I went against my guy and ignored my truth. Now I’m stuck. What now?
I apologize for the lengthy post but I need women to help me out. I 23 F and my now wife 25 F, met when I was 19 and she was 21. I had a history of always needing to be in a relationship, so jumped from one to another. I met her while I was in active addiction she was too. Both of us are sober now I have 3.5 years she has 2 years. The first 2 years were great, we settled into our routine, we lived together at this point. Spring of 2024 we had found out she was going to have to be on a work assignment that was 2 months away from home. It was definitely a bummer and hard to stomach and looking back I wasn’t mature enough to handle it because I didn’t know how to take care of myself. Anyway, we talked about marriage a lot. I told her I wanted to wait to do anything until she got home. Well fast forward to 3 weeks before she was leaving we got into a fight about something dumb and she got upset and said “well I’m proposing tomorrow in-front of all our family so I’ll just cancel and tell them we are in a fight” i immediately felt awful and took responsibility for ruining the proposal even though I wasn’t ready for that step and I expressed it. So the next day I had to pretend it was all surprise. I didn’t even want to get out of bed, i felt so anxious cause I knew it didn’t feel right. Everyone was so excited so I thought “this must be good, I should be happy” . Fast forward she comes home and wants to start looking to buy a house. I told her countless times, I was not financially comfortable to buy a house and wasn’t ready, I thought she was listening to me but she just told me you’ll never be ready and it was just anxiety. I made myself believe that against my gut. And guess what now we own the house. As of April 2025. I was still feeling like this wedding wasn’t a good idea, and I couldn’t speak up for myself. Not once I was so scared (still am) of how people would perceive me. So we got married. And now I feel awful. Cause I feel stuck. I ignored my own body, my truth, I have no identity outside of this relationship, I have a partner who cannot communicate without internalizing everything even my own feelings. And I have no idea what to do. I have so much love for her. I know I need to be honest but I don’t want to hurt her. I did this to myself. And I don’t know what I want next. Support, comments, criticism welcomed. Thanks.