I (29F) have been dating my bf (32M) for almost 2 years now and I feel as though there’s no point where it will get better.
At the beginning of the relationship, he was super caring towards me and loving (although I knew he wasn’t the overly-loving type). He did enough that I didn’t feel like something was wrong. He apparently didn’t like when I told him that I was thinking of not continuing going out with him at the beginning (like any person would) and he started holding that against me. Like I was attracting negativity. The first time we “fought” was over the fact that he didn’t bother to check in atleast once in the day while he was at the beach. Which I feel like may be needy? But not sure because I just wish I would’ve gotten some sort of message back or phone call, since I had done that prior and received nothing the whole day until he came home. That seemed to have annoyed him, fine, I get it. Fast forward a bit, his mom was annoying me a bit because she would constantly want to go out with us or even mentioned moving in with us so it rubbed me the wrong way. I told him, but he didn’t get it. A few months later we’re planning a trip to Japan and I get barely any help planning from him, fine. I told him the day before we left we would pack and to separate the day, he ends up making a plan and so I got annoyed and apparently he held onto that the whole time. In Japan I think he was turning me off because he was like a shadow, absolutely 0 help in anything. I got overwhelmed and we fought, so he took that and held it against me too. After that we had been fighting bad every now and then, but recently it’s been to the point where I feel like it’s not worth continuing.
For context, my bf doesn’t have emotional intelligence. He completely shuts down and will not talk anything out and I want to fix everything in the moment so it’s not the best mix… which I am completely aware of. So now after all those small fights he barely gives me love or attention and then gets mad if I say something. He says that he feels he has to ask permission to play video games because I got annoyed about 2 times because I had gotten no love or attention at all. Now if I want any type of attention I have to tell him or ask for a kiss, hug, cuddle, etc. which makes me feel bad. I give him love constantly, but now it almost feels like it’s out of desperation sometimes so that he’ll “love” me. I brought this to his attention and he stays silent and if he does respond it’ll basically be that it’s my fault and that he’s done nothing. I let him know that he hurts my feelings, and he doesn’t get it. He has no compassion or empathy for anything I say. It always just boils down to me apologizing even though it’s kinda his fault.
I told him it bothers me that we don’t have sex and he told me that because one time I said “just know that maybe I won’t want to have sex everyday….” that it stuck with him. I asked him to check what he wanted to do on a day off and all he says is “i don’t know” instead of checking. Everything always falls on me. I also try and explain that I want us to be okay and not go to sleep mad because you just never know what could happen the next day, that our lives aren’t promised. I tell him that I want us to feel like if one of us died, that there’d be no regrets and that’s why I always end up trying hard for us.
I need to know that it isn’t me. I’ve asked him if he cares (about me or the relationship) and he’ll tell me not in the moment. I’ll tell him that I’m unhappy like this and he just doesn’t care. I cry so much every time and he literally doesn’t care. It’s to the point where I feel like I cry so often it’s just like “here she goes again” rather than understanding the pain and sadness that I’m feeling. I always tell him that we can be okay if we’re annoyed by just talking it out, but he would rather act the way he acts and then have the audacity to says he’s tired of the same thing and that he just wants “peace”… yet the only person avidly trying to explain, understand and talk is me. Literally today I had a shitty day at work, I was telling him and he didn’t even look like it mattered and then at the end of my venting he just stayed in silence and looked at the monitor (I visited him at his job after work) and just looked at it. And so I said that I was going to go because it seems like what I’m saying doesn’t matter and then he said that he was listening, but I told him that I wanted to vent and talk about what happened at work and all he had to say was “my bad” or “sorry” and talk to me and we would’ve been fine. Instead he didn’t want to understand why I got annoyed and then just gave me that stupid silent treatment. And so now all I think is that this person will never try to meet me at my level, understand me, care for my pain or anything. I can’t tell if it’s just me though? Or if it’s not me and that I should just leave the relationship.
(When he cools down he understands, but he doesn’t take accountability for anything and I literally have to ask him to apologize and for what to see if he even gets why he’s saying sorry)
TL;DR: my bf holds onto the past and now treats me like I don’t matter in his life. Is it just me or am I the problem?
Also sorry for the word vomit, it might not make sense or be cohesive only because I’m just typing everything that comes to mind as it does.