I F/20 have recently started texting with this guy M/19. While this isn’t my first talking stage, none of the previous ones have ever lead to something serious, and the reason for that is entirely my own fault.
At risk of being bashed by people who do not try to understand; I’m an avoidant. I feel physically sick when I think about someone liking me. I’ve been feeling antsy all day because I know this guy wants me to text him again. No, I do not want to be that way. I go to therapy for social anxiety (which includes me avoiding social situations). I have some theories as for why I’m an avoidant but for privacy reasons I won’t disclose them here. Let’s just say that something pretty has happened to me when I was nine that might’ve lead to some serious issues down the line.
Now back to the guy. We’ve only been texting for three days or so but we are kind of getting along nicely. We do have a similar way of speaking and also humor (from what I can tell). Whenever I am engaged in a conversation with him I am usually having fun. I looked him up online and despite looking very young for his age lol he does kind of fit my type.
However, whenever I’m going through my daily routine, I start feeling this overwhelming urge to block him, run and cower together in shame. I can tell he is interested in more than friendship but I’m not sure if I can offer that. He wants to text all day and I HATE that. I prefer texting when there’s an actual reason to, or something specific you want to discuss. Sometimes he also just seems to go slightly overboard with his humor which makes me cringe, unfortunately.
I‘d like to tell him that I only want to be friends, but I’ve heard that people often don’t react kindly to that. I also feel like it‘d be kinda awkward to say "oh yeah I’ve totally noticed you’re into me btw but I would prefer to be friends only" if he doesn’t initiate a conversation about feelings.
I‘m wondering if I’m self-sabotaging here. I definitely don’t see him in that way yet, but I might if I gave him a chance or actually gathered all my courage to meet up with him (he does live in the same area as me so that wouldn’t be a problem). I would like a relationship but I suppose a subconscious part of me doesn’t feel good enough. Or is my gut feeling not avoidance based, but instead telling me that this guy isn’t for me? I just need a fresh perspective on this because I honestly feel trapped in my own head right now and I would hate to hurt the guy.