edit: i want to change the title but i cant. i dont want to say she hurt me because if makes it seem like she is in the wrong. i got hurt, it was not her fault.
hello all! i am a 21 year old trans woman. to set a background before the story, i was sexually abused as a child and raped after transitioning. altho confusingly i am into cnc(kink). with that established, my new partner(?) doesn’t know about anything other than the cnc kink. she is the dominant in this relationship and we wanted to do some spicy stuff(we are long distance) with my toy and she has the control link(we were texting during this as she was a little busy). we get into it and im being a brat like usual, and she decides she wants to put me in my place(i asked her to). she turns the toy up to full strength and just leaves it like that for 25 minutes. at 10 minutes i tell her it hurts but i specifically told her not to stop, and to “do what you please with me”. three minutes later, i say it hurts again and tell her to stop, she says no and keeps going bc she knows i like cnc. i did not want her to keep going tho because it actually hurt and i was no longer enjoying it, but i was scared to push so i just kept playing along. thirteen minutes later she finally stops and right after she has to go do something so she stops texting, but the last message she sent is “love u stay safe please drink water n get a snack”. i know she didn’t mean to hurt me and i know its my fault because i didnt push back, we never established a safe word, and she doesn’t know about my past. right after she is done i have a ptsd attack and she isn’t replying bc she is too busy so im stuck in this state of panic and hurt. im a little upset she didn’t give me after care but other than that i dont think she did anything wrong, but i can’t shake this feeling of fear. it has been so great spending time with her up until now and i really like her, but idk how to move past this. any advice would be great! have a good day!!! (also, if i need to add any more details lmk!)
edit: i know she didn’t do anything wrong and its my fault for not communicating, i feel this way too. im not scared of her because i think she did something wrong, im scared because im in my trauma right now. i dont know if i said anything in the post that contradicts this, but if i did, that is now how i ment it. i want to move forward with her and i will be setting boundaries and making a safe word. i am upset about no aftercare but i still dont think this is her fault, i just want reassurance and help right now and she isnt here to give it and it sucks. i was more asking for advice on how to move forward more than anything as i know she isnt in the wrong.
update: she continues to prove me wrong and make me feel safe (i have trust issues and abandonment issues that are not caused by her so i honestly feel bad she has to deal with it). we talked it through and we are ok:) we are going to hold off on cnc for a little bit until i feel more comfortable. this is her first experience being a dom so she doesn’t exactly know what to do. admittedly it was pretty dumb to do something that intense with both of us being pretty know to these roles. she is amazing and im so lucky to have her i my life. we had a conversation about boundaries, safe words, and safety. thank you for all the replies and i hope you all have a wonderful life! i will continue to communicate with her and work through my issues with her and my therapist.(if she is comfortable with it obvi)
(im feeling a lot better and calmer in relation to my ptsd as well)