This is a long one so buckle up.
I have posted a similar story before, but it didn’t go well. English is not my first language, and I asked ChatGPT to help rewrite it, what makes it sound like a unlikable redditor. So here it goes again, unfiltered and probably full of mistakes. The ages in this post are obfuscated for privacy reasons, but the age gap remains.
My fiancée and I were both in our early thirties. She moved to Japan earlier this year to pursue her lifelong dream of living and working there. It was something she had been planning for a long time, and I wanted to go along to keep our relationship. We had been together for three years. Her plan was for me to get a remote job and later “reprofessionalize” once I arrived, probably in tech, even though I had no experience in that area and couldn’t use my degree or doctoral degree in any way. I had just finished my doctorate, which helped me get a stable job at a museum, but it didn’t help with anything Japan-related.
She wanted me to move about four months after she arrived, but that didn’t happen. Things started to get tense. Her plan would mean that I’d probably need to take underqualified jobs at first, like in factories or groceries, while she had a stable and well-paying corporate position. I would not be exercising my profession, and after years of studying and working in my field, I would have to start over in a completely different career path. I told her many times that I felt insecure and uncertain about this, that I didn’t want to throw away everything I had worked for just to start again in an area I wasn’t even sure I’d like. I was also mentally exhausted after finishing my doctorate, and the “reprofessionalization” plan demanded something I simply couldn’t give anymore.
On top of that, if I worked remotely, I’d be earning in my home country’s currency (which is much weaker), so I would make substantially less than her. I started realizing that I would end up financially dependent and professionally adrift, and it made me feel very uncomfortable.
Around the time I finished my doctorate and before I got the museum job, she started controlling my expenses. It lasted about a month, but it was intense. She even monitored how I used my savings and commented on small purchases, saying I must saver it for “our future.” She told me she would held the expenses for the period I was without a job, but it doesn't seemed of good heart. I'm a big guy, I go to the gym and eat a lot, and in that month she had controlled, or at least tried to controlled, even my portion sizes. She is small and if I ate what she ate, I would loose mass and be without energy, but she doesn't seem to understand. That month was hell, my diet was terrible and I know I had to save (I was saving), but I felt really controlled in all aspects of my life, since I was financially depend on her. Fortunately I find a nice job.
After I got the job, things didn’t really change too much. She didn’t like my music tastes but expected me to listen to hers. She replaced most of my wardrobe by suggestion, saying she wanted me to “look better.” I didn’t mind that much, but whenever I bought something I liked that she didn’t approve of, she didn’t like when I wore it around her. It wasn’t anything unusual, just jeans and simple shirts instead of button-downs. She also criticized my haircut and beard style. Sometimes it felt like she loved the version of me she imagined, not the person I actually was. She expected me to help her in her work (I even vibe coded a Java script that solved a problem to her), but didn't have me space to focus on my readings, understanding as a way to not spent time with her. My studies involver heavy theoretical art work, meaning I should have 100% attention in academic texts, but she read that as neglect from my part.
She also had a habit of correcting or snapping at me in front of her friends. I’m very introverted, and I had told her many times that I preferred to resolve disagreements privately. But she would make comments or get irritated over small things (like me forgetting to serve drinks or telling a story differently), and it made me feel humiliated. When I brought it up, she said I was being dramatic and that it wasn’t serious, never apologizing properly.
The breaking point came when I received an email from a company about a remote position I had never applied for, in tech, that I have no credentials. When I asked her, she admitted she had submitted my application herself because I was “taking too long.” I was applying to remote jobs but never received a call back, and I felt violated that she did it behind my back. That was the moment I realized how little control I had left over my own choices.
Around that time, a new intern (25 F) joined the museum. She’s in her twenties, works in the same department but not directly with me. We met properly at a staff party, talked for hours, and played some games together. The next day I caught a cold and messaged the team to say I’d stay home (it’s standard since part of our work is public-facing). She replied, and we ended up chatting. The conversation flowed easily, just jokes and casual teasing, nothing inappropriate, and from then on, we kept talking. It became natural. At that time, she still had a boyfriend.
As we got closer, I noticed from social media that she had broken up with him, though she never mentioned it to me. By then, I was already realizing that my relationship wasn’t working. The connection with her felt light and easy, and compared to the constant tension I had with my fiancée, it was like breathing again.
After about a week of thinking and talking to friends and family, I decided to end things with my fiancée. I told her that realistically, it wouldn’t work. Either I’d move to Japan to do jobs far below my qualification, earn much less than her, and be financially dependent and miserable, or she’d have to give up her dream, come back to our country and resent me forever. Both paths led to unhappiness. She cried a lot and said I was destroying her dreams, that she couldn’t eat or think because of me, that I was cutting her off from her future. She asked me to wait until next year, when she would come back to visit, to end it in person, but I stood my ground. I decided to break up at that time because, for me, it didn't make sense to stay in a relationship for a year knowing I want to breakup.
After the breakup, she called my mother in tears, saying I had ruined her life and asking her to convince me to go after her. She also reached out to some of my friends behind my back, trying to get them to talk to me about reconsidering. My dad later told me he had always felt my ex was too controlling, even if he never said anything before, he saw it.
After that, I felt drained, but also relieved. A short time later, there was another gathering at work, and I and the intern ended up together again. We talked, laughed, and eventually admitted that we liked each other. We kissed that night. It felt calm, warm, and unforced, the opposite of everything I had just left behind. We also talked about the difference in age and how we might be seen at work, and agreed to keep things private for now. We both know it’s early, but we want to give it a real chance. We talked about our exes, and about how this, now, seems different. We now that we are in the honeymoon phase, but we are somewhat fearless and have decided to try to stay together.
Now, a couple of months later, we’re together. None of our coworkers know about it. It’s been peaceful and happy, and I feel like myself again for the first time in a long while. My ex, on the other hand, hates me now. She feels betrayed and says I ruined her future, even though she doesn’t know I’ve already moved on.
I still think about everything that happened, how I felt trapped, how she managed parts of my life, and how little space there was left for me to breathe. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen the way it did. I just wanted to find peace again in someone younger, that I understand, can seem that I am just changing from a falling train to another.
What do you guys think? Did I did anything bad for my ex? I know it was shitty, since I had agree to marry and move out, but rationally, I couldn't take anymore. Also, the 6-8 years age gap and the velocity of this new relationship seems a red flag itself, not for us, but for other people. Anyone have managed to have a huge, yet manageable, age gap relationship?