I (22F) just found out that my boyfriend/fiancé (22M) cheated on me 11 months ago, about a month and a half into our relationship, before we met in person, but after we were already in a long distance relationship and talking every day when he went back home for Christmas. His ex told me back then, but he denied it over and over and I believed him.
Before we ever met in person, we texted constantly and were on FaceTime almost every day. I was really sick at the time because of my chronic illness and was basically bedbound, so he became a huge part of my life really fast. Things felt different with him from day one, I genuinely felt like he was my person even before we ever met. When we finally did meet in person, it just confirmed everything I already felt. And over the past year, I’ve watched him grow so much. He’s done a lot of inner work around how he handles conflict, how he communicates, how he treats me, and how he carries himself in general. The version of him now is so different from who he was at the beginning, which is why this whole situation is so confusing and painful.
Last week I went through his phone and saw he had still been texting her occasionally (nothing flirty, but hidden from me). I messaged her and she confirmed they slept together last Christmas. I also asked her directly if anything else ever happened after that or during the phone calls, and she told me no. I went through the messages myself, they were innocent, nothing flirty, and not constant at all. When I confronted him, he finally told the truth. He also admitted there were short calls I didn’t know about. This all happened five days before he and I finally met for the first time. He went there to get some of his stuff (they ended abruptly after 2 months) and they started talking about the night they broke up and I guess they hugged then kissed and hooked up.
We met 5 days after this happened (a month and a half into our relationship) and used to go two months between visits and now we see each other every few weeks and just spent 3 weeks together. We see each other way more and have genuinely built something so good together.
Since everything came out, he’s been doing everything he can to rebuild what we have: he broke down crying and fully admitted what he did without trying to blame alcohol or circumstances, he’s answered every question honestly, and he’s been extremely patient with my waves of anger, sadness, and panic. He’s asked multiple times what would help me feel safer and how he can show up better. He came to therapy with me and even asked if we could keep going once a month so he can keep improving and so we can rebuild trust with help. He’s been consistent, calm, and reassuring instead of defensive or overwhelmed. He’s been fully transparent with his phone, location, and communication without me asking. He’s been emotionally present, checking in on me, giving me space when I need it, and holding me when I break down. In every way except this one mistake, he has treated me better than anyone I’ve ever been with, and he genuinely seems committed to repairing the damage he caused.
A few nights ago we were being intimate and he completely broke down crying. He said he doesn’t recognize the person who did that, doesn’t know how he could hurt me like that, and that the guilt has been eating him alive all year. He kept apologizing over and over. It was intense.
What’s confusing is that the man he is now is genuinely different. We’ve built almost a year together, recently got engaged, went through a pregnancy loss, and he’s been extremely supportive.
But I’m struggling. He lied for almost a year, hid contact with her, and I’m now questioning everything. At the same time, nothing like this has happened since we met in person, and he really has grown a lot since then, he’s been the best partner I’ve ever had. What makes this even harder is that, despite what happened early on, he’s genuinely been the best partner I’ve ever had. Over this past year he’s shown up for me in ways no one else ever has. He supports me through my chronic illness, helps my recently widowed grandmother every time he visits, fixes things around the house, maintains her car, and never expects anything in return. He’s done research on my condition so he can understand how to help me, and he’s always been patient, gentle, and emotionally present in ways I didn’t know a partner could be.
My family told me that love hurts and it’s up to me whether I trust him enough to move forward. My therapist said it might have been a closure thing and that since we hadn’t met yet, the relationship may not have felt fully “real” to him at the time.
I want to move forward, but something in me feels cracked and I don’t know how to regain that sense of safety. I don’t want to lose what we have, but I’m having a hard time processing the timeline and the lying. I felt okay for a few days after I thought I processed it but it all hit me again yesterday.
Has anyone been through something similar? Can a relationship survive early-stage cheating if the person is genuinely remorseful? How do you rebuild trust when the “why” doesn’t fully make sense?
He also texted me right after it happened on his way back to his families house saying we needed to talk in person but said he froze every time he went to tell me. He’s admitted that not telling me was selfish but that he knew there was a risk of losing me and he knew how much it would hurt me (obviously). I also believe it wouldn’t be easy to tell your partner something that happened before you guys officially met and started actually building a relationship together.
TL;DR: My fiancé cheated 11 months ago before we met in person, denied it for almost a year, and hid occasional innocent contact with his ex. I just found out. He’s extremely remorseful, cried, came to therapy, and wants to work through it. We’re long-distance, recently lost a baby, and he’s genuinely changed. I’m torn between the betrayal and the relationship we’ve built. I want to move past it more than anything.