Hi so I (20) have been dating my gf (21) for about 3 months now. I had just gotten off a FaceTime with her and when she answered, she was in bed getting spooned by her gay guy best friend. I’ve met this guy before and from what I’ve experienced he’s a great guy.
Flustered, I asked why’re you cuddling with my girl? It may have came of as a joking manner to them because they laughed and she said that he likes dihh. They said they were pretty much just doom scrolling together. I was busy hanging with friends at the time so I ended the call saying have fun guys or something.
I’ve never been put in this situation so I’m wondering how I should go about this. I tried justifying it in my head that he’s gay but in my head if I were to be in that position (aka cuddling with a gay girl bsf), it still would just feel so disrespectful to me. I feel uncomfortable and to be honest I’m at a loss of whether or not this is fine. How should I go about this?
TL;DR – my gf (21) of 3 months answered my facetime with her and her gay guy bsf spooning her. Makes me uncomfortable, how should i approach this?
11 comments
Hey there, your relationship is fairly new. You are still learning each other and getting to know one another. If something makes you uncomfortable, bring it up and don’t stew on it. If she dismisses it, then at least it’s only been 3 months.
Don’t settle for someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries.
I’d say you’re in a good position here. Your Gf and her friend aren’t hiding anything and shes openly showing she trusts you to trust her.
If you can hold on to that. it’s a basis for a very strong relationship.
I am someone who has slept in a bed with male friends. Nothing happens if you are really just friends.
That said I was always single when I did that and never in a relationship because I do think your partners feelings need to be respected and I won’t do anything that if the roles were reversed would bother me.
It’s normal to have a boundary around this.
Firstly, this seems like a new situation you’re in and not something you’ve dealt with before so well done for taking a breath and examining your feelings and why you’re uncomfortable!
I think you need to work out why are you uncomfortable about this?
– Is it that you don’t want her cuddling anyone – like you want that to be just for the two of you?
– Is it that it’s because it’s a guy she is cuddling with, but if it was with a girl it’d be fine?
If you do intend to bring it up to your GF, I’d go with a mind of curiosity – is she or her friends quite tactile and cuddly generally? What’s her view on cuddles as friends and as couples – how is it different?
Remember, she chose to be with you. She answered the phone and obviously didn’t hide anything from you.
You are not in competition with her gay friend. Be curious and you might find it comes from somewhere very normal but cuddling romantically is something different.
(31M straight)
I have some gay friends but would never SPOON them in bed. Sitting beside each other in bed or stuff like that, sure, but something intimate like spooning is weird, even if they’re gay! I don’t even do that with my female friends 🤣
Idk what yall are on about she cuddling with a whole other dude gay or not shes even comfortable showing this to someone shes supposed to be in a relationship with and this is most likely something she does often bro ik plenty of females that dont cuddle with their gay male bf while in a relationship bro this isnt normal if this really makes u comfortable you need to end it while its early now u gonna be wondering if shes cuddling with this dude while your not there its not worth it
My brother in Christ the other comments are absolutely nuts lol. This is weird behavior, I have tons of male and female friends, gay, bi, and straight, if I’m cuddling with any of them it’s because we’re *involved* you feel me?
I’m not saying that’s what’s going on here, but I am saying it’s strange behavior, and it’s something, to you, that should only really be shared with a significant other. Bit of a different story if she’s with one of her girl friends, not as big a deal and I’d personally not think as much of it. Other commenters would say that’s a double standard and hell yeah it is lol we live in a society full of them.
I’d say, take a breather, discharge your anger and don’t stew about it, and speak to her about it kindly but firmly that it’s uncommon behavior in our society and it’s not something you’re cool with her doing with her male friends(unless you are, then it’s a different story). Gauge her reaction, and go from there. If she flies off the handle, I’d probably look elsewhere, her boundaries are just too different
How you approach it largely depends on how serious of a boundary this is for you. And that’s something you need to puzzle out for yourself.
If it’s a dealbreaker, it needs to be expressed as such. If it’s a negotiable thing, you need to figure out where exactly your line is.
IMO… spooning rather intimate, even for friends. The fact that you haven’t gotten an explanation or an apology or anything tells me that their position is already sorta set. If you’re not comfortable sharing her on some emotional level with this guy, I’d brace for a breakup.
My ex had a gay friend. They’re now married. Turns out he wasn’t so gay after all.
Tell your gf that it makes you uncomfortable, that spooning, cuddling, is an act of intimacy that you reserve for partners.
Bro idk what these top comments are talking about out. If you’re not trying to have an open relationship, then spooning with anyone, gay or not, is wrong.
Them being friends is not a problem but cuddling is not.
Here is where you are being blind sighted; remove the excess tags like gay, bi, straight, etc.
She was cuddling a guy, period. His orientation has nothing to do with what they were doing. What if he is bi?
Like you said, imagine you get a female best friend you cuddle with. How would she take it?
Would she feel better when you say she is lesbian.
Have a talk with her and set boundaries.