Link to original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/s/t08KmdcFxt
Update:
27F/33M
I had a conversation with my husband yesterday and gave him an ultimatum. I brought up therapy again, something I’ve suggested in the past, but he said he can’t do it right now because he’s looking for a job and wants to be financially stable first, which I can understand. However, he also said that even after getting a job, he would only consider therapy, then went on a rant about how therapy is useless.
I told him that if he’s not open to therapy, he could at least speak with a pastor or counselor at our church since that is free. He refused again, saying he has too much on his plate. I even suggested having just one conversation and not committing to anything long-term, but he said he’s tired of me bringing it up.
At this point, I’ve decided to leave. I’m currently looking for a job and hoping things fall into place so I can get my own place soon. I feel scared and heartbroken, but I know it’s necessary. I wish I hadn’t ignored the red flags, but I’m choosing to give myself grace. It’s a terrible feeling, but I know I’ll be okay.
Thank you to everyone who commented on my original post. Your words gave me clarity and courage.
TL;DR: He refused therapy or help, so I’ve decided to leave and start over.
19 comments
I’m glad you’re making a plan now that it’s clear he won’t get help for his issues. He could become aggressive or violent if he knows you plan to leave, so don’t tell him anything until you have a job and a place to stay. You should have someone with you and not tell him alone for your safety.
Make sure you have all your important documents accessible and in one place. Get a lawyer when you can afford it, and then all communication should go through your lawyer and his lawyer. Make sure you’re good in terms of birth control so you can’t be baby trapped. It could be helpful to contact a women’s centre/DV non-profit in your area for resources and advice. It’s always a good idea to leave at the first sign of red flags. Best of luck.
I’m glad you’re out of there – if he’s can’t accept that he has a problem, there is no chance he’ll ever change.
It seemed very clear from the post that he didn’t actually want to change, someone who recognised their own insecurities and wanted to change would stop making it yours manage and go to therapy, he’s done neither. You’ve made the right choice.
It sounds like neither of you are currently working, I don’t know how you sustained that situation but do you have family or friends you can go stay with so you can leave immediately? Even if that involves moving, it’s not like you have a job tying you to your current area – which obviously isn’t great financially but freeing in terms of leaving and starting afresh.
The “rose colored glasses” or “honeymoon stage” is real. We ignore things, or rationalize that they will change. Nope.
Not that it really has any bearing on this, but neither of you had a job??
Proud of you for making this tough decision.
You only known him for a year. Where was you living at before? Can you go back? Not judging but if neither of you have a job. Are you living with his or your family? Maybe he just lost a job so we can’t judge.
Since you have no job this is the perfect time to move out from him even if it’s away from your current city. You can start over living with family until you are back on your feet.
Wow..
Both the original post & update are AI.
What really makes me angry, is seeing all these wonderful redditors putting time, effort and energy into a reply, thinking they are helping someone real.
The comments are the only real part of this. The OP has em dashes in every post (4 total on account).
I feel robbed and fooled. I now check the OP of any post I’m thinking about commenting on.
Is there anything you can do Reddit?
Sticking to your guns and leaving is tough but ultimately what is best. You’re avoiding being sucked into a cycle of broken promises and misery. I’m proud of you, OP!
You’re doing the right thing
Good. He clearly is all lip service and continues to make excuses for why change wouldn’t actually ever happen. Good on you for reading the writing on the wall and best of luck moving forward. People deserve happy and loving relationships and from what you described this was not it
**WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT GET PREGNANT BY THIS MAN**
Right now you have the ability to divorce and permanently leave him. If you get pregnant and have his child he will terrorize you for the rest of your life.
This a controlling, jealous, insecure man who will let her paranoia and anger dictate his life and anyone else’s that he has power over. Do not tell him you are planning to leave. *Do not tell anyone at your church* as they will attempt to keep you in this marriage and will alert him to your plans.
Seek out help from nonprofits that focus on domestic violence and women’s aide. Be sure to erase any signs that you’ve searched for or contacted these organizations from your phone and computer. Make sure your phone and computer are password protected and that he’s unable to access them or that they have no trace of your plans.
Act normally until you have your own job and a place to live. When you do leave, do it without alerting him and have him served papers. Do not engage with him after that unless it’s over text or recorded phone call (check to be sure that is legal where you live).
When women leave controlling and abusive relationships (his actions do qualify as abuse and he will only continue to escalate from here) they are at their greatest risk of being harmed or killed by their domestic partner. Please, please be careful as you leave but above all LEAVE AND NEVER, EVER LET HIM CONVINCE YOU TO GO BACK.
You have all the time in the world to find a loving, caring, sane partner and create the life you want. Get out of this nightmare before it becomes even worse and consumes the next 15 years of your life.
Best wishes to you. Feel free to contact me if you need help looking for or accessing resources in your area.
Never warn anyone when you leave them. Just go. Please do it when he’s not home. Or do it slowly by storing your personal important items in your car.
Had a very similar story. You took the right decision!
Totally agree! It’s tough, but prioritizing your mental health is crucial. Starting fresh could be the best thing for you.
I’m proud of you. His behavior will only get worse. Secure a job and get out.
Wishing you peace, strength and happiness. Much love.
I’m proud of you, its hard to make big changes like this, and honestly even harder to ADMIT you need to change. Be gentle on yourself too, you are doing the best you can.
The church would be on his side anyway, doesn’t matter what he’s done. So yeah get your plan together and leave. Next time, remember you need a good 2 years to get to know someone to see even a part of who they are. You got this 💪
You listened to your own gut, and that alone is huge. I hope your next chapter feels lighter.