When is it your fault? Because I can’t rationalize it anymore as “you just have bad luck.” Do people just cheat now? Does it not matter? Should I go fuck anyone who looks at me funny? Should I use people for money, and food, and rent and then go fuck my ex, or my coworker, or her friends, etc etc etc.?
And do people just not feel bad about it? It’s not a guilty thing anymore? 3 outta 4 of my exes cheated on me- not including the girl I had been seeing for the last 2 months- and you wanna know how many apologized? One. And that’s cuz she still needed to use my car to get to work that morning- when I said no, instantly ghosted.
And you can’t say “well they’re cheaters! Don’t feel bad, they’ll sabotage their next relationship too.” Haven’t seen that happen yet. The one I kept in touch with seems to be doing great with her new boyfriend. I guess fucking him in my apartment was just part of their beautiful love story?
I’m just done. I know what I’m turning into- the jealous, overbearing, toxic piece of shit boyfriend every woman has a horror story about. But I don’t know how to stop it. I thought this last one understood just how messed up I’d be if I was cheated on again. Maybe she did understand and just didn’t care enough. Maybe she wanted to see it happen. Maybe I warned her so much that I put it in her head- is that my fault?
I don’t think I can get in a relationship again and I’m scared that if I ever meet someone perfect I’d push them away or hurt them with this paranoia.
I feel like I’ve tried everything and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Ive tried being open and honest about it- but half the time that feels like a reason why they do it. I’ve tried just not caring too much, not getting invested, not telling them about it- I’ve tried but I can’t. I loved being a partner, I loved being in a relationship and planning dates, making lists of gift ideas, planning little events or parties. Now it feels embarrassing to even try, like they’d be laughing behind my back at how clueless I am- I know how crazy, but it’s coming from some shitty real experience.
If its me I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I’m not horrible looking, I’m not out of shape, I have a good job, I have good (some) friends, I see a therapist. I’m not pretending I’m some big catch, but fuck why me? What am I doing wrong?