How do you know if this can be worked on or if he’s just shown his true colors and I’ve made a mistake in marriage?
We’ve been living together for just over a year now and just got married a month ago. As soon as we signed the paperwork on our house together, all effort on his end to uphold our relationship was thrown out the window. I had to deal with the bills 100% and it was expected of me to handle all relationship responsibilities. It was on me to inspect if we needed any updates to the house, the cooking, the cleaning, the upkeeping – all me. I was so excited that we would have infinite time to spend with each other while working on the house, but it was the complete opposite. I was overwhelmed and tired out from painting the walls and maintaining the cleanliness to thinking about and buying what we needed for our house. After many long conversations, it finally got a bit better after half a year when it clicked for him that it was helpful to me for him to contribute to our house too.
Fast forward a few more months and we get married only for his efforts to slowly dwindle. I think I am so afraid of conflict after everything that I was okay with solely carrying the weight of our relationship. But after a certain point I guess it’s taking a huge toll on me and I end up snapping. I hate it when I have to nag or repeat myself to ask for help and especially in a relationship when I’m supposed to feel seen and respected. He’s shown lots of micro aggressions throughout our relationship but somehow I’ve ignored them. It’s finally shed light on me who he really is this past week when my open enrollment for health insurance began. I was deciding on keeping my insurance or going on his and splitting it with him and which one would be best should we procreate. After a lot of reading and thinking, I just wanted to gather his opinions and reassure myself if I was making the correct decision by asking him if he could go through his benefits. Much to my surprise, he scoffed and made it seem like it was a huge inconvenience to his day and that “since I’m the one carrying the baby, that he has no responsibility to go over the insurance”. I was taken aback. The argument started there and escalated to him yelling in my face and me looking away. I’m still traumatized by that statement and haven’t spoken to him since then. It’s made me reconsider my whole existence and this marriage. If I have a baby with him, am I going to be a single mom to two children?
Tl;dr my newly wed husband has flipped personalities on me and is taking zero accountability in our relationship while I am carrying the entire load of this relationship and navigating marriage alone.
For context, we’ve been together for 5 years.
Edit: we split the bills but I have to manage all the issues and setting up that it comes with.
34 comments
sounds to be cheap, selfish, and lazy, if true, not going to be happy
He clearly thinks you’re trapped, so he can stop making any effort. I’d get that mess annulled.
Honey you’re already a single mom, you’re literally raising an adult male. You’ve been taking care of all the responsibilities by yourself and now this man is showing you that he doesn’t care. 🤔 Did I miss anything else?
OK he has told you now who he is, and this is not going to get better. He has no interest in being a partner, only in having a wife, and those are two VERY different dynamics.
Read up on the sunk cost fallacy. It doesn’t matter that you’ve spent a year painting the house or that you just got married, getting out now is STILL better than next year, or in ten years, or after the first baby.
You know already whether this can be worked on because YOU have been doing all the work to the point of exhaustion and he literally told you he can’t be bothered with even a conversation.
Please do not have a baby with this man. It’s clear he doesn’t love you and you are just convenient for him.
You’re going to carry the baggage forever or you can set yourself free from it. I don’t see a partner, more like a child.
This is terrifying, luckily you do not have to stay in this marriage. Do you have family close who you could stay with?
“since I’m the one carrying the baby, that he has no responsibility to go over the insurance”
He told you everything you need to know with one statement.
This man does not value you, respect you, or see you as a partner. Do with that what you will, but please don’t bring a child into this loveless and toxic situation.
Do you wanna stay married to this person? This is who they really are. They feel they have you trapped, so they’re acting like this
Wow! After 5 years you’d think the facade would fall a little and you’d see abit of what he was hiding earlier. Looks like he was waiting to lock you in then he stopped putting in any effort. He’s super selfish and absolutely unkind if he treats you like this. Massive red flags here. GET OUT! He has already shown you enough, DO NOT have a child with this child. He’s not ever going to have your back.
Does even he have a job? Talk to a divorce attorney. Stop doing his laundry, cook only for you. Fuck him. When you talk to the lawyer make so he has to leave the house or sell it and split the money. Leave. Got some family you can go stay with for a while? Do that and leave him to suffer in his own shit.
What I am having trouble understanding is that you’re even thinking about having a child with this man child! All I can see ahead for you is incredible misery. He will ruin the joy of your motherhood. Now that he’s shown you who he is, you need to show him who you are and get a divorce.
What a big jerk. Leave. It will only get worse.
Nope, no saving this. He has shown his true colors.
A leopard doesn’t change its spots.
Do *not* continue in this marriage, let alone have a baby.
No more sex. Please, for your future. There’s a decent guy out there for you. Your starter husband is a dud, bin him!
good thing you found out before getting pregnant!
the sooner you leave, the better. it only gets harder the longer you stay.
Cut the losses and run. He won’t change.
Divorce him, asap. Go get a lawyer , and don’t even worry about any lost money from the house, force a sale and get the F out of there.
Rethink the relationship, not your existence. There is a reason the divorce rate is so high. Sometimes, when someone shows you who they really are, it’s time to back away. This, as you say has gotten worse since marriage. Why would you risk bringing children into this mix and add to your workload? Go talk to a lawyer and start separating your finances (if needed) and get ready to walk. That will likely change his tune but that should be too late in your eyes. Good luck to you!
I could not stay in a marriage like this. I would be terrified that he would treat our children the same as or worse than he is treating me
This is nuts. Please don’t procreate with this human. No one needs this as their dad.
…. don’t get pregnant…
Id speak with a lawyer on what your legal options are.
We all make mistakes. Don’t end up miserable with 3 kids. Leave now while you still can… its almost impossible to leave when you start having kids.
Hes not gonna be a good father. No point in even trying. Emotionally step back, talk with a lawyer.. stop buying shit for the house and put everything on pause.
Get an annulment. Tell him you gave him ample time to change but now it’s time for this marriage to be taken off the books and separate forever.
Yeah, OP, I would just divorce him. It’s seriously only going to get worse if you get pregnant. You’ll be the one doing 100% of the childcare, and you’re going to feel so lonely and bitter. Don’t think just because you’ve wasted this amount of time with him that you should keep wasting more time with him. End it. He’ll freak out. He’ll promise to change, because he CLEARLY knew that being helpful and a partner was a good way to trap you to begin with, so he’ll know he can pretend for awhile again, but don’t fall for it. Get out and don’t look back.
Uh, you’re talking about procreating with him? Girl, you gotta pull your head out of your ass and show some respect for yourself. This is a garbage relationship that you keep escalating, thinking that somehow more entanglement is going to make things better, but it’s only going to make things worse. Get out while you still have some shred of dignity and self awareness because the second you have a kid with him, you will find yourself even more alone and even more trapped.
Why the fuck are you not making an appointment with a divorce lawyer?
I really hope you’re not pregnant. Don’t get pregnant with this aggressive man child!
Dear God divorce this loser mooch
He played the long game
Jesus Christ, where the hell do you find these people? The sewer?
He is a disgusting person who sees you as a “baby-maker”. Tell him to FUCK himself and get out ASAP. My husband and I instantly switched me to his insurance through work because it was cheaper, made sense, and we had compatible doctor’s offices for easier visits. It just makes sense in some situations. This is true colors shining bright and it will *not* get better.
This is who he really is & how he plans to treat you. Do not have sex with him & get a divorce now! It won’t get better.
Updateme
Edit: I just saw you posted a year ago about his issues & yet you still bought a house & married him.
Do not under any circumstances have a baby with this lazy bum.
You had doubts a year ago and asked for advice. Why, why would you marry him if you already were so unsure? Get out finally. He will not get better. Get rid of that dead weight.
5 years, no improvements. Get out.
I was in a relationship, not married but similar, carrying everything as well as work, kids and house chores for 15 years – stupid and silly I know. That hope, he will see and change – forget it, our wishful thinking – just don’t.
If he can’t take responsibility for his own shit, he most likely won’t do it for his kids – they end up suffering from his failings to step up too.
I had 2 kids with my ex and hey ho, nothing from him – but thankfully my eyes opened and regardless it was hard to cope being a single mum, I ran for this hills and turned my life around.
I am now happily married to my husband of 10 years and my kids has stability. Best decision ever. No regrets ever. I look back and think what the hell was I thinking and doing. I do not even want to imagine what life would have been if I had held and stayed.
Better days and a better future are ahead – you need to put yourself first and go get that good life for yourself.
Good luck OP, rooting for you! Remember you deserve better x
Yes, you will be a divorced mother. He caught you in his marriage trap. If you have a baby with him, you’ll be stuck with him in your life forever, even if you divorce. He isn’t marriage material. Leave now before it gets harder and messier.
BTW, what did your parents think of you marrying him? Curious to hear if he fooled them, too.