So, I (40M) have been with my fiance (42F) for about 2 and a half years now. We got engaged a year ago. At this point we do not currently live together. For over the last year or so, she’s had some issues with the amount of time we spend together, and I want to make sure that I’m not being insensitive by needing some me time.
Ok, so the situation currently is that I own my house, and she owns her own house. We only live about 12 minutes from each other, so that’s not that big of a deal. The way we have done things the past year is 7 days a week, I go over to her house. We both work 8-5 jobs, so I usually head over there everyday around 5pm after work, we eat dinner together, and hang out and watch our shows or go out to eat or something. On the weekends, I stay with her Friday and Saturday nights, as well as spend pretty much the entire Saturday and Sunday with her. We either stay in, go out with friends etc.. The reason why we spend all the time at her house is because I have a dog, and she has 2 cats, and we’re working on trying to put together integrating them ( he’s never been around cats, so we’re unsure on how that will go) She also hasn’t been to my house in a year, because my dog is hyper to new people, and she’s not really a dog person (she’s not a fan of him wanting to be all over us and all that) He calms down to people over time once he’s used to them, he just gets really excited.
Anyway, she’s been pretty clear about the fact that she doesn’t feel like this is a “real” relationship because I only stay with her 2 days a week, and she would like to be able to go to bed with her fiance at night. I totally understand this, but I’m at a loss for what I more I can actually give. For the last year my days look like this: Mon- Fri: Wake up, work, finish work, go to her house until about 9pm every night, go home, sleep, wake up and repeat. Saturday and Sunday, stay with her, while going back and forth to my house to let my dog out and feed him ( he’s usually by himself at least 40 out of 48 hours on the weekends. I feel like the 2 most important things in my life, I’m giving them all I have as far as time goes, and both are disappointed. You’ll probably notice about my schedule above, one thing that isn’t included is any time for myself. I try to get house work done during the week while I’m supposed to be working (work from home) so that I don’t have to tell her I’d like a Saturday to get my things done. I understand her point of view, but she gets upset if I were to take a Saturday to take care of my things. With us not living together yet, I still have a house and dog that need things done. I have laundry, cleaning the house, cutting the grass, washing my car etc, that always get pushed to the side because I don’t want to upset her. She even made a comment yesterday that rubbed me the wrong way. It was 4:30 in the afternoon, and we were on the phone, I told her I was going to head that way at 5pm, she made the comment that it’s getting later and later that I’m coming over now, and I used to come over around 4. (This was when I was with my old job, I just started a new job and am in training last week) She said, “you only stay 4 hours a night anyway, what’s the point?” I feel like that’s kind of crappy. I do everything I can to make sure that I spend all of my time that I’m not working with her, and to get comments like this really kills my moral.
I’ve tried to have these conversations, but they just usually end with me feeling like I’m in the wrong, and not attending to her needs of having me around as much as she wants.
Am I off base with the amount of time we should be spending together? I’ve been in therapy for the last 6 months, and my therapist suggested that if we don’t have kids, we should be taking a few days a week for ourselves, or to hang out with our friends outside of the relationship. Is that too much to ask for? She’s not a big fan of the friends that I used to hang out with, or the places I used to hang out at before we were together, so I don’t even want to bring that up to her, because she’ll just say that I want that old life back, and we end up getting in arguments.
Anyone else engaged that doesn’t live together yet? How much time do you spend with your partner? I love her to death, and never want her to be upset, or to just do my own thing all the time, but every now and then would be nice sometimes. I’ve just gotten to the point where I feel like I’m a bad person for wanting any “me time” or time with friends, but I want to make this work, and for us to have a happy relationship where she feels loved.
TL; DR : Need advice on how to ask for my needs to also be a priority for “Me Time”