(Original post keeps getting removed, so reposting. Sorry for the inconvenience)
Me 27F, dating 26M for 3 years now.
I will directly cut to the chase about a conversation me and my boyfriend had, which ended up in me getting shocked big time.
(Excuse my English as it’s not my native language)
Him: I don’t think someone would want to approach you. And that’s a good thing to me.
Me: Why? (As a reaction to his first sentence)
Him: You’re not into the beautiful standards of these days. Being exposed I mean. (Here by “exposed”, he means wearing revealing clothes, which is basically not me)
Me: According to you, being beautiful equals to being exposed?
Him: No, to men. In my eyes you’re beautiful. But just telling you, you won’t look attractive on other guys’ eyes. Which is actually good.
Me: And how do you know that I don’t look beautiful in other men’s eyes?
Him: Because I know men.
And from here on, things went down basically, as I reacted to him and told him that his sentences were in no way normal, and there’s no justification for saying these things to your partner, that he is basically projecting his own perception of “what men find beautiful and attractive” to the general. He refused this of course.
Then he said things like “I feel like you want men to find you attractive. It’s okay if they don’t”. And I was getting more and more shocked by these sentences from him, because that’s not the case at all.
Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I am not someone who even cares about other men other than my bf. I don’t even have guys in my friends circle. And it’s not even because of him, it’s just my choice. In terms of beauty, I’m not a narcissistic person, telling how beautiful I am with my nose up. But I also don’t consider myself as “not beautiful”. I like what I see in the mirror when I look at myself. I am at peace with myself. I am comfortable in my own skin. And since we are talking about other men being interested in me, there are men looking at me when I’m outside and I’m at an age where I can differentiate whether someone is just looking at me or looking at me with obvious interest.
Anyways, back to the topic. I openly told him that his comments hurt my feelings, and that there’s no way he could justify them. He told me that he was actually complimenting me about me not being “exposed”. Then I told him that if he wanted to compliment me, he could just do it without bringing me down, that he could just say “I’m glad you’re not exposing yourself”. He apologized and told me that it was not his intention to hurt me. He then went on complimenting me about how beautiful and attractive I am, etc. But words have already been said. I felt hurt by his comments because in my eyes they indirectly (or directly) imply that I cannot be considered a beautiful or an attractive woman by other men. Yes, I felt indeed hurt, but I am an individual who is also very self-critical. No matter how right I might feel, I have a tendency to consider the other person’s perspective too. Overall I’m not sure how to process all of this.
TL;DR Boyfriend said other men wouldn’t find me attractive because I am not into the beautiful standards of these days.