I'm looking for advice to snap out of this mindset, to see it differently than I already see it.
Been married around 10 years now. When I first met the sibling in-laws we got on great, and we enjoyed hanging out together and they never seemed to have a problem with the type of person I am (though maybe it's that they didn't yet have the full picture). My husband and I are child-free and plan to stay that way, they now have two little boys and invite us over often (to help out/hang out).
My conundrum is this: they seem to be becoming increasingly rigid on what behavior is acceptable and it's taking me by surprise.
It all started when the sister in law showed me a video of "Gay man with dementia hits on the female help staff and forgets that he was ever gay", she laughed about it and loved the comment about "hitting factory reset". She has made comments about how she doesn't know what she would do if either son turned out gay. She also had a very hyper focused concern about her first son having autism (to the point of googling/studying his every action).
I generally find those that are homophobic to also be very strict on traditional gender roles being followed (as it's part of the homophobia itself). I'm not even bi-sexual, I just tend to find a lot of people pointlessly gender things when they don't need to and I find it absolutely tiresome and petty to get hung up on these things. It's needlessly restrictive and I would have to alter so much about myself to even come close to what they think is acceptable.
I'll give examples of things that became a bit contentious:
One instance was that they seemed concerned that I wanted to play fight with the children (dueling with "swords", or general roughhousing). If anything, I was likely the one starting it, it's just how I grew up. It's how I am. But everytime she would check on us with concern to make sure he wasn't being too rough with me. This same concern was never present when my husband play fought with them. I was getting mixed signals on if they wanted me to just stop or.. what. Like they won't ever just come out and say what they want me to do, just hover and question me. It's kind of annoying. I'd rather just be told "hey we want him to not roughhouse with girls at all" so I at least have a clear line in the sand. But they've never stated that.
If the kid asks me point blank if something is "just for girls", I don't even know what they expect me to say. 1) Go ask your parents (since they don't trust my ideals?) This topic has come up before and I just said "it doesnt matter, girls and boys can like whatever they like." This was apparently no bueno.
We were all eating and the sibling in-laws were getting a bit contentious with each other (meal times are stressful for them as the kids are picky/slow eaters and they constantly fight about it). I still don't know if I imagined this but I remember the older boy suddenly blurting out "yeah, you stupid man-girl" while looking straight at me (I was focused on eating and not stepping in on their fight). You know how kids repeat what they hear? I got the sense the brother in-law had referred to me in this way in private within ear shot of his son. It was so sudden and out of nowhere that I didn't know how to react, and everyone else just didn't seem to acknowledge it either. It was bizarre.
I don't want to overstep boundaries, they're not my kids, they can raise their sons as they see fit. If they want to enforce strict gender roles, that's their choice. But I can't not just be myself, which seems to be becoming a problem for them. I get the sense that they don't even like having me around at this point because I make things difficult for them and their rigid views. I hate constantly questioning my own instincts, it's not a fun time to feel like who you are is annoying to someone on a general level.
I've tried telling this to my husband but he has a hard time seeing it from my perspective. He just expects me to keep coming along with him when I've told him I would rather he go on his own. Sure, I would miss hanging out with the nephew in-laws but at least I wouldn't have to feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells.
So how do I move forward? Apparently just sitting it out isn't socially acceptable and we're a package deal and I can't just not come along with him. I think maybe I'm being overly sensitive about it, but I don't know how not to be. I've turned into a completely boring person when I'm there in order to not be a problem for them (and I hate it).
TL;DR: sibling in-laws (with two young sons) have rigid gender role expectations and I don't naturally follow them because it's not who I am. I'm stuck wanting to not go there and my husband wanting me to come along anyways when it's frustrating to be there as they don't seem to even want me there. How do I move past this thought process of feeling unwanted/annoying and go back to enjoying spending time with them? Is it possible?
Edit: thanks for the tough love so far, keep it coming if you want, but I've got a lot to ponder now and it's helped to shake me off the one track I was stuck on. Yeah, most of you probably picked up on my lack of a spine and self-confidence, it's an ongoing struggle. I'll be stating that I won't go for weeks at a time anymore, that's just too damn long to be fielding their passive aggression the entire time.