I (22 M) and my partner (21 M) have been friends for a long time, and somewhere in high school, I began to learn that he saw me as more than just a friend. I was always straight, and had never found a guy attractive, but I had been attracted to people due to personality before (maybe I’m pan?). We have been dating ever since, about 5 years now. Since middle school, I have been very introverted, and I never needed to make new friends, as I still have the same friends I did from elementary school. I can make acquaintances no problem, but I always preferred to be alone and was comfortable with my thoughts. I meditated and ate healthy, exercised and I was happy. I grew up in a Protestant family, not super religious, but a believer, and I hold many of those values close to me still. I was always a people pleaser, and very easy going. As the middle of two brothers, I learned that most things are better agreed upon than fought over for, and I was happy and content when things didn’t always go my way (I like to think this is how I kept my friends thus far). Covid really ruined high school for me socially and the girl I was obsessed with I now had no chance with. I became “depressed” (in quotes because now I know what that’s really like) and I was very lonely, even for my introverted self. This is when my partner and I got closer, and they really helped me through my struggles. I had good friends and my parents were always supportive, but this was the only friend who I really felt I could tell anything to, and I felt indebted. This was the beginning of our relationship. Over the last 4 years since then, we have been happy and made lots of memories with our friends (we have the same friends by the way). We always questioned my sexuality, as I was only ever attracted to girls, and other than him, still was. Maybe this should have been a sign. After high school, I went to community college to pursue an associates, as I didn’t care for college life, and I already knew what I wanted to do for a career. Community college was just a stepping stone for me, and I didn’t care about making friends while I was there, so I didn’t, but I definitely found myself paying close attention to some of the girls in my classes, and I told myself that they were dark thoughts, and I never saw any of them after the semester anyways, so I always moved on. But I was still curious what it would be like to be with a woman. After 2 years in community college, I took one more semester as I was behind due to my program, and then I took a gap semester. During my gap semester, I was very alone, my friends and partner were all away in college, and I had nothing that I really wanted to do. I felt I had been on such a strict path that when it deviated for the extra classes, I crumbled. I felt that I was just a passenger, watching my life unfold instead of making the decisions myself, outside of things I did in childhood, I didn’t even know what I liked to do. I was very open with my partner that I felt like I was not getting the attention that I needed, and we sorted this problem out, as we do with every problem we have. We almost never argue and when we do, we always make up quickly. We do disagree but we respect each other’s opinions. Throughout this time period, I started my first stepping stone job in my career, and began to make friends with the coworkers that trained me. This was the first time I had made entirely new friends since high school. There was a girl at my job who made me start to worry. I wasn’t just lustful, I really desired to be with a woman, and I fantasized about being together and being able to have our own kids. This is what I really was attracted to. I took a leave from my job when I started my four year university (that I transferred into as a junior) and this is where I am now, where I have encountered this issue again. I was afraid of talking to girls because I don’t trust myself, I was afraid that they might like me, and I was afraid that I would like them too. I don’t want to ruin my relationship, but I don’t know if I should keep it. I deeply care about my partner and I have always wanted to protect them and make them happy. This would destroy their life, and maybe ruin our relationship with our friend group. I’m beginning to think that I loved them as a friend and not a partner, even though we were intimate. Now I have met a girl who I have become friends with, and I’m going mad. I can’t take it anymore, constant guilt, shame, fear, and regret. I’m terrified every day and I haven’t slept more than two hours a night for weeks. I have night terrors, and dreams about a family with this girl, but I barely know her. How could I give up 5 years of a relationship to risk it all with someone new? But how can I not when I haven’t been satisfied all my life? I feel my mental health deteriorating which has never been like me, and I am torn completely in two directions. I realize that I’ve been living a lie and taking the easy way out to make my partner happy and keep my friend group together, but I am straight, and I want a wife and kids of my own. I have never felt worse and I feel sicker every day, I can’t eat or sleep or get any coursework done. I have told my partner about lustful problems that I have but I don’t have the heart to tell them this much. We are in counseling now because I want to give them hope but I fear this is worse because I do not know if there is any. I have no one else to talk to about this, nobody else can give me advice or understand, and I know I am in the wrong but I can’t live like this. I’ve never felt torment and pain like I feel right now and I just want it to be over. Please help me.
TL;DR
I screwed up and I don’t know what to do. I’m straight in a gay relationship that my friend group and the happiness of my partner rides on, but I just want the mental torment to end, and I want to have a girlfriend or at this point even be alone again.