I’m a 50-year-old married guy, and overall my wife and I have a good sex life. We’ve been together a long time, we’re connected, and I’m really fortunate that she orgasms reliably from penetration — I know that’s not super common and I don’t take it for granted.
The challenge is that sexually, she’s pretty vanilla. She’s just not comfortable with certain things — oral (giving or receiving), toys like dildos, or anything that feels a little more adventurous. When we’ve tried those things, she seems tense or self-conscious, like she’s enduring it rather than enjoying it. She’s not judgmental about my interests, she just genuinely doesn’t feel comfortable.
I’m trying to navigate this in a healthy way, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t get to me sometimes. I’m not mad at her, and I don’t want to pressure her at all. I just don’t know how to handle wanting a little more exploration when the person I love feels safest keeping things simple.
For anyone around my age or in a long-term marriage — how did you handle mismatched levels of sexual adventurousness?
How do you bring it up without making your partner feel criticized or “not enough”?
How do you balance wanting more with respecting their boundaries?
Has anyone had success gently expanding things over time without pressure?
Not looking to change who she is… I just want to navigate this in a way that doesn’t create resentment on either side. Any advice from couples who’ve been through this?