I’m 26F and pretty attractive but I’ve been chronically single for the last 3 years. I left a 6 year relationship right before I turned 23 because my ex was using me as a placeholder and didn’t see a future with me. The last 3 years of the relationship were bad, so even though I didn’t want to leave it was for the best.
Ever since then I’ve been on and off the apps. I take breaks from dating periodically for my mental health and because I’m just a very busy person. But also because OLD has never really gone anywhere for me. It’s pretty discouraging and triggering trying to date men from ages 23-26 and just have nothing work out for me.
I’ve had a bunch of first dates only, hooked up with someone I knew from HS, had a 7 month FWB, and was seeing/dating a guy for 3 weeks that a friend of mine referred me to organically.
Whether men find me attractive or not is not the problem. I’ll admit I can be picky but not in the “oh he has to have a 6 pack, $500k salary or be 6ft” kind of way. I know what I want and I don’t want to settle for a man that isn’t right for me or is going to make me miserable.
The dating scene is just beyond help at this point. I see everyone on social media getting married and having kids and I can’t for the life of me find a boyfriend. It’s getting ridiculous.
This past week I redownloaded the apps after a 6 month hiatus. Just to be met with the same stupid sexual comments and have a man cancel my first date back into the scene again.
I’m kinda at the point where I wish I didn’t want to love or be loved cause apparently it’s not going to happen for me for whatever reason. I’ll never understand why the most horrible people find relationships so easily or meet the best people. But people who are genuinely good people don’t get that same experience.
Edit: Whoever is downvoting my replies, why???
28 comments
Suggest you stop trying, and make an LTR with *yourself* for two or three years. What would that look like, if you tried it?
Something to think about when looking at other people is that a lot of them settled because they were in the same place you are. I feel like divorces in your 20’s have gone up with our generation bc people just want to be married so they just marry whoever and it turns out terribly. I’m in the same spot, I have been single for about 5 years and I cannot fathom dating right now. And I just feel so lonely. But I just try to remind myself that it’s better to wait and find the right person than settle bc you think it’s time, that will never end well. Sending support your way!!
In the same boat at 37. 🤦♀️ All I get is overly sexual comments, men wanting hook ups when they say they want something serious in their profile, ghosting. On top of that, the latest guy I was going to meet turned out to have sexual assault charges against him. Horrible luck so far. Been single for on and off 4 years now, and before that I was in a 10-year long relationship.
It baffles me that guys stand girls up lol. Feels like I’m dying of thirst just trying to get any girls to respond to a message let alone set a date. If you’re in the DC area I’ll take you out lol
Yeah it is definitely hard to meet decent people.
Imagine trying it in your 30s smh…31F single, very strange to me I’ll state basic values and things that’s are important to me such as desiring marriage, having no kids, being established in one’s career and the exact opposite will reach out like crazy, or they’ll have some of the basics but also don’t truly know what they want and I’m even talking about men who are in their 40s. Strange times we’re in, it’s tough for many of us. You are not alone.
Everyone is struggling. Few are willing to change for the better. Seems as though bland is just being tossed around and nobody is taking risks or curious.
Everyone is a bit picky. It’s good to be cautious. I think often us 20 somethings are consumed by work or school. It’s a tough world to navigate and it’s not going to play out the way we wanted. To find that relationship you’ll have to forget about it. It’s idealized and giving false hope. A true connection is built not found. Who is worth getting to know. Who is worth the time and effort it takes to understand someone else while also learning to let yourself be vulnerable. Best of luck in your search for someone
I feel your pain! I’m 32 and have been trying on the apps for a few months after a year long break. last year I went on a few dates and prior to that, was another year long break. I’ve been in long/short term relationships as well i’m the past. I’m running into guys randomly ghosting for about a week just to come back and tell me they’re not interested, after I’ve already forgotten about them. just continue weeding out all the “no”s, enjoy your own company, enjoy your friends’ company. a partner should complement your life.
Take a break, i know myself have tried every so often on the apps but I just find it exhausting. Hope you find your person
Girl, just think about how we were saved with the first wave of divorce. A lot of people who got married on their 20s are either coparenting or single parent with multiple baby mommas/daddies and trap with them until their kiddos turn 18.
But I totally get you.
Not to discount your experience, because it does sound frustrating, BUT you are actually still quite young! I (39F) can honestly say all relationships before 30 were just practice- it helped me simmer out my love and contentment with the relationship I had with myself, and what I needed if I was going to invite a partner into that. When I met my now partner of almost 3 years, we had both given up on finding sparky love, that really connected and made us feel alive. We had settled that we would probably just be stuck in a FWB situation out in the world forever- but then we found each other. Honestly- humans are part of late stage capitalism, the drive, the manners, the outlook, save a few special ones in the masses of morons.
I would just enjoy the life you can create with yourself at the center, free from considering other peoples needs. I feel like once I became fully content my dude emerged from the noisy landscape of life and dating. I also tried Feeld, which i felt was a more honest space for what people are really in search of. Thats where me and my dude met- i opened my mileage radius to 111 mile and he opened up his and that happened to be around the same 3 day stretch- some would call it coincidence some would call it cosmic. We had to do long distance for 6 months, one of us had to move from the town they called home (we settled that me moving made the most sense) I had to be willing to live in the crap heap that is the central valley of Ca- knowing it was temporary and we are set to move to a more beautiful place im the spring after 2.5 years having the best time in the worst place. I love him like no other love I have known, makes me feel like I actually never knew real love. But it took sacrifice, willingness, honesty, and work on myself to get to that point. I can suggest this communication book I read called : unbound, a womens guide to power. I found it quite helpful when I was still in the sifting stage of dating apps. I found my person, I know you will find yours- it just may not come in the way you imagined. But remember YOU ARE SO YOUNG (says the granny). You have time! If you believe in manifestation (it sure cant hurt) buy your future guy a tooth brush, make lists of their attributes regularly, write/talk about the life you will live with your perfect mate in detail often. I cleaned my entry way daily and lit an inscent symbolically to invite him to my home, i built a love altar under his side of the bed, I bought a king bed, and poof my man appeared. A bit woo woo but I will take it!
I agree with others here… You are very young and there is time for you. Believe it or not the right guy is out there, he just may not be exactly what you expect. Be open to all types (but not the creeps who make you feel gross after matching with you).
I’m not saying you have to lower your standards, just that internally you have to come to terms that there is no perfect person in this world.
Good luck
I wish this wasn’t so relatable…
acho que terá mais sucesso por aqui
I experienced this exact feeling after leaving a relationship that ended for similar reasons. There’s a few things that helped me get out of that headspace:
1. Spending time with/talking to married people, this is the best way to see marriage and long term relationships as less of a fairytale.
2. Gratitude and taking account of all the ways that loves shows up in my life. Hearing someone call my name, or laughing until I wheeze with friends, a stranger holding the door open for me . That’s love.
3. Decentering men/dating on your social media, fill your feed up with female solo travelers, women who are experts in their field, watch tv shows that center friendships over romantic relationships
Every now and then that feeling still comes up, but it’s just information, it’s not a fact, and I remind myself I can shift my perspective. Instead of “it’ll never happen”, it’s “it’s gonna happen sooner than I expect”. Or “their relationship is evidence that the love I want exists”.
i’m in the saaaame situation. i’m fairly attractive and can get attention from guys, but they’re always the shitty ones. it makes me feel hopeless and like there’s no genuine guy that cares about himself out there for me. i have a thing against dating apps for know but it might come to that…
Yeah, it’s definitely frustrating and discouraging. You’ve been thoughtful and intentional, but it never feels like it’s enough. Prioritizing your well-being should definitely be your top focus, it builds foundation for a healthy and fulfilling relationship. Genuine love and connection take time, and rushing it isn’t going to do you, or anyone, any favors. Your desire to be loved is completely natural. I’m rooting for you.
I just can’t ever figure out how some people go there whole lives without a connection and others pretty much go from relationship to relationship…
It’s hard out here haha. Especially considering that a lot of men are emotionally immature lol
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Better to be single and alone than be in a relationship where you’re unhappy.
It’s not you, it’s modern dating culture unfortunately. The apps create a false sense of abundance and makes people not want to try. The first thing they don’t like, which previously could have been endured, now becomes a reason to move onto the next one. The apps have ruined dating culture altogether.
Fairly sure I’m not the first one to tell you that the common denominator is the apps. Being a guy, I obviously don’t share the same experience of getting swarmed by creeps like this and in fact have the opposite issue, but I’ve tried to dabble with the apps for four years now and every time I downloaded them, they got worse. More filters behind paywalls, less functionalities in general, less and less actual conversations, only disinterested one-word answers, random ghosting or only likes from Chinese bots.
I know it is tempting to use the apps because they seemingly offer the most time-efficient way to go about this, plunging into a pool of people who should by all logic be there because they are on the same page as you and seeking something. But they are thoroughly enshittificated because most of them belong to the same crappy company trying to squeeze every penny out of them. No, I think we as a generation need to re-learn how to go out and make third-spaces where we interact regularly with people of the same interests and even if it takes a long time and may result in nothing anyway, hopefully strengthen our real life social circles and build something with the people there. And as many here have pointed out, being friends first makes it drastically easier to vet people. The apps promise a short-cut to all of this, but ultimately are more of a waste of time given how exhausting they are for your mental health.
It’s really just location dependent, it’s your local dating scene. I’ve lived in multiple cities and towns and to me dating in a big city is 10x easier in my opinion. I have never felt like I couldn’t find a LTR in a big city.
I found it pretty rough to meet anyone I could settle down with, because they were settled down in life already.
What is your objective or end result you want in dating?
Financial security, companionship, regular sex with someone you trust or?
Marriage is not the start of happiness but the start of reality setting in.
If you cannot be happy alone and need someone to fill a void, marriage is probably not the right move.
Marriage = More Responsibilities = Lesser Freedom For Yourself
It’s not fairytale like what we girls are taught. It’s just a social construct to encourage women to give birth & to contribute to the human race to prevent human extinction.
Men only get married for practical & logical reasons – To share a house, expenses, regular sex, companionship. Men don’t marry for love because they enjoy their freedom too much.
They will only get married when they want to have kids to continue their generation – Again… Practical reason.
Marriage is a prison for women not for men. Don’t forget about the unpaid physical & emotional labour we women got to contribute on top of managing a man’s emotions.
Singlehood is the ultimate freedom for women. Better mental health + physical health + financial freedom.
It’s so easy feeling down when you see everyone else’s highlight reel online. But you don’t get to see their drama behind the flashy pictures. I’d take a break from the apps and focus on other things that bring you joy. What kind of hobbies do you have? Once you are more happy with the life you have you’ll be able to connect more easily. It also sounds like you know exactly what you want, that’s cool. No need to change that. Yeah, it also feels much harder this year for me to meet men I am really looking for than a couple of years ago. When it happens I am glad, if not, I have other things I can focus on.
“I’ve had a bunch of first dates only, hooked up with someone I knew from HS, had a 7 month FWB, and was seeing/dating a guy for 3 weeks that a friend of mine referred me to organically”
We’ve got wildly different ideas of what being unlovable and forever single look like.
I totally get you, we are on the same boat. I’m also trying to find my person in this world but it’s not easy and sometimes I feel like I’m too picky. If I find someone I like or would like to be involved with someone romantically they don’t want relationship or just want to have fwb or along the way they find someone else or just ghost.
Recently I started to see someone again, so far going good but from my previous experiences it’s hard to let my guards down now.