I don’t even know where to start. I’m 31 (F) and I’ve just had my entire life flipped upside down in the space of 48 hours. I’ve been with my fiancé (38 M) for almost three years. We live together, have been planning our wedding, raising my son, and trying to build a life after everything we’ve already been through: court cases, his drinking, financial struggles, you name it. I thought we’d already survived the worst. Turns out I had no idea what “worst” even meant.
He came home the other night absolutely drunk. We had about $300 left in the account, and when he walked through the door, there was $29 left. He passed out on the couch, and his phone was open. On Grindr. If you don’t know what that is, it’s a hookup app for gay and bi men.
My stomach dropped. Before I met him, I knew he’d experimented. He had a thing for butt play and had slept with trans people in the past. I never judged him for it. I thought it was something from his past, not something ongoing. I’m open-minded. I don’t “yuck someone’s yum.” But this was different. This wasn’t old curiosity. It was active, recent, and constant.
I opened the messages, and what I saw made me physically sick. He had dozens of chats with men and trans people, explicit photos, constant sexting. But one chat stood out. The location, the profile picture, the name. It was my cousin (39M).
I froze. I couldn’t breathe. My cousin is transgender, and I’ve known for years he’s on Grindr. We aren’t close. I haven’t spoken to my extended family in over a decade because of old trauma and family drama. But still, he’s my cousin. And my fiancé had met up with him at my auntie’s house. They slept together, unprotected, and my fiancé actually bragged in the chat about it, writing things like, “Thanks for letting me breed you, can’t wait to do it again.”
I felt my entire body go numb. He slept with my cousin. On my nan’s birthday. Then came home to me like nothing happened. And did it TWICE.
I confronted him that night, or tried to. He was passed out drunk, literally lying in bed covered in his own feces because he’d shit himself. His phone and wallet were hidden outside in his ute, so when I couldn’t find them, I rang his phone, snuck out, and found it in the car. That’s how I saw everything. Every message. Every photo. I deleted every single picture of me off his phone, even the intimate ones, because I didn’t trust him not to use them out of spite later.
I also confronted my cousin. He tried to act innocent, saying “I didn’t know his name, I didn’t know he was your fiancé.” Bullshit. He absolutely knew. He even told my fiancé that ‘You (me) probably told everyone at Christmas,” like I’d been gossiping about my fiancé being bisexual at a family event, except I haven’t attended a family Christmas in years. Not in 2024, not in 2023. My cousin only could’ve known about him because my sister still talks to him. So now it feels like they’ve all been talking about me behind my back, and somehow I’m the one being blamed.
To make it worse, when I confronted my fiancé sober, he became aggressive. He pushed me, raised his fists at me and at my son, and punched a hole in the wall. We already have an AVO in place, but I felt unsafe in my own house. I spent that night awake, terrified, while he slept in my bed like nothing happened.
Now I’m sitting here, trying to hold it together for my son, realising I can’t afford to stay in Sydney on my income alone. I’d have to drop out of uni, give up my nursing degree, and move hours away just to survive. I don’t have family support. I don’t have savings. I’m looking at two-bedroom rentals in cheaper towns, trying to figure out how to rebuild from nothing.
People at work were kind. They hugged me, cried with me. One woman said something that stuck with me:
“You’re expecting rational decisions from an irrational person. He’s an alcoholic, a sex addict, and he’ll destroy anyone around him if it means escaping accountability.”
And she’s right.
It’s one thing to be cheated on. It’s another to find out your fiancé slept with a man, your cousin, and they both knew.
I’m heartbroken, but mostly I’m angry. Angry that I stayed, that I supported him, that I paid bills and raised his kids while he was out living a double life. Angry that he could do something this vile and still walk around the house like nothing happened.
I’m done. There’s no wedding. There’s no coming back. Just me and my son now, starting over again.
How do you just move on from something like this? Who has betrayed me more my cousin or fiancé?
ETA: He is an alcoholic and was charged with DV against me earlier in the year hence the AVO. The matter before the courts relates to driving….i know, red flag after red flag..I honestly try and see the good in people and look past their negative traits but this was one of those times when I should’ve run away at the start.