake of my mom’s death. I do think they were manipulating and guilting him, but I also needed some demonstration of support.
I can’t shake the feeling of neglect and being uncared for. Like the amount of grief I have over having been ignored during these sad times has become overwhelming. It just seems so shitty and indecent.
He is quite decent in other ways/ works hard/ helps as much as possible. I brought up the issue last night and he said I was just looking for something to be upset about. Whatever that means.