Hi guys, looking for a bit of advice here, as this situation is a major strain on my wedding. We've been together for 9 years now, we're both 30. As 21 years old, our stance on having kids were negative. Not only was I ok with it, I was relieved.. I honestly never thought about me as a father, but we were pretty young.
Years passed, and by 27 years old, her view on the topic changed.. she began talking about kids, and how she thinks family is important, and what would happen when we got older. She never fully said "I want kids", but kept pushing the subject on conversation. I'll admit, I was defensive on this.. I'm not really good at articulating these life subjects, but I was trying my best, at least on my point of view. Thing is, on her mind, this is an "unfinished subject", so it keeps hammering her mind until a decision is settled. Then, over another argument with her, I said "ok, you changed your mind, but I need some time to think about it. Can you give me an year to get used to the idea?".
You might be wondering, "a full year?!", and yes, it might not have been the best approach, but again, I'm not lying when I said I never saw myself as a father. At the time, we were both at university, had shitty jobs, and we just bought an apartment together.. so, finances were a huge topic to me because I don't want to do things the way my parents did: surfing on debts, overworked and constantly asking for loans on banks. I said it to her, and she thought it was a shitty concern: people who want to have kids just do, you don't need fancy things to have a baby, but she accepted it.
Going from 27 to 28yo, she kept pushing the subject sporadically, and when I replied that I was still getting used to the idea, she kept bursting, stating that I was avoiding this conversation, until on one of these arguments, she actually said "I want kids". I tried articulating my concers around money, but met the same response. We graduated, I asked her on marriage, things were looking ok. A year had passed, it's 2024, then I made my mind. I tried to innitiate this subject with her, talk the best way I could, and said "I'm willing to try this with you. Our apartment is due to march 2026, let's move in and have the baby there, we'll be off rent, so more money to do things comfortably. Also, if natural doesn't work, I'm not willing to try adoption."
It didn't go well. She felt I was delaying things further. It lead to another argument, and another, and another. No matter how many times I said I wanted to try it, she never acepted it. I tried fully saind "I want having this baby", but she dismissed it, she felt it wasn't real.
By june 2025, we married. It's weird because on her vows she said I made her happy everyday, but sometimes I don't feel like I do. A couple of weeks after the party we had our monthly argument over this. I said I honestly didn't know what else to say to convince her, our apartment it up in 6 months. Then she said her window to have a baby was getting shorter and shorter, and I kept delaying it. Then, I heard it. She said "Honestly, I don't want it anymore. I'm not feeling safe having a baby with you.", crying. We kinda ended the conversation there.
Couple months passed, she quit her stressful job. In her words, during one of our conversations: "I found exactly the job I was looking for: higher pay, no stress, no talking all day with people and yet, I feel it's not enough". She said that I must be happy, because she doesn't want get pregnant now and I can delay things further.
Cut to yesterday, she touched the "adoption" subject. What my view on it was. I said it was cool that people do it, but if it was about having a kid, I'd rather try my own. Then we argued again. She always states that I'm impossible to have these conversation, she just asked about adoption, why do I have to put kids in the middle of it like she's trying to sneak another subject into the conversation. It just makes me feel confused.
Then again, I head it. "I don't feel safe having a baby with you. The first major problem that this devilish kid do, you're not gonna be there. You always run". It feels like a gut punch sometimes, but to her, this is just a fact, it doesn't mean anything.
I have no idea how to make my take on the baby clearer. I'm clearly not navigating this well, but even when I end with with a black on white response as "I want this babyyy", it's still not enough. To be honest, it's painful being seen as this.. hearing "you're not gonna be there", "men run", "you avoid problems", "I don't feel safe with you", "I'm certaing you gonna run". Feels like I failed as a men.