We’ve been together about a year and a half and have lived together for six months. Most of the time — around 90–95% — she’s the person I fell in love with: funny, ambitious, loving, and caring. But the other 5–10% of the time, it’s like she becomes someone else entirely. Logic disappears, everything is my fault, and she’ll say extremely disrespectful things about me, my family, or my friends — things I could never imagine saying to her. This “dark side” usually emerges when she’s under stress from something external.
Yesterday was a prime example. She was traveling from a work trip to a girls weekend — a five-hour trip that turned into thirteen due to the government shutdown, weather, and airline chaos. I stayed in touch all day, offering support, checking extra flights, giving her my Netflix login to help pass the time. I spoke to her for almost an hour when she was stuck at the airport just to keep her company because I knew what she was going through. That evening, I went to dinner with a friend whose mother had recently died — she knew about it and understood why I was going.
An hour into dinner, she texted saying she was frustrated because they finally got on the last plane, but they'd been sitting on the runway for an hour. I was at dinner listening to my friend tell me how his mother in her early 60s died from medical malpractice, and he watched the whole thing with his own 2 eyes. I went to the bathroom a few min later and texted her back "I'm sorry you're going through this, long travel days suck. Luckily it will be a short flight once you take off and you'll be with your friends soon! Did you ever get my Netflix password to work?"
She sent back an extremely hostile text. She basically said "it's clear that you don't care about me, that was such a BS response, those are just empty words. I don't know if you're just selfish or misogynistic. I honestly feel like you're so misogynistic because of how your parents raised you. It would be really nice to feel like you actually cared about me and didn't just downplay something I'm going through"
I was stunned. We’d spoken throughout her trip with no sign of this. I had spent an hour on the phone with her listening to her vent about her travel day right before dinner, had been texting her all day skating the line between listening and problem solving.
This pattern has been repeating for months, and it gives me constant anxiety because I never know what will trigger it — running late, losing an AirPod, a long TSA line, me leaving a fork in the sink, or not texting enough during the day. Sometimes it's something I did to upset her (usually something very minor) other times it has nothing to do with me. Even if I drop everything I'm doing to comfort her, I will still be the target and her emotional scapegoat.
I’ve brought this up many times, explaining that it feels like I’m walking on eggshells because I never know when these blow ups are coming. She’s started to show a little more accountability and it’s happening slightly less often, but it’s still very much a problem. When I express how it affects me, I usually get an "I'm sorry, but" and then some kind of explanation of how my actions lead to her acting that way or saying what she said. I imagine it's an emotional immaturity thing? The rest of our relationship is so good but the fact that this side of her exists and she has seemingly no control over it makes me very worried about a future with her. Considering we've already talked about this issue numerous times and things really aren't changing all that much, it makes me want to break it off and run for the hills.
She is coming home tomorrow. I want to be very clear to her that is a huge issue for me and definitely a deal breaker. If this does not change in a substantial way, I will leave. I don't want to threaten her or give her an ultimatum, but I do want to let her know how serious this is for me. Any input on how to have this conversation would be greatly appreciated.
TL;DR – My GF is great 90% of the time. 10% of the time she gets into these very emotional states, usually spurred on by some sort of negative emotions coming from an external event. Stress at work, running late, travel delays etc.. When she gets into these moods, she can be very mean, personal insults on my character, my family etc. and no matter what I do I can't be right and it's my fault. I've told her how this makes me feel anxious because I never know when it's coming and it's improved but only marginally.
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I mean my gut reaction is that if you have told her several times, and she’s not changing, there’s not much to do….
But alright, here you go. You just say it like you said it in the post – calmly, lay it out. This is a dealbreaker, this is a personal boundary. This chagnes or you will have to leave as you refuse to live like this. She can NOT be defensive in the conversation. She needs accountability, she needs to listen to you.
Is she in therapy? Would she be willing to go SPECIFICALLY to address this?
For yourself, you also need to set yourself STRONG boundaries. How much time are you giving her to fix this? How many more times will you allow disrespect before you leave? You dont’ need to tell her this you just need to be accountable to yourself. Otherwise, you’ll be in the same place as you were in another year.
But for what it’s worth, if you think you need to walk away now, I’m very in support of that. I just know that’s easier said than done and want to make sure you have a framework if you do choose to work through it instead of leaving.
You say she’s 90% nice and 10% not.
I suspect that what’s really going on is that your absolute shit girlfriend is able to pretend to be nice 90% of the time and just doesn’t bother 10% of the time.
Don’t stick around for when she gets tired of pretending so much.
People know what they are doing , she isn’t used to respecting people . And especially you .
I don’t see why she talks bad , about your parents or even your friends . When 90% of the time it’s sunshine and rainbows
She sounds entitled , and if things doesn’t go her way she lashes out
Talking this out 1 on 1 isn’t gonna fix much , she needs a therapist
This is really quite abusive. She’s 29 and should be able to keep her moods in check but it seems she struggles and that’s not fair to you. When I started out reading this, I felt like you were going to say she’s just a little moody whilst on her period. This is seriously manipulative.
This is abuse. She’s not immature- she’s verbally and emotionally abusive. I would end the relationship over it. I mean you CAN tell her that you’ll end the relationship the next time that it happens but it will happen again, so idk why you would wait for that.
She sounds like my mom. I had to break off contact with her because it was so toxic and harmful.
Obviously not the same but people like this are very hard to change. People who struggle to take ownership will never see a problem with this behaviour, thus not get better.
The fact that you’re seeing this so early on is good, so you can make the decision to leave before you truly get too far in
You break up. If someone is faithful 90% of the time and only chest 10% of the time, the whole relationship is bad. If someone is truthful 90% of the time and lies 10%, the whole relationship is bad
Anyone can be kind when they are fine. It’s who someone is in a hard time that really counts. This is the person you would have for you at the worst moments of your life, and you know she will not be a good or empathetic person at those times.
If you can’t trust someonen to be a good person under stress, you just can’t trust them to be a good person.
This sounds a lot like my ex who has Borderline Personality Disorder. Google the screening questions and see if she fits the pattern.
Then, she’ll need to agree to treatment, or you’ll deal with this forever if you continue to stay with her.
I have no idea how she really is but people get irritated, that’s just human, nobody is perfect 100% of the time.
If she constantly lashes at you for things you didn’t do, sit down and talk about it with her or break up.
I feel like there’s some context missing here, it’s odd how she responded to your message.
Check r/bpdlovedones
If someone made you a great sandwich and then you find out 90% of is good and 10% is shit would you eat the sandwich?
10% of the time is two and a half hours PER DAY.
Also, even if you don’t want children, it’s helpful to think about what kind of parent would this person be – sometimes it’s helpful to get a step back & see a different perspective. Will they be cruel when the child does anything they don’t like? Then they’ll also be cruel to you and why do you think you’re worth less than a pretend child?
I mean if I drove a car that broke down and ruined my week 1 out of 10 drives, I’d get a different car
This sounds like someone with BPD. My partner is the same way. I love him but there is times he’s unrecognizable. I stay with him because I see the good side with him and try to be comprehensive and patient when he goes through his episodes I would say. With that said it can be exhausting and you’re not overreacting in being worried. If you really want this to work then therapy and heavy work from both of your parts has to be done. You have to be realistic and understand that this will probably be a lifelong battle, with some good and some bad days. Think to yourself if this is something that you’re ready to deal with on bad days, when you guys have kids, any hardships, etc. If yes I would recommend starting therapy as soon as possible. Lay down the ultimatum sternly but softly also. From experience people like that tend to feel attacked as soon as you try to have a serious conversation and tend to regress. It seems like she takes some accountability so that’s good. You deserve respect and unconditional love. Walking on eggshells with a partner is not good to your mental and physical health. You deserve better than having somebody alter your nervous system because they have a hard time regulating theirs. Maybe she can be that better maybe not. Wish you the best.
If you want to stay with her, I’d say the solution lies in lessening her mental load. I’m a lot like this. When I’m having my meltdowns like this, it stays self contained if there’s no additional stressors. I solved this by having a whiteboard where I’d write down every task, todo, responsibilities, appointments, etc. If something in life gets me down and I have a meltdown, it’s always something from the list I go after next (and complaints about partner that he never took seriously the first few times I brought it up). The fewer things on the list the more self contained the meltdowns are.
Not that it’s your responsibility. The other comments are right. But if you want to stay, this is most likely the approach to mitigating it. Ultimately my partner and I decided to stay together but live separately.
what did you say back when she sent the response?
like another poster said, no one will be perfect 100% of the time. however, a person taking accountability for that is what can make imperfect tolerable. if she isn’t willing to say she was wrong and apologize, that’s not a person ready for a relationship.
in my opinion you guys moved in together too fast. now you see who she really is and it feels harder to walk away. don’t let that stop you. the amount of time you are describing having to hold her hand through that day reads to me like someone who is quite dependent on others emotionally and that text is a poop cherry on top that she doesn’t even appreciate all that effort. she has real growing to do.
but it may not feel to her like it’s actually a big deal to you if you aren’t pushing back when it happens. if someone sent me that text I would respond then that I wouldn’t be spoken to that way.
I think this specific instance is very telling. You were supporting her all day. But the moment you had to (rightfully) pivot your attention to someone else, she couldn’t stand it. What she’s teaching you is that her needs must always and forever come first, and that your attention to the needs of others will be punished with blowups and chaos. Other people in this thread might have suggestions on what to do about it. I just want you to see it clearly.
That Is textbook borderline
Its sounds like she has abandonment issues, which totally does NOT justify her behaviour. She might percieve you to be not prioritizing her or maybe she has BPD.
Its something you should bring up to her and have a calm discussion about it….otherwise its not fair to you
If she’s mean to you 5-10% of the time but you’re afraid of her 100% of the time, then she’s mean to you 100% of the time. This is abusive and you need to get out
I’m gonna repeat what everyone here is saying but it sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder. This sounds a lot like my ex girlfriend who was very loving but constantly needed affirmation and attention. If I couldn’t provide that she would send, I kid you not, the exact same thing your girlfriend sent you. There’s a great book I read called Walking on Eggshells. And look up what it takes to be in a relationship with a person with this disorder. It’s very unfortunate for her but that doesn’t mean she has the right to take it out on you.
Think very long and hard about your future with her because rehab is possible but it is very very difficult because this disorder started in childhood. I’m sorry man I know it’s hard because of the amount of attention and sex she gives you but understand that she will not change this within six months. Rehab for BPD takes about 5-10 years for therapy to work.
Google “quiet borderline personality disorder” and get the book “Stop Walking on Eggshells.”
Wow the comments here are extreme
Ill start my advice with the bad you cant change people who don’t want to change and its not your responsibility to “fix” Your partner…. Rather simple but i think lots of us fall for that trap
Your story sounds like the reverse of my own story so in a selfish statement out into the universe I hope you try for yours and her sake. You said 90% of the time its wonderful not 90% of the time im being played by a narcissist which people are going to jump to conclusions
One thing it could be is poor self regulation skills which is typical these days. Things get hard and we revert to our primitive brain and do all kinds of crazy shit. If you lean into the reasons behind the behaviour with curiosity she might have seriously dark shit in her past she needs to deal with and you can absolutely support her with (again not your responsibility to fix theres a difference)
She could have emotional triggers your probably aware of some but again curiosity look into them talk about them and ultimately the end goal is everyone should try to heal them and its really difficult shit to do
Advice for you is be the best man you can be dont get lost in your part in this relationship know your worth and look after yourself
My personal view from my own experiences with couples counselling is its a door way to separation because the industry is out dated you cant get good help talking for an hour once a month thats crazy and it sucks. Individual counselling is crisis care if your feeling suicidal they are great to get you stable but like everything in life the journey to a healthy mental wellbeing is to take responsibility for yourself (she needs to take responsibility herself) I gained immense help from editing my Instagram Algorithm saving relationship content absorbing information like crazy. Everything is free you just need to find it understand it and the hard one implement it.
We pick partners subconsciously who have something we lack and challenge each other right around 18 months to change and grow as individuals (probably a bit of a simple explanation). The danger of walking away from a relationship without learning about the problems individually is you might repeat the relationship again with someone new (sounds familiar to most people) so if you stay or go look into yourself what did you need to learn from her? What did she need from you?
I hope you stick it out and support her while she heals herself perhaps because perhaps she was trying to find someone who wouldn’t give up on her
Best of luck
Look, this is who she really is. The nice stuff, when things are going her way is a facade. This negative attitude will come out more when you’re married and she doesn’t have to put up a front. God help you if you have kids with this woman
men can be abused. she is verbally abusive towards you
Tbh this sounds like abuse- esp that you are on egg shells… But also- BPD? She may want to get checked out.
Does she have my PMDD? As a PMDD-er, that was my first thought.
She could have some mental disorder truly going on, OR look at it this way…. The shit person you see 10% of the time could be her true personality and the good person you see 90% of the time could be her fake self.
Either way, that sounds incredibly tiring. But hey it’s only been a few months of living together, and living together for 1-2 years is the best way to see if you’re both truly compatible or not. I’m wondering if this has been an issue since day 1, or did it only start after you both moved in together?
She is unable and UNWILLING to manage her emotions when under stress.
I would bet lots of money she can do that at work when things go to shit.
She is immature, entitled, and mean.
I would reconsider this relationship
BPD. Look up splitting. This was my mother. Emotional regulation is very important and somehow being mean to their core is their outlet. That 10% will get higher once you add on the stress of kids.
You know who always describes their partners in terms of the percentage of time they are cruel?
People in various types of toxic and abusive relationships. That’s it. No one else does it.
is your gf chat gpt like your post?
Your girlfriend is using you as a punching bag when she is stressed or unhappy. That is not okay. It’s emotional abuse. As others have recommended, tell her it is a dealbreaker and enforce that boundary. I grew up with an emotionally abusive parent and emotional abuse IS abuse.
This sounds to me like she’s emotionally immature and sometimes wants to aim her negative feelings *at* someone. And you’re close, so you get the brunt of it.
She might be able to channel her frustration in less abusive ways with time and therapy. Just recognizing the pattern can go a long way toward solving it. Maybe try asking “Are you actually mad at me, or are you mad at the situation and taking it out on me?”. Or not — you aren’t her life coach, and you’re under no obligation to stick around if she’s being abusive.
That said, while her reaction is waaaaay over the top especially considering how much time you’d already put into supporting her that day, that text would have annoyed me too. It just sounds condescending to say something she already knows. She probably just wanted you to validate her frustration and maybe distract her a little. But there’s a way to communicate that without trying to burn the whole relationship to the ground, and she needs to find it.
Dude, Borderline Personality Disorder. My girlfriend is diagnosed BPD and in therapy and psychiatry and this sounds exactly like her when she is doing worse mentally. You are describing a BPD episode, and they are directed at the person they love and depend on most, medically known as their “favorite person”. It is EXACTLY as you say where all logic goes out the window and it is pure emotion and primarily when in a state of stress. It can be really hard to deal with because they are an amazing person troubled with a literal wrong wiring of the brain. Look into this.
I was in a similar relationship. It was terrible for me. I hoped it would get better because the 90% was so good, but my ex never expressed any interest in changing the 10%. It was up to me to manage that 10% and boy did that burden get heavier and heavier over time. My ex’s triggers got more and more extreme and started to affect my life really badly. I think my ex was suffering from PTSD and I do feel bad for her, but she didn’t want to address it. Which I also understand because it was so painful…but I can’t stick around.