Hey everyone,
I’ve (28F) been dating my boyfriend (30M) for three years now. I attended his birthday dinner last night and was completely ignored by everyone in his family, like usual. I’ve always been kind, polite, and respectful but that means nothing to them. No one really talks to me when I’m around them. His Mom doesn’t make eye contact with me. I find myself always being excluded from family events (holidays, family dinners etc etc)
What really hurt me was when my bfs best friend brought his new gf they accepted her with open arms, inviting her over the house later that night. I silently died and broke down in the inside seeing them treat her much better than they’ve ever treated me. I’m not sure if this is due to a racial difference (Asian(M) + Hispanic (F) ) or it’s simply because they don’t approve of us.
My small family has always welcomed and accepted him with open arms, invited him to all of our dinners, and always wanted a great relationship with him. It just feels really one sided. I’ve told him this and he always says “it’s because you’re not around my family enough”. How could I want to be around people who make me feel like I’m worthless?
I love him but this is really starting to weigh down on me emotionally.
TLDR: Been with my boyfriend for three years, but his family constantly ignores me and excludes me. They welcomed his best friend’s new girlfriend like family while I’ve always been treated like I don’t exist. My boyfriend brushes it off, but I’m starting to feel really unwanted and unsure what to do.
17 comments
You have every right to feel like you do. It’s seems like your bf isn’t telling you the truth about his family. And I certainly wouldn’t hang around them either. Sounds like they judged you on the first day and don’t want to get to know you. Sorry!
Well, theyre clearly not going to change, and your bf clearly doesnt care. Do with that what you will.
I was going to ask if you’re good to your boyfriend, like if you’re very jealous or messy, or chronically unemployed, or you shout at him, because those things would totally warrant being ostracized.
But then you mentioned a racial difference and honestly this sounds unfortunately like a very plausible explanation. Which is really shitty.
I would have a sit down w your partner and just refuse to let him brush it off. Tell him what you’re experiencing and how it feels to you. You don’t need to call him into some kind of action, but you need to make it clear that this is a problem that will push you two apart or at least push you two away from the family if you continue being together long term. You shouldn’t be forced into contact with people that shun you.
At some point your boyfriend can’t possibly be this oblivious. He knows what’s up and he needs to stop shielding you from the truth so that you can make a decision based on good information whether you want to continue this relationship.
You mention racial difference, but what race are you/his family/the girl they accept?
If his parents are racist as you seem to imply, then there’s not much you can do about that. You can have a frank conversation with your bf and he can talk with them, but bringing it up directly and unprompted is unlikely to go down well. If you tell you boyfriend and he does nothing, then go for it
My immediate thought was “I wonder if she’s a different race…” then got to the bottom. Don’t waste your time.
“its because you’re not around my family enough” sounds very dismissive. 3 years is a long time. is this his normal response to other things in the relationship? you should try to seat down with him and talk about how your relationship with his family could be improved. maybe there’s a misunderstanding (or cultural disconnect). if he isn’t trying to help you, you should probably evaluate what you want from the relationship since it seems having your significant other’s family accept you is very important to you.
If he and his family are Asian and you are Hispanic, **and** if his parents are quite traditional, it could be racism on their side. Especially if they’ve always had a vision of him marrying another Asian woman.
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>No one really talks to me when I’m around them. His Mom doesn’t make eye contact with me. I find myself always being excluded from family events (holidays, family dinners etc etc)
This just sounds really rude and dismissive of his family, especially when contrasted with the way they behave towards the friend and the friend’s girlfriend.
Honestly, I think you should reconsider dating this guy. He’s not on your side, he’s not trying to find ways to make you feel more welcomed by his family. He says you’re not round them enough, but he isn’t easing that social interaction at all…
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. You should break up.
I was in a relationship for six years in which my partner’s family wasn’t quite this awful, but they were pretty rude. For example, I would ask how they were and they would just respond “fine” without asking me how I was. I would remember things they told me before and ask about them, but they never had one molecule of curiosity about me, their son’s live-in partner. I found that really strange.
They also loved to talk about how elite and special their family was all the time. This was especially true of my ex’s brother, who lived in a big metropolis and seemed to consider me an inferior person simply because I was from and still lived in Kentucky (where his entire family on both sides was from, mind you). Never mind that I had three degrees, went to undergrad at the state flagship school on almost a full scholarship, studied abroad, graduated in honors with honors, had a good job, and could speak intelligently about almost any topic (we were in our 20s so hadn’t had much time for professional achievements yet).
I just want to emphasize that I’ve always had many good friends, tend to be close with their families, and had never (and still have never) been treated this way by anyone else ever. It was literally just them.
I finally broke up with him. I didn’t realize until later how much his family’s treatment of me bothered me.
Seven years after the breakup, I ran into my ex’s mom, and she was super chatty and asked me all kinds of questions. She showed me some artwork she had been working on and introduced me to some of her friends. It was like she was a totally different person. So strange!!
I didn’t intend for this comment to get so long, but yeah, break up. Find someone with a family who’s not racist.
They treat you like crap and he does NOTHING to stop it.
Please reconsider this relationship and IF you want, find someone who expects his friends and family to treat you with respect.
Is your bfs family and his best friend and his girlfriend all Asian? Are they south asian?
When you are excluded from family events, what does your boyfriend do? Does he insist you be invited or does he go without you? Has he ever confronted them about their behavior towards you?
> I’ve told him this and he always says “it’s because you’re not around my family enough”
And did you point out that this is because they literally exclude you from things? How are you supposed to get to know them when they don’t invite you and don’t talk to you when you are there?
This is a boyfriend problem, not a family problem. If he’s not sticking up for you and insisting you be treated with kindness and inclusion, he doesn’t respect you. From there it doesn’t matter how his family acts because you shouldn’t date someone who doesn’t respect you.
Whatever reason they have for not making you feel welcome, especially your boyfriend not stepping up or putting you first, is already enough to show this isn’t a relationship worth keeping. If you want kids someday, think carefully about the kind of family you’d want them to grow up in. Is this really the environment you’d want to raise them in? One of the biggest and most important choices you’ll ever make is who you decide to build that family with.
Take this as a sign to move on. The more time you spend hoping things will change, the more years you lose that could’ve been spent with people who genuinely want you around. There will always be someone who cares enough to notice when you’re uncomfortable and actually do something about it, because your feelings matter to them.
Your boyfriend is being willfully ignorant about this. He *knows* they treat you poorly for reasons, gross reasons, and he doesn’t defended or back *you* up against his own family.
Girl I’m southeast Asian and my Asian ex boyfriends’ families would ignore me if they’re east asian and find out that I’m not. Many east Asian families are racist, simple as that. It’s not worth it imo espdcially it your bf isn’t advocating for you
Is the bestie’s GF Aisian?
Your boyfriend should admit what’s going on. No doubt they’ve told him for three years that they won’t accept you. But not only does he not stand up for you to his family, he gaslights you by telling you it’s because you’re not around them enough. Which you know is crap because of the instant welcome for bestie’s GF. He’s lying to you.
A man who won’t stand up for his girlfriend is not a man.
Also… isn’t it ironic that those who so often are the victims of racism so easily inflict it on others?
Yeah my boyfriend’s family did this and I just cut them off. Well, it was more like a few family members that refused to say “hi” to me first and always expected me to say it first, even though they never gave me eye contact to say hi in the first place. They aren’t worth my time. My bf was supportive and he only sees those family members once or twice a year now (without me, of course).
why are you dating a racist?