Obligatory apology for typos as I’m on a cell phone. Like the title says, my 42f boyfriend 55m of 3 years has a close friendship with his ex 54f who he was with for 14 years. For context: Before they got together they had cheated on their partners with each other and they broke up when she confessed she cheated on him later in the relationship. They’ve been broken up for ten years and she lives in another state.
The problem to me isn’t that they’re friends but that they are “best friends”, which again is not in and of itself a problem, but he also sends her random pictures of his day, is secretive about their messages together, has public playlists on his Spotify of love songs dedicated to her, shares a Costco account and credit card with her, shares location with her and she even named his house on the map, has a cute little icon for her on his phone and placed her at his top favorite, keeps stuffed animals and other momemtos that she’s given him displayed prominently in his bedroom. This is in contrast to how he treats me with him getting angry about something unrelated and blocking me from his Spotify playlists and socials then never unblocking me (for those going to ask I’ve never done anything inappropriate on his socials; this was done as a punishment), has me as last on his phone favorites (7 out of 7) with no photo, threw the stuffed animal I gave him into a random pile of pillows in an unused room. He’ll also being her up randomly, like when I was trying to suggest vacation ideas for us and he went into a spiel about his ex’s latest vacation or the time he out of nowhere started telling me about how his ex modeled in a bikini in a yoga magazine (I’m not religious but my family is and so I keep everything modest in my socials). I’ve tried to discuss some of these things with him but when I do he accuses me of being controlling and says that he’s been friends with her since before I was born so I have no say in anything about the way the interact.
In addition to all that about once every three to four weeks he starts a random argument and uses it as an excuse to break up. During the day or two right before the blow up I’ll notice that my boyfriend and his ex will be texting a lot. He claims that they only text once a month but I find it odd that is around that time when arguments start.
This Wednesday he brought his phone out and started showing me some issue he was having with texts in the new update. First he showed me my texts with him, which is when I could see that he had removed my picture from my profile on his phone. He knew that this would hurt me, as we have discussed that it hurts me before and the only other person he had a picture for is his ex. When he clicked out of our messages I could see hers was still there. I could also see that, while I had once been the only favorite, I had been moved from third, after his ex and sister, to seventh with four new people added to favorites to bump me down the line. I was hurt by that as well but didn’t feel it was worth an argument so I said nothing.
He must have noticed I was off and asked what was wrong. I told him I would be fine but he kept pressing the issue. I finally started to answer and could barely get the words “my picture…” or before he had jumped up from the couch and was screaming about how I was trying control his phone. I had not even gotten to finish my sentence let alone tell him to do anything with his phone. I felt like things were escalating unnecessarily and left. We haven’t spoken since.
I’d like to point out that he is a very careful and detail oriented individual. He would not accidentally show me something that would bother me. He knew that this would be upsetting and chose to show it to me anyway. It was completely unnecessary for me to even see his phone that day or for him to keep it in my direct view for as long as he did.
Yesterday evening I blocked him in case he tries to call. I feel like I’m playing second to another woman in my own relational and honestly I’m tired of it. Even though she’s not here it feels like she has access to all the good stuff he has with me and then some, including emotional closeness.
What can I do to either manage the jealousy this is causing for me or is just time to count my losses?
Td;lr boyfriend is “best friends” with his ex who he was with for 14 years and I’m uncomfortable with their relationship to the point that I’m considering breaking it off with him over it