My boyfriend (40M) and I (30F) basically live together. I sleep here every night, keep my things here, and this is my home. I technically still rent my own place, but the only reason I haven’t moved my belongings out is because I wanted to give my 19yo brother time to save money and safely move into his own place. I kept that lease for him, not because I’m still living there.
My boyfriend’s last partner passed away, and I’ve always been incredibly understanding and compassionate about that part of his life. I’ve never tried to replace anything or make him feel guilty for moving forward. I support him fully.
But this situation is really bothering me.
His late partner’s mom is coming into town for a week and a half, and he asked me not to be in the house while she’s here. At first I tried to be supportive, but as I’m packing and getting ready to leave the place where I actually live, it’s hitting me how uncomfortable this makes me. I’m supposed to leave my own home for over a week so someone else can stay here.
What makes everything even more confusing is that he isn’t emotionally tied to the anniversary or the loss anymore. He’s said multiple times that it’s “something that happened,” that he grieved during the 22 days he knew she wasn’t going to live, and that he’s done with that chapter emotionally. This isn’t a case of him being fragile around the anniversary or needing space.
It feels like this is all about making her comfortable, even though he wants me to meet her, which adds another layer of confusion. If I’m good enough to meet her, why am I not allowed to be present in my own home while she’s here?
To make this easier on myself emotionally, instead of staying at the home I still technically pay for (which would only make me feel worse), I decided to go visit a friend. I’m literally removing myself from the whole environment just so I don’t sit there feeling displaced and hurt. And while it makes logistics easier, emotionally it still feels unfair that the only person being inconvenienced is me.
On top of this, we’re in the middle of planning my full move-in. We’re TTC , I’m literally on fertility medication , and we’re building a real future together. Yet when we tried to organize the extra room for my belongings, the closet he claimed he had already gone through was still full of random stuff. It made me feel like all the emotional and physical labor of merging our lives is falling on me.
I’m a naturally understanding, caring person. I bend, I adjust, I try to be supportive. But right now I feel like I’m the only one compromising. I feel like my comfort is optional, while everyone else’s is a priority, even people who are not part of our daily lives or our future.
I feel overwhelmed, displaced, and honestly hurt that I’m being asked to leave the home I actually live in for someone else, especially when he himself isn’t emotionally tied to the reason behind it.
Am I wrong for feeling this way?
Update:
I want to clarify a few things because there were some details I forgot to include originally.
I completely understand my boyfriend wanting to accommodate his late partner’s mom. I really do sympathize with her, and I can only imagine the grief and complicated emotions she must still be carrying. I’m not trying to make this visit about me or take away from her comfort. I care about her feeling supported while she’s here.
But I also feel like there were other options besides displacing me from my own home for 10 days.
And on top of everything, I realized another layer to why this is upsetting me:
Our Thanksgiving plans are now in limbo.
We’ve been talking about the holidays for months. I love to cook, and I’ve been excited about making Thanksgiving dinner for us. We were also planning to stop by my family’s place.
But because he’s not exactly sure what day she’s leaving, now I’m in this weird space where I don’t know what we’re doing at all. At one point he even said maybe she can cook instead of me — which stung because the kitchen is my happy place and I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time. It also made me feel like I need to figure out my own Thanksgiving plans separately, as if we’re suddenly not on the same page anymore.
I want to be clear:
I’m not angry at her. I genuinely feel for her. I understand why the one-year mark might be emotionally complex for everyone involved.
But between leaving my home, the lack of clear plans, the closet situation, and now the uncertainty around Thanksgiving, I feel like everything is revolving around her comfort — and none of it is taking my comfort or our shared plans into account.
I’m still trying to be understanding, but I’m also feeling really emotionally displaced and unsure where I fit in all of this.