She says she has known for a while for years (we been dating a few months) and only told her sisters and mom. Her dad doesnt know and she said it is a decision she made. It is bothering me but she said it's part of her story. I asked if it could be a deal-breaker and she said yes. So my mind has been racing and I'm uncomfortable that she is hiding something


20 comments

  1. You’re feeling a lot of emotions, and that is perfectly okay. But you’re spiralling.

    Take a breath. Calm yourself. Let her take the time to tell you when she is ready.

  2. if it’s something that could be a deal breaker to a man , she didn’t tell her dad , and only told the closest women in her life . it’s probably not as bad as you’re thinking unless you don’t support a woman’s choice with her body. just based on the fact that i’m a woman something i’d only tell my mom or my sister and maybe not my dad would be something to do with my personal bodily autonomy.

  3. Instead of asking the world what it might be and validating her fear of sharing with you, ask instead why she doesn’t feel safe telling and how to navigate that. If she said it could be a deal breaker then you have to learn it at some stage of progression in the relationship, so if you want to progress the relationship you need to move it to a place where this secret can be shared.

    Perhaps you should ask her what quality she found in the family members that she has already opened up to that made her able to tell them. This may reveal what kind of investment you’ll have to make just to discover this potential deal breaker. Or if she thinks her secret is a likely deal breaker then be firm about needing to know and let her decide if leveling up your relationship is worth sharing this with you. But don’t play guessing games.

  5. Could be all sorts of things. 
    Maybe she’s pro choice, maybe she never wants kids, maybe she wants 8 kids and to be a SAHM, maybe she’s bi, maybe a hundred possibilities. What could be a deal breaker to some people may not be a deal breaker to you. It’s pretty immature and inconsiderate that she dropped hints instead of coming out with it though. If the secret can affect your relationship, you deserve to know. And if she felt the relationship was too new and she wasn’t comfortable disclosing her secret yet, she should’ve waited, not given you anxiety-breadcrumbs.

  6. Why would someone tell you they have a secret if they have no intention of telling you? This is psychotic attention seeking behavior.

  9. She’s just playing a silly, attention seeking game. Is she very young? A person with a serious secret wouldn’t announce they have a potentially deal breaker secret, they’d just live with it (and in best case scenario, they’d even share it with their partner, so the partner can make an informed decision whether or not they want to continue being with the person in question). Don’t play along.

  11. Depends how long you’ve been dating. I would ask politely then bounce if they drag it out.

  13. I’m going to guess that she is either bisexual or has decided she doesn’t want children. Regardless of what it is, she is playing mind games and you should not stress over childish behavior and find an actual adult to spend time with.

  15. So she’s refusing to tell you something that you might not be with her anymore over? That’s very unfair. Imagine if she found out something about you that you hadn’t told her and it was also a deal breaker, I’m sure she’d be upset.

    Also if it’s something like having an abortion but you are pro life, for example, it means you share very different values so I can’t see it working in the long run.

  16. If she says it could be a deal breaker then it is something significant and you cannot guess your way to peace of mind. The only real option is to tell her you cannot build a relationship without honesty and that you are willing to hear it when she is ready. Secrets do not mix well with new relationships.

  17. Until she feels safe to share she won’t tell you, but I believe she values your relationship enough to flag there potentially might be an issue as she doesn’t know yet how you would react. I would give her a list of what you consider dealbreakers without trying to guess what hers is. And if some can be reconsidered on your end (e.g. having kids vs being childfree) it shouldn’t prevent dating now, it’s not like you guys are getting married tomorrow.

  19. If she’s not gonna tell you honestly.. leave this us stupid and I wouldn’t play games.

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