My (21F) boyfriend (22M) and I have been dating for around 5 years now. We are high school sweethearts and I have cherished our relationship for a long time, thus the long term relationship. Now we are seniors in college and about to graduate next year. We go to different school around 2 hours apart by car.
I was always somewhat aware that we are very different from each other, starting from our family background and personalities. I think that he is very low maintenance and generally had low expectations for people, while I am a little more high maintenance with moderate expectations on people. I feel like my needs or wants aren’t fully fulfilled in the relationship.
What I am dissatisfied with is that he doesn’t really go out of his way to put in effort into the relationship. Like yes, he picks me up when we are hanging out and he pays for dinner like 70% of the time, but that’s really it. He does visit me from school more often than I visit him which I appreciate, but I don’t think these things are necessarily special ways to show me love. If anything, I feel like these are pretty normal basic things of a relationship. I am not saying that I don’t appreciate him—I really do appreciate the things he does, I just need more.
I’ve vocalized this to him a couple of times. I told him I want him to show me love by putting in more effort into doing special things. I said it isn’t about money and it can simply be writing me a note, getting my favorite snack, something that reminds him of me, flowers, etc. When I vocalized this, he said that people don’t normally say they “need more” from others or they want their boyfriends to “go out of their way” for effort. He practically shamed me for wanting more from him.
Something that I also want to point out is that he thinks any bf who puts in extra effort into their gf are bums who do not have ambition in being successful or wealthy. He says I should just wait for his future because him working hard and being successful will be beneficial for me too in the future. I don’t understand how he thinks putting in more effort into me means he will not be successful.
Additionally, because we are away from each other 90% of the time, the only way we show love to each other is by texting or calling. So it saddens me how when we do see each other once or twice a month, he doesn’t want to put in effort and show me that he loves me.
Is this how all long term relationships end up like? Please give me some advice on how I should go about this. Thanks for reading:,)
TL;DR: I’m in a long term relationship with my bf and feel that there is no extra effort outside of normal hanging out. Is this normal? What is the best course of action?