I’m 35, living with my parents, in a rut, and massively struggling with motivation.
My routines, interests, and creative projects all feel dead right now. I don’t want a miracle fix, I just want to not feel numb and hopeless every morning.
If you were in your mid-30s and had to rebuild from scratch, what would be the first few things you’d do?
28 comments
Regular exercise. Running, gym, bodyweight, doesn’t matter. Regular stretching 2-3 times a week.
Action drives motivation not the other way around. Start small to make small changes in the right direction. Limit your use of social media and cheap dopamine. Move your body, either walking, taking some sport classes, etc. Take care of what you eat. Take care of your sleep
I was a similar spot OP. Moved home at 31 to try and get my credit and finances in order. Lost my job of 3 years, dealt with health issues, took 8 months to find a job, it sucked, left after 5 months and thankfully found a better paying one shortly after. Had a falling out with my folks and they kicked me out. I packed up my car and my cat, moved 500 miles away to somewhere I never visited. Best decision I ever made. I’m now over 4 months sober after 7 years of smoking. Changing my environment totally changed everything. Go to the gym 5-6 days a week. Spend time outside. Clean up your diet. Take some online classes or research career skills you can improve on. Take everyday one day at a time. You’ll have ups and downs, it won’t be easy. It it’s worth it.
Sounds like depression, especially using the word “numb”. Therapy would help, although can be expensive. Physical fitness, find a goal and train for something, 5K race for example. I’ve found that having a race on my calendar really helps me not feel like I’m in a rut just going through the motions.
Do you have a job? That is going to be the #1 thing to getting your life on track, even if it’s an entry level job anywhere.
Find a good means of supporting your self and start building……
Got sober and went to trade school at 30.
Changed my life in every way, all for the better (except my social life, but that’s getting back to normal)
I had to rebuild from scratch in my 30s. My social and professional lives both died, I was beyond broke. What got me out of it was getting prescribed to ADD medication, plain and simple.
> in a rut, and massively struggling with motivation.
My routines, interests, and creative projects all feel dead right now.
> what would be the first few things you’d do?
Hmmmmm, you might start by getting your testosterone levels checked and also some basic health bloodwork. If all that checks out OK then get checked for depression
You left out a lot of details so it’s hard to tell. Are you overweight? How much debt are you carrying? What field of work is it? What are your interests? Etc
Start by digging through this thread and reading the zillion other posts that ask the identical question.
I’m in a similar boat – 32, felt most of my hobbies dying in the last few years, fell into a deep depression that feels like it cost me my marriage. Did a lot of couch surfing at my mom’s post separation, and depending on if I can even afford a buyout of my wife’s equity of our home post divorce, I might end up right back there. I would recommend staying active, not even in the gym; just keep moving. I joined a weekly bowling beer league with my newly freed up evenings, and shoot hoops with friends semi-regularly. Make sure your finances are straight – cut out unnecessary purchases, get your debt consolidated, etc. If your job is stable, let it ride, but if you want to grow, find ways to do that now while you have the security of staying with your parents. I’m planning to learn coding or app development in the next few years in case my current job gets phased out. I think the important thing is persistence – I was bowling every so often a few years ago, even got my own ball, but I wasn’t really loving it as I’d only go with my wife or friends that weren’t as into it. Now I’ve been going every week with people who love the sport, and it’s fostered a new passion for it in me that I never knew I had. Long story short, finding your spark again can be hard, but you need to keep trying.
Do you have a job? if not get one. Something interesting. If you do then change it. Get out of the house. Go walking around and be around other people.
Move out. You won’t change until you are uncomfortable. At 35, you are way behind your peers. You should have a career, a place to call your own, and maybe a 2nd job or hobby. It sounds like you haven’t even started life.
Why are you living with your parents at the age of 35?
For me this would be motivation to get up and do something. I would not want to live with my parents at 35 years old because I would much rather have my own life in my own space. If a desire for personal space, privacy, and respect from your parents it’s not enough to get you on the move, then I’m not too sure what else my motivates you?
What’s your vice?
Someone once told me work hard,whether that’s your occupation or in the gym and everyday gets better
Take baby steps, slow and steady, you got this
Simple: JUST DO IT. I realized when you’re beaten down there is no where to move but forward. So, I just started doing that like the miserable trudging slogging death march that life can feel like. Then once numbed to this new drudgery and toil, or thankfully already numb before starting the work, I found that if I am already numb I cannot be hurt. So then after some time passes well…..look at that is that? Hehehe yes it is, look it’s the beginning of a smirk, then a grin, then one day a genuine smile and my son look around: You are winning again.
It’s fine to get your ass kicked, it’s even finer to rise up and rebuild yourself anew with some fresh scars. The only unfine thing is to lay there and remain broken.
You don’t want to let the bastards win do ya? Hehehe there you go, start marching!
Hey, I’m not a guy but I’m 30 and am on a healing journey. I’d be happy to share what I’ve learned so far.
Therapy is the kindness gift I ever gave myself. I started two years ago because my anxiety became generalised and I was in the pits of depression. I thought I’d be put on meds and taught some breathing techniques or meditation stuff…
But this was the first therapist that really helped me. She gently turned me towards self care and kindness. Just small stuff. When I’d get home from therapy, I’d make myself a hot water bottle or paint my nails or tuck in for an early bed time. Whatever made me feel cared for / what I was up for.
And I swear it was like a tumbleweed that just grew as it rolled around- the more little acts of self care I sprinkled throughout my day, the better I felt & the more I was able to give to myself. And when people treated me badly, I gave myself extra care. It became my default coping mechanism.
I slowly taught myself that I was worthy of care and kindness. And that was the catalyst for all my healing.
After that, since I began to feel worthy of connection, I reached out to an old coworker and began having regular meet ups. She handed me kindness and I let myself feel it. I had rejected kindness for such a long time… but hers felt real and I leaned into it.
At that point, my self worth outgrew some relationships that weren’t mutual. I made the decision to stop talking to everyone for a little while. And then I just waited to see who’d give back what I’d been giving them. Very few people gave back.. and those are the people I’ve kept in my life. All the others have had the strings clipped and I no longer invest my time/ energy into them.
After I found out that my partner cheated on me this year… and after I accepted that he is abusing me and I deserve better… I decided to talk to my doctor and start taking an antidepressant to cope with the grief and betrayal. It was heavy.
And about five months ago, I began to thaw out. I was standing in the kitchen when my abuser came up to hug me. I felt my body rejecting the hug and I listened to it. I tried to push away from him but he just held me there. That hug was for him; not me. That was control wrapping its arms around me; not care.
After that, I’ve been feeling in full dimension again. My body feels and I accept whatever it’s feeling and listen. The numbness can thaw- I’ve experienced it.
As for the financial stuff, it can make you feel really trapped. When I feel trapped, that’s when depressive symptoms will take hold.
My advice is to save whatever you can and keep your eye on a goal. It will take time and you need to remind yourself that you are not trapped here. This is only temporary. I’m saving money so that I can safely leave my abuser. It gets rough but I know where I’m going. And I keep saving for my dream of a life without him.
I hope this helps.
When I was 28, I’d been done with college for 4 years and still at my high school job at the grocery store. Still lived in my hometown in the south. Had a roommate and a crappy apartment. Work, get home, video games all day and night, eat a little Caesar’s pizza, rinse, repeat.
I wasn’t unhappy but I did have higher expectations of myself.
My dad was living in New England and had a decent job and offered to let me stay rent free and search for a job. I packed up my TV and video games and clothes and made the 14 hour drive. 5 months later I started a job with a federal agency, I’d gone to school for public administration. 13 years later it’s still my career.
The big change was A) taking a chance when it arose and B) finding a job I really enjoyed.
My dad was
Just get moving. If going to the gym or running isn’t your thing, walk. Walk again. Just do it for 5 minutes today. Do it again tomorrow. Then the day after that. Once you are looking forward to that five minutes every day, start going longer.
Physical activity is so important for mental health.
Early to bed, early to rise, get a routine, exercise to get your system firing.
1- First step.. ask yourself the big life questions for the next 5 years. Who do I want to be? What life do I want? How much money do I want to be making? Marriage, kids?
2- Next up is My mind…. I’ll start listening and watching the right things. No more garbage. I’ll also start reading. Lots and lots of reading!
3- Body.. working out should now be a consistent thing!
4- Finally The plan.. this comes from step 1. having answered the questions in step 1 will let me know what my plan is. whether i’m going back to school, training for a job,
5- finance…. learning how to better manage it
If you’re single, try to find a girlfriend… bcuz once you’re inLOVE you’ll be motivated to do everything.. All the things you love doing before will surely comeback more lively.. who knows it might be your key to be more successful…
Try it man, if it doesn’t work then at least you tried…
Hey……so…..I know this might sound like band-aid fix and I know when we’re like, in the middle of trying to work it out action feels much better than theory but, I think therapy might be helpful if you haven’t tried it. I’m a therapist and sooooo much of what I do is just helping with goals. For some people it’s like, the actual articulating and setting them. For others is the week to week check-in accountability. Or like problem solving the things that pop up as barriers. Providing resources/connections…
And also therapists are often able to help us, like, see the thing patterns we might not see. Or hear what we’re saying when we don’t? (I moved to a new country a few years ago and STRUGGLED with high anxiety taht was limiting all parts of my life and when I described how I was feeling to my therapist she said – do you hear how many times you used the word comfortable when describing your problems? and that helped me to let go of this idea of me having to be comfortable – eventually I went out, got more social, etc…..)
If it’s possible, I would suggest looking into it. Having a focused space to switch your thinking from DOING something to change things immediately to talking/thinking/exploring it for an hour might be helpful. If you have any questions about finding a therapist/first sessions etc. Feel free to ask!
(To be clear I am not in the UK or working there. This is not an ad hahaha)
Take care!
Concentrate on yourself. Other stuff falls into place after that
Community. Lots of advice about exercise and such. All very important. But I’ve found that being around other people who are alive to the world makes an incredible difference.
North American society demands you do everything yourself for self actualization. But humans are meant to be together
Start with group excercise with people that honestly are cliche and encourage the shit out of you. I promise they actually mean it. They can inspire you through small talk to do simple things
The Problem of the Puer Aeternus
Written by Marie Louise Von Franz in 1905
Give it a read, then go fix. Work.