Apologies for a super long one (TLDR at the end)
Firstly, I want to make sure all of my feelings and the events that transpired are as transparent as possible to the best that I can portray them. I have a lot of thoughts but sometimes find it difficult to express them in a very general way so the more questions the better if I didn't make something super clear/obvious.
Secondly, I am gay and in an age gap relationship. And, to preface, I know it can be a common response for someone online to say that age gap relationships can never work but I have always been and will always be attracted to older individuals and there's never going to be any future change about that relationship dynamic. It's just what I like.
Context: I grew up in a republican/conservative family who, although weren't religious, still touted religious doctrine to me when I came out, have supported Trump since the beginning, refuse to actually read anything related to lgbt facts/history, essentially stole money from me to use for their home renovation at a beach town that was supposed to be used for my education, and many other disappointing things that has essentially made me distrust them. I "dated" one girl in college before Dan but Dan is my first REAL relationship of almost 7 years now. We started living together almost as soon as I graduated college, have lived in 3 different housing units together (currently on the third) across two different states/US coasts, and imo had a wishy washy relationship the entire time.
The first 2.5 years of the relationship were great but not without headache for things out of both our controls. I was still in school when we first met on a dating app and we connected in person a couple times toward the end of 2019, even going on a road trip a whole week before the covid shutdown in 2020. We were apart then for a good while. During covid I worked at a hotel at a beach town during the summer where my parents own a home. He would come to visit me sometimes and one evening in either 2020 or 2021 he said that he loved me for the first time. I was honestly quite shocked and speechless with him reassuring me that I didn't need to say it back for now but that he really wanted me to know how he felt. I can't remember exactly what I was thinking/feeling at the time but I did tell him that I loved him too even though I don't think I quite meant it at the time. I wanted to keep the night fun and light without drawing a sour mood. I did like him but I wasn't sure if I actually did love him at the time because I wasn't so confident with myself having been from a family that frowned upon the lgbt community, and I didn't really have anyone that close before who knew about my sexuality and liked me in this way. We lived separately until I graduated and almost immediately began to live with him at the start of Summer 2022. We liked each other a lot and I did begin to see myself living with him permanently because it felt like I had someone who had my back, spoke well about me, always made me feel great, and was a genuinely great personality to be around.
We moved about 2-3 months into living together to a new place that had more space but was still a one bedroom. We really fought for space in the first unit together because it was essentially a studio and "upgrading" to this new place with more sq ft was great. We both had jobs but my job was especially demanding. 10-12+ hour days, had to stay within the city to keep the job even though I was able to work from home, crappy pay for the work I was doing, terrible leadership, and a lot of pretty grueling work even though it was great work experience. He had a standard 9-5 job that allowed him to take a lot of breathers throughout the day fairly often. He would often finish his work day around 5 pm (or earlier) and I would still be working at least another 3-4 hours before finally having a chance to pull away. I also often had to work weekends with very similar hours. This of course caused a rift between us as we rarely had time together. I was always tired physically and he was always tired of constantly waiting around to see when I'd be done and if we had the energy to actually go do something. Me being an introvert I wanted to stay at home while he the extrovert likes "relaxing" by going out to a restaurant/bar.
I was at this job for almost exactly 2.5 years and in that time Dan had been let go from his initial job, was unemployed for a decent amount of time, and then rehired for another 9-5. We also adopted an 8 week old puppy about 2.5 years ago who is still living with us. During this time we had started to settle down into the relationship and the honey moon phase was over. We started getting on each other's nerves in this one bedroom apartment. There was the classic argument over misplaced items, who did/didn't want to cook, not hearing what the other person was saying, etc. However, the relationship started to shift into a dynamic that I found very hurtful to me in particular. I was constantly made fun of by him to his friends (as well as made fun of alone) about things such as me not remembering certain things, not being passionate/wanting to cook, not knowing how some type of adult concept worked, not listening to what I wanted to talk about, and harassing me for my interests by being upset when I engaged in things like video games after a work day instead of spending time with him. He insults me for enjoying spending time on discord with friends from high school because, according to him, I shouldn't still be friends with them now that we're out of school. He would routinely tell me that I'm dense or don't have a lot of stuff going on in my brain. And I couldn't necessarily make fun of him for something because it's not a practice I want to engage in and he generally has a well put together/productive life. The insults/harassments got so bad that I would start to lie about whether I did or didn't do something like forgetting that I couldn't recycle one type of thing but that I could recycle another just due to the fact that I didn't want to cause another argument/headache. And he's caught me in a few of those lies which just makes the whole situation even worse. I'm nowhere near a perfect person and I absolutely apologize for those lies. I do my fair share of truly dumb things but sometimes the insults from him can go too far.
We would always talk about moving to a city/town that is typically known for retirement/vacationing (let's call it SkyView) and that once we get out there we'll buy a house, settle down, and enjoy good weather. He also decided he would be happier quitting his standard 9-5 job, took on interviews, and started training to be a flight attendant in order to travel, make money, and complement my new job that was significantly better (more pay, less hours, more understanding leadership, the works) for flight benefits. I drove 4 days and 3 nights cross country with our dog to a place we are renting in Skyview until the end of the year as he had to take care of FA duties at his base city during the same time I would be driving (we are living in a different city so he commutes up to base the evening before he starts his reserve FA duties). Initially everything was great again although there were still insults. We have been looking at places to buy and while I was excited at first I started to grow more and more concerned about getting a place with him as I see no change in the way we converse and think about each other which could mean we're stuck with a piece of property together that is very hard to get out of without legal headache if things go south.
My stress and frustration with the whole endeavor came to a boiling point within me yesterday evening when we were out in public and instead of having a good time I couldn't smile once and kept giving one word answers. He noticed and asked why I was being negative and unfun to which I ended up telling him that I'm hesitant about buying a house now due to how we communicate and the dynamic our relationship is in. I didn't tell him the following but what's even more frustrating is I see couples all around town that seem to communicate wonderfully, genuinely care for their partner, etc (I know that doesn't always mean its true but it's differently than how I know we seem in public). And I constantly think about whether my situation is an average one or if its abnormal.
He asked if this means I'm breaking up with him to which I said I'd like to fix our relationship and communication but for the past day since that convo he's made quips and brought up arguments about how I'm going to leave him at any moment and he's kind of screwed because his FA job doesn't pay very well on its own at his current standing and that he may have to take out money to help pay for a place for him to live. And I'm stressed too because I told him I'd let him know by tomorrow (as I write this it's the evening before tomorrow) about how the relationship is going to go and what to do for a living situation. And I still don't know. I don't want to create a problem for everyone but things just haven't gotten better and I don't know how else to rectify the problems we have had.
I can't tell if I'm just in a funk or what but when he is gone on FA duty I feel comfortable and content but when he's here there's always some problem and I'm always frustrated. He is undeterred by a lot of our serious conversations but they eat me up inside. He also rarely has the "right" thing to say AND doesn't know the right time to talk when we are having a serious problem. We were out at a city event earlier this evening too and he jumped into a whole monologue in public right next to a bunch of people about how he needs to know if I'm breaking up with him so that he knows how to plan for the future or what the status is on buying a house/renting. We had plenty of time to do this in private but he always seems to find a way to bring things up in public and make for very awkward moments. I can't tell if this is purposeful or if he really just doesn't quite get how weird and uncomfortable it is to sit there and have him speak that way.
Even in private though we're never on the same page and he always has some quip to say when we're having a bad/serious conversation. Just now as we were sitting in the living room, I was typing my thoughts out on my computer to think about what I really want, he asked what I was writing, I told him what I was doing and he said he couldn't make sense of why I was doing that. He childishly said "well if you're writing things down you need to get a piece of paper instead of a computer" which feels like he's completely dodging the entire point and instead resorting to cheap middle school bully shticks.
I don't hate him as a person, I do love him for who he is, but is it worth sticking together and working on the relationship?
TLDR: Not perfectly content in my 7 year relationship regarding communication despite trying and I can't tell if the relationship is salvageable or not due to a lot of communication issues and general life expectation differences between both of us.