I was going to post this on AITAH but since I’m 95% sure I’m not the asshole, I guess I’m looking for relationship advice instead. Soooo… would I be the asshole if I [38f] told my husband [40m] I don’t want him to stay with a colleague [45F, single] when they travel together for work?
My husband and Colleague are part of a dozen independently contracted people within a professional creative group, which manages projects with clients. Husband and Colleague find their work to be complimentary, so they’re hoping to work on more projects together. Husband and I live in City A, we’re from City B (where both sets of parents live), and City C is where Professional Group and Colleague are based.
Last time Husband was working in City C he stayed on Colleague’s couch. Fine, whatever, not a big deal for a one-off thing. Then he had a job in City B last week that she worked with him on, and they stayed at his parents house together Tues-Saturday. To clarify: City B is my hometown, where my family also lives. I didn’t know about this until he was on the way out the door Tuesday. If he had mentioned it I probably would have said “oh, wouldn’t everyone be more comfortable if she was put up in a hotel?” Granted, budget was a consideration, but my feeling is that if the group, client, or husband can’t afford an assistant on a project, then it can’t be a requisite for the job. And this isn’t a one time scenario, he plans to keep working with her, so this will definitely come up again in some iteration.
Relationship background: Husband and I have been together for 4 years, married for 6 months. We were actually together for a while 15 years ago but our paths diverged. In a crazy full circle way we were brought back together and I’m happier than I’ve ever been in a partnership. Our relationship is based on mutual respect and admiration, and he is extremely loyal when it comes to friends, family, and me. I want to make it clear that I trust him 100%. This isn’t about infidelity, it’s about boundaries and respect and how he shows that he cares about my feelings.
All week I’ve been dealing with icks and ughs about this. It’s been occupying a huge portion of my thoughts. I was by myself while they were working together every day, sharing meals, presumably hanging out until bedtime? And then of course there are my irrational, neurotic thoughts like “did he make coffee for her every morning? Did she use my MIL’s shampoo? Does he think she’s cooler than me? Is he going to run off to City C because it’s way more rewarding than our life together??” I hate that I’m this insecure and jealous and prone to ruminating on this stuff. Yes, I have a therapist, yes, we talk about this sort of thing. It might be different if I had met Colleague or knew ANY details about her at all. All I know about her is that they have a lot in common and she’s apparently comfortable with this level of familiarity with a married colleague.
I’m already prepared for how it will go if I bring this up. His reaction at best is going to be invalidating my feelings in the guise of reassurance (“you’re being silly! That’s ridiculous, what are you worried about?”) or defensive (“why are you admonishing me when I’ve done nothing wrong?”) He bristles when it comes to personal critique, which makes it hard to express my feelings sometimes. He’s not one to conform to the conventions of society, so me saying “this is objectively inappropriate” or “this simply isn’t done” would not be useful arguments. He usually means well, but can be really blind to how his actions affect me. I’m really hoping that me saying I’m uncomfortable is enough for him to agree to the very reasonable request of getting Colleague a damn hotel room next time.
Ok, so here’s a part I was on the fence about adding in, because all of the above is enough for being upset, but it’s important in the context of my emotional needs not being prioritized (and it definitely adds to my sensitive emotional state). My mom died 3 months ago, so I drove up to City B on Friday to prep for my mom’s Sunday memorial celebration. I thought Husband was going to join me at my parent’s house across town Friday night, but I guess there was a miscommunication and he had to do a bit more work on this project Saturday. We talked about this on the phone Thursday and he told me he was probably going to stay with his parents Saturday night too, so Colleague wouldn’t be uncomfortable at the house without him there. I basically told him no, I needed him with me. I honestly can’t even believe he entertained the idea of prioritizing her comfort over my need for his support during a huge emotional life event. A few days before the memorial.
I love this person. I trust him, but I’m frustrated and sad. Why is he such a dummy when it comes to all this shit?? The big work job is done, and we got through the memorial. Now I guess I’m looking for some communication advice, some validation, and maybe personal experience. Thank you for taking the time to read all of this.
tl;dr: Husband is overfamiliar with a female colleague. He doesn’t think it’s a problem, but the real issue is that he's oblivious to how this makes me feel. I’m not sure how to raise it without him getting defensive.