I (31F) am a pushover, people-pleaser, whatever you want to call it. Meanwhile, my husband (38M; married for 2 years, together for 7) is a much more confident, forward individual. This means that I end up folding to his requests – a lot. He's a generally fantastic husband, but I've started to grow resentful, and I just need to get this out.
I tried explaining to him that a 100+ person wedding would be outrageously expensive in our area. He pushed and pushed. Okay, fine, let's have a 120-person wedding at a fancy venue, like you requested. The result? We both hated our wedding. Lots of people just didn't show up. SO much money and food was wasted. Now he tells me "I should've listened to you." (Oh, and I planned the whole stupid thing and had breakdowns regularly because it cost so much money and was such a nightmare to plan)
He wanted to leave for our honeymoon the day after our wedding. I told him that was old-school, it's not practical, etc. He pushed and pushed. Okay, fine, let's leave for our honeymoon within 24 hours of getting married. The result? We got freakin Covid and had to cancel EVERYTHING. The flights, the cruise, everything. If we had waited to go a few weeks later, like I suggested, we would've had a honeymoon. Now we never will, and I get depressed whenever I think about it.
And overall, it just seems like I'm disciplined with our money, and he's not, but somehow it's my problem..? Not my fault, just my problem to try to fix. (For context, I'm a freelancer and I stay home with our infant full-time. Since I'm in charge of a tiny human, I can't get much work done during the day.)
This man will tell me "we need to stop spending money" and then come home with a $50 bottle of scotch. We have approx. 16 bottles of fancy scotch, whiskey, etc. that may or may not get consumed. Meanwhile, I drink boxed wine because "good wine" is too expensive.
Every few months, "all" of his clothes just magically don't fit, or don't fit right, or he doesn't like them. So, every few months he buys new pants, new work shirts, and OH MY GOD the shoes. I've never met a dude with this many shoes. And he wears the same 4 pairs?!?! And yet, I stopped myself from spending more than $20 on maternity clothes and was relegated to tshirts and sweatpants for my entire pregnancy. I was definitely a shopaholic in my early 20s, but now I would kill for a $100 trip to Old Navy for some basic ass clothes.
Recently, he complained about spending money on baby clothes. I realize there are lots and lots of parents who go totally overboard, but I'm literally buying the most affordable clothing items I can, and only when the baby has outgrown his current clothing.
Hubby's main hobby is growing weed, which he has spent thousands of dollars to do. But I can't bring myself to buy something I desperately want and know I would enjoy.
And then, the coup de grace: The complaint that I'm not working enough, not bringing in enough money, etc. How am I supposed to get any work done when my husband or the baby need me constantly? Or I get hit with "Babe, we're not spending enough time together," so I spend a bunch of time with him, which means I am obviously working less, BECAUSE THAT'S HOW TIME WORKS.
All of this to say, the fact that I feel resentful isn't actually his fault, since I'm the one who can't put my foot down. I'm the one who hesitates to say no or push back. It's gotten better, and we have talked about this before, but overall I still feel like I have to be extremely strict with my spending, but he clearly doesn't feel the same way about his spending.
TLDR: My husband spends money on stupid stuff and I don't, and it's making me resentful. I don't know how to stop being a pushover.
25 comments
I think it’s less of a fact you’re a pushover, and more of a fact you don’t seem compatible.
Are you a pushover or is he a steamroller?
There are many more issues here than you being a push over. It sounds like you need individual therapy and couples counseling tbh. You have a lack of insight into all the problems that are going on here.
You should be less of a pushover but you’re also describing financial issues and compatibility issues. I think you guys should discuss this with a couples therapist.
In the meantime, set some reasonable boundaries on how much money can be spent on hobbies or frivolities. And yes you’ll need to grow a spine for that Convo.
Most of this sounds financial.
Implement minimally monthly budget meetings, better to start with weekly or biweekly. Sit down & go through six months of bank & credit card transactions. Use that to set out a budget for shared household costs that you both agree to, AND that gives you both the same amount of spending money you can have without having to answer to the other person.
Track every dollar you spend against that budget and ask him where to take money from if he exceeds the budgeted amount for a specific cost. Hint: don’t let it be from your personal spending money
There’s a lot to unpack here, but what happens when you do actually try to tell him no?
Or do you just not talk to him about it? Are you going “oh I don’t know…” or are you saying “No, we can’t afford that, don’t buy it.” and he’s ignoring you and you’re letting it slide?
It’s really not clear what communication pattern is in play. Because as you wrote it, it could be a him problem or a you problem or a compatibility problem and it’s not clear.
Your husband is an annoying asshole and behaves like an irresponsible teenager.
Oh man, couple’s counseling, ASAP! You need reinforcements on your side to translate your reasonable demands to your husband and explain to him why he is irrational, unfair, selfish and a raging hypocrite. You will never get him to see sense on your own, because in his world, he will always be right and you will always be unreasonable.
Then, with the help of the mediator/ therapist, you both need to discuss things like a budget that both of you have to stick to (no impulse buys for him), reasonable expectations of division of labor at home, with chores and childcare, you need to get him to agree to relieve you with childcare so you can actually get some work done, or you both need to come up with a way to pay for childcare/ recruit a grandparent, and you need him to see sense about his spending habits and how it affects you that he is always generous with his own wants and needs, and always stingy with yours and your baby’s.
And please don’t have anymore kids with him. You were considerable younger than him when you started dating (now, in your 30s, seven years isn’t that much – when you’re in your early 20s, it is!), so there was always an imbalance of power, and he is totally used to steamrolling you, because it has always been this way. If he actually is a good guy (which, going by his absolute selfishness, I’m not sure about), he will realise that he has been an asshole and will agree to make reasonable changes and accommodations, and he will learn to be less selfish and compromise.
If he’s not a good guy, he will not change his behavior at all, he will find a reason to break off the therapy sessions (because he won’t enjoy getting his ass handed to him, though he won’t admit that, lol), and he will expect you to live unhappily ever after and accept his behavior as is. Once you walk out, he will briefly change and lovebomb the shit out of you, but you’d be stupid to fall for that and go back, because it won’t last and he will just revert back to type within months.
Good luck!
You need to decide on spending limits for the both of you. If you want to spend your discretionary then you can, but it isn’t fair that he spends a ton and you don’t.
That being said, make sure you are being realistic about what you are spending. I have a friend who was angry that her husband was spending $200 a month on supplements for his health, but she was going to the dollar store and the thrift store every week buying things they didn’t need like Santa mugs and extra clothes when all their closets are filled to bursting. In her mind, these were “cheap” places so how could she be spending a lot, but when added up, it was more than $200 a month.
This is why discretionary spending is so important. You should have a savings amount, a family needs amount and the rest is divided evenly between you both.
Sounds like he has serious impulse control issues combined with a lack of thought and dopamine seeking as well as a need to be right and push until he gets his way.
I would not be able to trust someone like that. He will get you into financial jeopardy and he seems to equate his thoughts with being logical and correct and everyone else’s as opinions he doesn’t need to consider.
That’s exhausting
No, this isn’t your fault. You have mentioned at least three occasions where you DID express yourself, but he just kept pushing. That’s not a personality quirk. It’s being an asshole. Plus he’s finically irresponsible but complains about what you are bringing in? Just no.
If you don’t want to divorce him (I would) you are just going to have to keep saying no. Just say no, whatever argument he brings up. And get some couples counseling.
Separate your finances immediately. He is incredibly impulsive and irresponsible.
Also – shine up your spine. Tell him no.
This isn’t about you giving in. It’s about him making unreasonable demands. He gets his way 100% of the time because he knows you will not put up a fight.
Y’all need to sit down and hash out a budget that meets both of your needs.
Weekly blow money should be budgeted for both of you.
You are saying no to him. It just sounds like he keeps pushing regardless.
Also if you handle the money put this little baby on a budget. You shouldn’t keep going without so he can be lavished in new clothes every couple of months. That’s ridiculous. You and your child are fighting for scraps while he spends thousands on weed.
Can you make a spreadsheet and show him where the money is going?! Can you put him on a budget based on the spreadsheet?
You need to set limits on his spending
Both of you should get a budget for fun items for yourselves. If he wants to spend his on whiskey or shoes then go for it, but it needs to be within the budget or it’s being returned. And then you get a budget so you can actually buy shit for yourself without feeling guilty!
But can he even adhere to such a thing? Will he follow through?
Does he have ADHD?
Right? It’s like he’s still in the “me” phase while she’s juggling a whole family. Major imbalance.
I’m exhausted just reading this. And then to read all the comments about how you need to fix him, it’s insane. I’m so lucky to be single.
Why did you marry a man who is so obviously incompatible and has so little regard for what matters to you?
He’s not a good person. He doesn’t respect you and pushes until he gets what he wants. He doesn’t care about what you want or need.
I’m not sure why you want to spend your life with someone who treats you this way. You deserve better.
For reference, my husband is a recovering people pleaser. I recognized that about him early on so I made sure I didn’t impose my will on him, and I try to make sure we balance each other’s wants and needs. I also helped him stop people pleasing and being taken advantage of by his family and some friends. That’s what a partner who respects and loves you does. I’m not perfect and make mistakes. Just saying people pleasers need to be protected, not used.
Honestly, sounds more like your husband is an irresponsible dickhead than a “generally fantastic husband.” I don’t understand how someone can write a post like this and not see that.
He is definitely not a fantastic husband. Sorry OP but wow.
So his domineering and abrasive personality found the perfect doormat. WHY do you allow this to happen again and again?
I have nothing helpful to add. I’m following this because I’m just like you, but I’m the breadwinner, with a partner who refuses to work in any capacity, moans we’re broke, and spends every extra cent he gets on……. Pokemon cards. And he asks for my medication on a daily basis. I literally need it to function at full capacity at work.
I need the same advice you do, girl. You’re not alone and you’re definitely not the only person who struggles like this. I hope things get better for you 💜
that’s tough , u gotta start setting some boundaries fr or it’ll just keep hurting u