I’ve struggled whether to call this relationship outright abusive for a while. It’s the kind that teeters on what I understand to be conclusively abusive (physical), and because of his argumentation style, I often am confused about who is at fault.
He’s a very passionate person, the kind that feels emotions to the extreme (most comfortable with anger), but generally is happy-go-lucky. I on the other hand, am an extremely level headed, ‘let’s talk it through and solve the issue’ kind of person when things go awry, but generally, am also a happy-go-lucky person. We share a lot of interests and personal goals, and have a very similar sense of humor. We also work 2+ jobs, so our schedules have always been tight, but after 3 years, we’ve found a rhythm that works for us.
Last night, while we were on the phone discussing plans to meet either that night or the next, he expressed wanting to see me both nights, and I said that’d be lovely, but I’d like to see my girl friends one of the evenings I’m free, but before I could finish explaining why (i’d missed a birthday having been out of town to visit a sick parent), he lays into me:
”you’re canceling plans with me for your friends? what even is this relationship?? you say you miss me because you were out of town, and i haven’t seen you for a week, and you do this?! I’m clearly not a priority of yours!”
He was raising his voice so I interjected and said as much, adding that until he was ready to have a calm conversation about this, I’m getting off the phone.
2 minutes later, he’s in my front yard, asking me “are you stupid? Are you that much of a dummy? You’re a liar and a bad person, why the fu*k would anyone want to be with you?”
And then he flipped me off as he turned to leave, asking to let him know when a good time would be to exchange items at each other’s houses. Essentially, a threat to break up.
He must have blocked me at some point in the evening because my texts trying to explain myself weren’t going through, so I went to bed, only to wake up to a long, rambling, barely sensible text he had sent at 2am blaming me for everything wrong in his life, but asking to resolve this.
The issue is, this behavior has been ramping up ever since I decided to withdraw from enduring it, i.e. removing myself when he starts raising his voice, when he starts making it personal against me, when he starts showing signs of physical intimidation (slamming doors, getting into my personal space, maybe throwing soft items across the room). Prior, it happened so sporadically, and wasn’t always aimed at me, that it was difficult to define as ‘abuse’ or just a quirk (he almost always apologized after, justifying the occurrence as work stress, drank too much, or some other personal issue).
In the past, I’d sit and listen and talk it through with him. But it’s grown to a point where I’m now made out to be the enemy, every single time he has these tantrums. It is ME that is the source of his misery and misfortune, that we could have the perfect relationship if I could only realize what they do for me/how I’m falling short. And when I say I won’t tolerate it, that they’re scaring me, that asking me if I’m stupid is equal to calling me stupid, he’s claiming that I’m making an enemy out of him? And that him asking if I’m stupid, isn’t the same thing as actually calling me stupid.
And what’s funny, is that all I want to say is “you too!” These weird meltdowns of his are the actual hurdles, his inability to see what he’s putting me through and having to be the bigger person each time, the cost on my soul and heart. But if I say that, then I’m “DARVOing him”, or turning everything on him to avoid accountability.
But asking for a night with friends, or wanting to visit my sick parent, shouldn’t result in a meltdown from my partner, right??
I just need a fresh pair of eyes on this. I’m a little too in the midst to see this for what it is – I’ve ask friends and family and they have different interpretations… tho my family has a background in domestic violence, so the advice in my personal life is varied.