Here's my backstory for that question.
I grew up in a very small town, where families knew each other from generations and as my parents moved in there I kinda had a feeling I am always a new kid at the school, even tho I lived there from the crib. I didn't mind at the beginning, because I was assuming that's how everyone feels. A bit insecure, out of place and twitchy. That's fine. But then I also found out that I was very school-smart and that I am good at studying, doing homework and notes. I was my classes go-to in terms of sharing anything they would need for a lesson.
A little note: I grew up in a family that believes that helping others is good. So whenever you can help without losing anything or hurting yourself you should do that. I still stand with this belief to this day.
So when I started to notice that everyone has some kind of friends I figured I should get some too, because I ain't gonna be lonely till the end of the school, right? Wrong. I started texting some people that asked me for notes and all that, and talking with some more peers, but it never actually evolved into anything like a lasting friendship. I had some casual friends over the years, but I always yearned for something more REAL, more STEADY. My parents would tell me it's normal, that it's how modern world works and friendship and love only belong in movies. So I've shut down and I've let myself get used by other people. That cycle of hope and feeling worthless (because my self-esteem got tied to what I can provide for others) would repeat and repeat on no end.
All that unfortunately changed how I see my role in the friendship as well. To add to my dispair I became that one friend in a group that takes care of everything and everyone so others might have a good time, unbothered. I've accepted I'm always going to get used by people and that even lead me to perceive frienships as purely transactional for some time. I found out that you can learn A LOT from specific people and I tried to wiggle my way into their lifes. I don't think it's that harmful as long as you keep your head, but I don't need that anymore. I would really like to have someone who's as close to a friend as it can be in this awful world.
So my question is how does it actually feel to have a real friend you can rely on, get vulnerable with and all that? How do I actually find someone like that? Am I cooked because of my insecurities and should give up entirely? Please tell me I'm not the only one with that issue.
I wouldn't even be posting that, but I'm writing a graphic novel where relationships play a pretty big role and I figured I need some real-life experience. Also, I do have some friends now, but I don't feel like I can rely on them to be able to listen to me share anything deeper than weather reports or anything that requires time and headspace.
I'm also sorry for anything that broke this reddits rules, I usually don't post much, so I'm a bit unfamiliar with a etiquette here.
TL;DR: I grew up without any friends and now I don't know how to become anyone's friend anymore.