Hi everyone, I really need some advice because I am completely burnt out and starting to feel hopeless in getting through to my husband.
My husband (32M) works full-time from home (9 AM – 5:30 PM), and I am the primary caregiver (33 F), will be returning to work initially part time next week. Since I still breastfeed our daughter who is nearly 12 months, I manage 100% of the night wakings because she is so attached to me. This means I'm up with her every single time, every night.
The real problem is the mornings and weekends. I get up with our daughter every day between 6 and 7 AM. I’ve asked him to take at least one morning shift on a Saturday or Sunday so I can just rest and sleep in, but this hasn't worked. He consistently stays up until 1:30 AM or 2 AM, and sometimes as late as 3 or 4 AM, even on work nights to fit in a gaming session or more before going to bed. When I do try to wake him up to take a shift, he is extremely groggy and tired because he is so sleep-deprived. Although if he was writing this he would argue he gets up straight away to help without a problem, it feels he prioritises this over my need to rest.
Today our daughter is sick with a fever, and I have been up with her all day since 6:50 AM. I had to wake him up just before 9 AM so I could finally use the toilet, and later, when I put her down for a nap, he took a nap during his workday because he was tired. During the week as he works, I do let him sleep and he often wakes up at 9, or 9:10, 9:20 etc for work.
Today she wouldn’t let me put her down in her crib tonight and therefore I didn’t get any break or rest until I gave in and went to bed with her. I would have expected him to think of how tired I must be and offer to help tomorrow morning to allow me some more rest before he works and I clock in as the primary caregiver. However, he stayed up until 3am gaming.
The result of his lack of sleep makes me uncomfortable leaving her with him on his own. I've seen him lie on the floor with his eyes shut while she plays around him, and on one occasion, he put her in the playpen and fell asleep for a couple of minutes after he realised she pooped and only changed her after. I had a stomach bug and was in bed unwell. On one other occasion also seen her watching YouTube on his phone whilst he lays down with his eyes shut. These are things I never do no matter how tired I am. Although he would argue he can look after her completely fine and does so most of the time. These things, though maybe a handful of examples, are enough for me to worry about her when he is in charge.
He does some chores; he usually cleans up the kitchen after dinner and sometimes helps with laundry or tidying a room after I’ve cooked (some nights he also cooks) and done the full bedtime routine.
I need him to be a safe, present, and active parent, not just a warm body I have to wake up and supervise. He doesn’t see any of this an issue. I’m thinking we need professional help because I can’t get through to him, he will minimise this issue and say it’s not a big deal and to just wake him up if I’m tired and he will look after her completely fine.
How can I get through to him and make him empathise with where I’m coming from, but also empathise with me and my role in this because I’m tired and feel I can’t rely on him.
No matter the responses I get, I do plan to show him this post afterwards in hopes he sees other people opinions or in the very least helps us communicate about the issue a bit more.
TL;DR: I (33F) handle 100% of night wakings and all early mornings (6-7 AM) with our 12-month-old whilst my WFH husband (32M) stays up gaming. His sleep deprivation means I don’t feel comfortable asking for help most mornings. He minimizes the issue, says he’s fine, and thinks I should just wake him up to help. I'm burnt out, returning to work soon, and I'm wondering how to make him see this as the serious issue it is.