Person I’m dating ended it bc of a serious medical diagnosis. Said she needs to step back. Should I wait on her?

46 comments

1. Let it be for now. Insist your true feelings but let her go through the surgery. Maybe a week or two after surgery just text how she is, no strings attached and keep it light for her 6-12 week recovery. Try to visit her as a friend to bring some food or a gift. But also know she may not want you to see her at her worst before you see her at her best for a while, so she may decline. Just stay in touch as a caring human being during recovery and see how it goes from there.

2. Honestly, I wouldn’t want to try and be navigating a new relationship and be recovering from brain surgery. that kinda a lot of pressure.

   I think you just tell her you like her, and if she feels like reconnecting after she feels like she’s ready, that she should reach out, because it will be the easiest yes you’ll ever give.

   And then move on. It’s a balls in her court situation.

3. > Then two days later ended it again over the same thing.
   > Should I wait on her to get better?

   No
   > Suggest dating again after her surgery?

   No

   She told you twice that she doesn’t want to be with you. What part of that you don’t understand ?
   Don’t try to contact her. If she wants to be with you, she will reach out after the surgery.

4. Id pull back, then check on her in a few months. 

5. I think this was probably a nice attempt at a rejection without blaming it on you. If you continue to push, the rejection is going to get harder.

   She set a boundary, and you are asking if you should respect it or not.

   The absolute most I would do in your situation, if you truly think it’s about the surgery, it’s to tell her that you understand and respect her needs here, and that she should feel free to reach out for you if she needs anything after the surgery while she recovers. Then don’t communicate with her again unless she initiates it.

6. No

7. If someone truly wants you, they’ll make it happen. She’s not invested in you yet and has A LOT on her mind, so she doesn’t want to add another thing. Either way, best thing to do is just accept and give distance. Just say you understand and walk away, she will reach out to you if she wants to.

8. Can you try and be there for her as a friend? It’s kinda hard to know if she is letting you go because she thinks she’s doing you a favor or she just can’t handle the relationship. Also, brain surgery can cause personality changes.

   I would be sending her texts and flowers as a friend but not trying to pursue anything with her

9. Never wait for anyone.

10. I was recently hospitalized twice and I very embarrassed to tell my date that’s why I couldn’t go. It’s a different feeling when you’re getting to know someone and it’s so cute but you get really sick . You don’t have the energy to date during that. I would wait if I were you it might be worth it.

11. no

12. Send her get-well flowers and a card around the time of the surgery. Then, a week later, send her a Door Dash gift card because she probably won’t have as much help after the initial week. Then don’t bother her any more.

13. Don’t wait for anyone who chooses not to be with you

    I understand her not wanting to date while dealing with surgery and recovery, but frankly, in her shoes, I’d keep dating you if I thought the connection was worth it. But I’m also very convinced, from my dating/relationship experiences, that love is hard to find, so I wouldn’t let something temporary get in the way of what could be a really great thing with someone

14. I had a relationship end last year under similar circumstances. She had been in the hospital for the better part of six months, and I had been by her side as much as possible. She decided, though, on the other end of this that she didn’t have the headspace to be in a relationship. She felt she was doing me a kindness. And whatever heartbreak I felt, I needed to respect her decision and not carry that torch. I needed to move on and I did.

15. Six weeks isn’t that long

16. Wait her out. One of a kind is rare as 3 forest green titties on a midget. Take the 6 weeks being extremely careful and not dying and planning some cool calm things for her.

    Good.luck having the best possible romance, the kind that books and movies are made of.

17. I’ve personally had this scenario play out many times. Move on. She will eventually lose interest if you rarely see her even if she says she really likes you in person. I’ve had a girl tell me she’s so lucky to have me in her life then one month later tell me she needs to distance herself by setting boundaries because she’s not feeling it anymore.

18. You’ve known this person for 4 weeks and are latching on way too hard.

19. > She told me she feels guilty she won’t be able to be here for me and also feels as though she should take a step back and focus on her health.

    She’s the one undergoing literal brain surgery and she’s worried about not being there for you during her recovery?? I don’t get it.

    > At first we talked and I ensured I wanted to be here for her and I was going to leave her like men in the past when she went through tough times. She said okay. Then two days later ended it again over the same thing. she does like me and thinks we are compatible but she knows she won’t be able to give me what I need

    She’s told you twice at this point. I would believe her and respect her choice.

    > Should I wait on her to get better? Suggest dating agair after her surgery? I haven’t really liked someone like her in a long time. She is one of a kind

    Again, respect her wishes. How will you know she has gotten better if you respect her request to take a step back? She could have said that she didn’t want to see anyone but wanted to keep texting/calling with you. Based on your post, she didn’t.

    Maybe ego plays a role also, as in she was told she’d have a big scar and part of her head shaved. I don’t blame her for not wanting to date like that. Focusing on her health is the right thing to do; dating must seem so fickle to her right now.

    Ask her if she’d feel comfortable if you send her flowers or UberEats. But ask her beforehand. She’ll need all of strength during recovery; don’t force her to manage your eagerness on top of everything.

    Let her reach out to you if and when she feels like it. If she doesn’t, it’s her choice. You only we’re dating for 1 month. You’ll surely find someone else to spark it. Bad timing and big life events in the beginning are part of the dating game.

20. I am def reading it a bit like a soft rejection. Her claiming she “wouldn’t be able to give you what you need” is the part that kind of seems a bit off.. like if you’re offering to be there for her in her time of need, that seems like an odd thing for her to say.

    The “I haven’t felt this way” stuff so early can sometimes be a love bomb. Not always but worth watching.

    I’d say respect her boundary and let her know if she changes her mind, to give you a call. You can def check in after the surgery and ask if she needs anything, but I’d probably give her some space otherwise. If she wanted you there I don’t think she’d reject you about this twice.

21. Move on. If you don’t, you’re subconsciously going to resent her no matter what she does.

22. I commend her for recognizing this and not dragging you through it. My ex’s father was slowly dying when we first started dating, and we shouldn’t have continued. Instead, he put way too much on me for emotional support, and I felt like I couldn’t leave since his dad was in such a bad state. I would have preferred he had recognized sooner/immediately that it was a bad time and let it go with us.

23. I feel for you, op. She put a polite spin on the thing, but it was rejection. You’re focusing too much on the reason, which doesn’t matter. Maybe it *would* be different if the situation never arose, but that’s not relevant at this point. You aren’t the first person to get dumped after a significant life event; it’s maybe the most common catalyst for breakups after holidays. She doesn’t want your support or for you to check in on her in a few months or to try again later, she wants you to take a hint.

24. Had a girlfriend in college diagnosed with cancer. She did the same. But it was a coping mechanism, was fearing the worst and trying to save me the mental anguish. Just be supportive and give them space to process. They will likely need and want your support its just a very vulnerable time

25. I had to undergo brain surgery too earlier this year. My most recent ex and I had started dating January and I got the MRI confirmation in March.

    It was weird for me to navigate. She was very caring, with a lot of it driven by her anxious attachment and past trauma around loss. I was still trying to assess the relationship and while she was very supportive, I felt guilty and like I had to appease her and her worries about me, rather than just handling it myself and with my family.

    Ultimately, she helped take care of me post surgery and I’m extremely appreciative of her for it, but we eventually decided to break up.

    IMO give this girl her space and check back in later

26. Sounds like she will come around when she’s ready, sounds like she’s had to be emotionally independent and not depend on anyone. I would just say… ok, I’m here for you when you need me, let me know if you need anything, and then check in with her in a week. Feel the vibe and let her lead it.

27. No.

28. Move on, find someone else.

29. Shift modes to being a friend and show up consistently until she is ready to turn you into more than a friend. Date who you want & don’t put any part of your life on hold.

30. I think you need to move on. Reason being I was diagnosed with some serious stuff and decided to tell the person I’m with a little over a month of being together. Didn’t want her to feel like I was tricking her or anything, and medical stuff is really your own business until things feel like it could get serious. She was extremely supportive and it has had no impact on how our relationship is. It’s been almost a year and we are both extremely happy. I’m saying if someone wants it to be they would probably want to keep you there.

31. Yeah she’s being awfully thoughtful to not be burden on you.

    If you were to invest in this period in her life and she values it then it could be a real bonding opportunity. Do so at your own cost without expecting any appreciation in return though.

    I agree with others here: she set a boundary and you gotta respect it. Maybe you can push a little without crossing the line. I mean 6 weeks is a lot potential hospital visits in which you two can redraw the line on what kind of help/comforting she’s okay with.

    Also actually seeing her in a hospital bed might also trigger how you feel about her really i.e. it gets real. Would you really sympathize and wanna help? Or would you see her as burden as well? Thinking about what you would ideally do is one thing but when you are physically there and present it’s just different. Emotions during the imprint of the event can cause you to respond in ways you’d never expected of yourself.

    Personally if it were me, I could imagine being disgusted with myself on how little I could do to help.

    Update us in Jan 2026!

32. Don’t wait

33. I would advise against pushing her. I went through 4 years of surgeries and illness and broke off a good relationship because of it, and honestly I’m glad I did. It would have been too much pressure to maintain a relationship and the expectation of contact. I needed to cut him out completely in order to focus on recovery. Let her know, if she would like to contact you after she can. That you care about her and want her to be ok. Leave it at that. If you respect her boundaries she will respect you. Simples.

34. The fact is in her worst times she’s not leaning on you and has made this clear twice now. She didn’t choose you. It’s tough but it’s been made clear. She doesn’t have the bandwidth for it and needs to focus on herself. What you do now is irrelevant, any holding on is false hope.

35. I’ve been in similar situation unfortunately she was cancerous and we never got to meet, after two months of talking because it turned out to be a grade 5. She was a lovely girl and it was almost meant to be she told me her symptoms where getting over a month, but the best thing to do is to be patient if you really have that connection, just check in on her as a friend the week leading up to surgery, wish her well and a speedy recover and check in on a week or two later after the surgery. It will be very overwhelming for her and she will be having a lot of family visits, tests etc..

    Maybe send her some flowers a week later. But no I’ve been missing you etc,, just a friendly check in maybe send her something that will make her laugh, if she doesn’t reply straight away just wait it out and she will reply soon enough.

36. I want to share some things with you and I think I have some perspective: I’m in my early 40s and my husband died 6 1/2 years ago. I have a seven-year-old.

    That whole situation: losing a spouse a business partner becoming a single parent… was extremely difficult. a year after that I got sick with Covid and it has activated a rare genetic immune system condition. I’ve had over 30 viral infections just since January of this year…it’s been a progressive thing since the first time I got Covid in 2020… Stress, Covid, ptsd, all of it has progressively hammered my immune system and gotten me to the point that I’m at now. Where I have viral reactivation every 2 weeks. I’ve had the flu 18 documented times since January… Covid twice, RSV 9x…

    I have PTSD from watching someone die

    I’ve had a couple of bad relationships. I felt like I always showed up…sure I’ve had a lot of pain in my life, but I felt like I was consistent and things like that. I encountered a lot of toxic men and one thing I noticed was a stressful relationship severely impacted my immune system condition . I had one relationship earlier this year that was short but emotionally abusive, and it plunged me into a severe physical state and I became severely sick it collapsed my immune system. Viral deactivation started happening faster…

    And that was when I realized that while I seemed outwardly OK and I thought I was OK…I didn’t have flashbacks for example… so I didn’t have the things that normal people think happen from PTSD…but what I did have was nervous system dysregulation from PTSD…and nervous system regulation can collapse your immune system…so every time I had stress in a relationship it manifested by collapsing my immune system.

    I say that because you’re probably just looking at it like “hey I like this girl cool whatever” but what you bring to that relationship while she’s healing from this can severely impact her it can impact her recovery. It can impact everything. Stress for you might be annoyance. For her it could possibly severely set back her recovery.

    And so that’s a lot of weight on your shoulders as well because I don’t know what kind of person you are, but if you hurt her, even if you don’t mean to, the stress can severely impact her recovery and possibly make her worse even

    So I say that because it sounds like you like her, but that’s a lot of stress early in a relationship. if you like her and you want to see if it will go somewhere just be her friend…no expectations, no pressure, nothing. She doesn’t need any pressure and what she’s probably feeling from this is pressure. Pressure to show up, pressure to not get hurt, pressure for a lot of things. Just be her friend show up for her. Be kind to her. Help her and don’t ask for anything in return. But likewise don’t expect anything in return. That’s what she probably needs right now.

    If it goes somewhere, it goes somewhere… great. If it doesn’t hopefully you made a friend and kept the stress out

    My advice is that:

    Start there

    Be her friend. Don’t ask for anything in return

37. Maybe ask her if its ok if you check in on her after her surgery and assure her that you’ll keep it short and sweet so as not to put added stress or pressure on her while shes healing. Then go from there

38. Dude, she’s telling you no. She has literally said she doesn’t want to be with you while undergoing actual brain surgery.

    That’s not unreasonable.

    No, you should not “wait for her”. No, you should not send her flowers when she comes out of surgery. No, you should not continue any kind of interaction with her, because she literally said TWICE that she doesn’t want that.

    Please, when a woman tells you directly what she wants, believe her.

    Right now, what she is saying is, “you’re great, but I’m too busy with my LITERAL BRAIN SURGERY to give 2 fucks about getting into a relationship, so please just go away.”

    Which, btw, is a slightly more crass version of EXACTLY WHAT SHE SAID.

    Please, OP, for the love of all that you may consider holy, leave this woman alone! She told you what she wanted, idk why you felt the need to come here to verify, but literally nothing you do could possibly make her situation better, aside from doing what she asked. Which is to go away.

    Do not wait for her. Move on with your life.

39. i think you’ve gotten some good advice from others. just sharing my two cents, earlier this year i had a major surgery/cancer scare/multiple diagnoses including precancerous cells unrelated to the initial cancer scare. this happened just after i started dating someone new, and surgery was after we’d dated just shy of 3 months. i ended things. i had this gnawing feeling of “my surgery is either going to end things or expedite things” and when it started looking like the ladder i was the one to call it off. he sent me a kind text the night before my surgery, which i thanked him for, and that was the last contact. i thought i would regret it post-op, and that i’d miss him extra while recovering, but i didn’t. i think ultimately i had to go through this experience alone. 
    don’t wait for her. be kind, and be open to the possibility of reconnecting in the future so long as you’re not putting anything on hold for her. this is just a timing issue, which really sucks, but i’ve heard “the right person at the wrong time is the wrong person” which i think might be true here. it was in my experience 

40. I’ve been in a similar situation as her. Currently not dating until after I recover. Give her space. Be a good friend. Don’t apply pressure. Don’t say you’re gonna be there waiting if you’re not gonna be there waiting. Don’t insert yourself into her healing process. Maybe she’ll be ready when she’s healed. Maybe not!

    For me the fear is being taken advantage of, being resented, or being discarded because of the recovery. Maybe she has the same fear. Medical issues really do change things

41. Go to japan. Live life

42. No??! If it were me I’d be like okay if you wake up from surgery and your new brain still likes me, lmk if you want to hangout. But I’m not waiting for anyone

43. She’s not into it 

44. I think it’s overboard to tell her you’re not going to leave her like men in her past have. You literally don’t know that, she’s still a complete stranger to you. It’s kind of a red flag to even say that, imo.

45. It sounds like she’s overwhelmed and trying to protect you from getting pulled into the chaos. Instead of “waiting” or walking away, you can leave the door open without putting your life on hold.

46. She’s closing the door, let her.

    Also, Not wanting to stay (even) loosely in touch is significant message. I would lose her number.