My past and only two exes both did not love me.
My first ex gf told me she was straight the whole time of our relationship.
My more recent ex bf told me that he hated being around me cause I always made him feel ‘guilty’ and that he just wanted something quick.
Both were 6 months long breaking up a week before our 7 months.
Am I still wanting to be with either? No. Am I still hurting because I don’t know why this pattern continues? Absolutely.
Both of them spent months in a ‘relationship’ with me seemingly ‘being in love with me’ when in reality, they wanted to be held and enter another ‘we use each other and then we cut it off easy’.
Only I genuinely loved and lost them.
Both of them wanted to be friends after and honestly it helped me get over them even faster by seeing how fast they discard me even as a friend.
I just wanted to be a person to them. And I thought maybe it’s my fault I had such low esteem and then attracted these types of people.
I stopped needing people anymore, I just focused on remembering people that chose me and that I chose back. I honed in on my friends and family, got a job, setting up my degrees and certifications, networked for friends as well as future employers, started bonding more with my brother with asking him for help working out-
I’m so focused. Im healing. I’m working on everything.
And today, Halloween, one of my mutuals just said “I have a crush on you” responding to my costume (I admittedly looked really good in it though I won’t show it on here for privacy reasons sorry).
Anyways- I know she’s just teasing and complimenting obviously. My heart just stopped.
Why was I so scared? She’s a gorgeous and funny woman that’s been back and forth complimenting me and was someone I met on a damn dating app days before I started talking to my now ex (the main reason me and her didn’t work out was location difference though that doesn’t matter to me anyways).
I just felt so terrified or is my heart racing because I’m happy? Old me would be bouncing off walls and flirting even more with this girl- but now? I feel like I’m only going to mess this up.
I feel like I don’t trust myself with love anymore, I doubt more than love.
And that’s why I don’t date right now because people don’t deserve hesitated and still shattered love.
I don’t want to hurt people, I’m already tired of being hurt myself.
But that thought process isn’t going to end until I try to love again but I hesitate to love so I refuse to love until I’m ready but I’ll never be ready if my mindset can only change if I give it a chance with someone in order to change.
And it’s a cycle.
I feel embarrassed and so lost, I just feel terrible for those who like me and myself.
I just want people to respect my love and stop using it as bookmarks in their story.