My wife and I adopted all four of our children from here in the states through a private group. Bethany Christian Services. We picked up our youngest daughter (Lily, 20F) at 2 days old. We never met Lily’s birth mother; she was 16 when she had her and left the hospital unannounced to avoid meeting my wife and me. She didn’t communicate with us before or after the birth, she didn’t so much as hold or touch Lily (I get this one; she chose to place her for adoption), and we knew almost nothing about her life back then except for a few, very surface level things.
We didn’t hear anything from this woman until I got a message from her a few months ago. It was a closed adoption, so I didn’t expect to ever hear from her, but we did reach out due to some extreme health concerns that Lily suffered from and heard nothing. In the initial message, the birth mother asked me a lot about Lily. She asked me for photos, she asked me for details about her life, and she asked me to just talk about her, and foolishly, I did. In fact, I responded with enthusiasm and with no regard for my daughter or her feelings. Lily has always made it clear that the mother she has now is her mother and didn’t want contact with her birth family at all when she turned 18, but when I looked at the birth mother and saw that she’d completed med school, was successful and stable, and seemed happy, I thought it’d be just fine to let her know about her only child.
We exchanged many messages over the course of 18 months, and she was always the one pushing for more and more information. She’d always respond immediately when I messaged, she led the conversation and had an endless stream of questions, she wanted all the photos I had, and I realized after a while that I was the frog in the pot and the water had started to boil around me. I finally said, “Sorry, I don’t think I’m comfortable answering that,” when she began asking me about any boyfriends Lily might have had, and she replied with, “But you would know, right?” I then let the conversation dwindle as slowly as I could, but when she continued to send me 10-20 messages daily, I let my wife know what I’d done.
My wife didn’t immediately want to cause Lily any anxiety, but we’ve been watching this woman, and she’s been getting closer and closer. Lily is away for school in a different state, and all this time we’ve been watching the woman get closer and closer. First it was a work conference in the same state, then it was a vacation, then it was a talk for a group at her school, then it was changing her hair and her clothes, doing herself up to look more like her. My wife was of the opinion that no harm could be done to Lily because this woman had no real information but her name, but for me, it’s the concept of someone getting closer and closer to a stranger and never introducing themself but changing themself into the image of their desire. It didn’t feel right, and it still doesn’t.
Lily has a public Instagram account, and this woman has been commenting on every post and story. Nothing nefarious, but just…weird stuff. Immature stuff. Lily would post a photo of herself in a bikini, and the woman would leave comments like “skinny mini” and “ooh la la” (similar to Lily’s friends), and Lily would interact with her. I asked Lily, and she said that the woman was a friend she’d made on Instagram who asked her for makeup and fashion advice and was “exciting and cool to talk to.” I at first thought that it was racial bias, but the more I think about it, the stranger I think this woman is. I don’t think she means harm, but I do think she’s unwell. I’m unsure of how to tell my daughter because she’s come to view her as an online friend, and I want Lily to be protected.
TL;DR I thought it would be okay to interact with my daughter’s birth mother, she seems to be unwell (albeit successful) and has been slowly positioning herself closer to my daughter. How do I tell my daughter that I went against her wishes and I think she needs to block this woman from her life?
16 comments
Is this an ad for a religious based adoption company??
You’re just going to have to come clean and tell her. What happens next is up to Lily.
Phew. If this is real, it’s pretty far above reddits pay grade. I’d consider family therapy, letting the therapist know this in detail, and revealing it in an environment with a professional available to assist in the immediate fallout.
I would love it if my mother had the balls to admit to me when she’d made mistakes that impacted me. I think it’s brave, and in the end she will appreciate you being upfront with her and giving a genuine “I was won’t, I made a mistake” she will have a valuable opportunity to learn from you. Maybe one day she will be a mother and she will make a mistake that puts her child in some kind of a comprised position (we’re all human) and she will draw from this experience.
Think of it over a longer timeline than just her immediate reaction. She’s your daughter, she’ll be around for life. Feelings change over time. The goal in life is not to make no mistakes.. we all make mistakes.. but I think you have such a great opportunity here to make an example with your behaviour. Teach her through your actions what you think is important here about how humans should conduct themselves in relationships
Oh man be careful. There’s a couple (who were on a tv show bc of said adoption) who adopted out first child through this same service and they and their fans stalked the girls whole life recently. It became a big thing. Tracking down her friends and her school etc. She’s still a minor.
In watching these stories from afar it seems too often birth parents once met w info become engrossed in it and then sort of become addicted. With very little care for how it will affect the child.
I think you meant well but in the end it is up to your daughter if she wants her bio mom informed or not.
I really think you need to tell Lily about this. She will be upset, yes, because you betrayed her trust and shared her personal information without her consent. However, assuming that you have a positive and loving relationship, she will forgive you in time.
Currently, although I don’t want to fear monger, Lily could be at risk. Best case scenario, her birth mom just continues to comment on her Instagram posts, and Lily can decide whether she wants to allow it, confront her, or block her. Worst case scenario, this could end up becoming a stalker situation. Regardless, Lily deserves to know. She deserves to make her own choices.
I think that deep down, you know it’s the right thing to do, too.
Your only loyalty should be to your daughter. Every day you don’t tell her, is just 1 more reason for her not to trust you again.
Bloody hell man what on earth were you thinking? I don’t understand why everyone seems to always think and always wants to create some special space and grace for birth parents. By your actions you’ve put your daughter and entire family at risk. This woman has inveigled her way into your daughter’s orbit through near physical proximity and social media interactions. I doubt she’s a doctor. She sounds incredibly mentally unwell. Your wife, Lily and all the other kids need to know about this threat because that’s what she is – a threat. I hope Lily will forgive you for this – it wasn’t malicious but it was stupid and not a decision you were qualified to or entitled to make on your own.
Tell your daughter. Literally every child wishes they had parents who actually admitted their mistakes and apologized.
If she follows her on Instagram, it would not be that hard for a motivated person to use a post or story to find an actual location to meet her. If this woman does that and you haven’t said anything, your daughters trust in you will be completely destroyed.
You never know, but I personally wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that the woman is dangerous from anything you’ve said. She probably has a lot of feelings about the adoption since she is so successful and stable now. She chose “closed adoption” when she was literally a child with no sense of the future. It would be reasonable for her to feel a different way now in her 30s.
You have to tell your daughter immediately.
I think that there’s enough detail in this post that someone, including your daughter, could figure out who’s posting it. You should edit it and change it so it won’t be archived and delete it.
You should speak with a professional to help you navigate this. Even if you don’t think your daughter would consent to therapy, that doesn’t mean you can’t go, yourself.
My parents hid my birth mother’s identity from me for thirty five years. It’s one of the most painful things they ever did. So you have to tell your daughter, with absolute urgency.
My birth mother is generally a sane and normal person, but after a little while our relationship got REALLY WEIRD on her end. It is not a situation that most people are trained to deal with and there’s no widely accepted best practice as to how to best go about it. This woman is feeling primal emotions she was probably not prepared to encounter until you contacted her.
The birth mother going a little nutty, from my experience and the experience of a couple adopted friends of mine, I don’t think is unusual at all. It’s like a weird reverse grief – a sudden and rare opportunity to undo or redo a choice she made in her life, which we basically never get to do. But of course she can’t really undo it, you are your daughter’s parents, you raised her, you love her. Yet your daughter did grow inside this woman’s body and there are effects from that that I don’t think we really understand.
This is all to say – she could be totally nuts, or just a normal person trying to speed run connection. Boundaries need to be drawn immediately as birth mom is currently crossing all of them. My point is I guess – this is kind of how this usually goes.
It took a long time but my birth mother and I have a stable relationship and I think it’s greatly benefited both of us, without detracting from my relationship with my parents. But it was not easy. Your only move is to come clean to your daughter 100%.
Totally agree! Its important to share experiences, even if they’re not all positive. Helps others make informed choices…
Do you own a home? If so, unless you own it through a corporation, it’s probably pretty easy to find your home address. You should try to scrub as much of the family’s personal data from the internet as you can.
Addicted? Stalker? Unwell? Jesus. The woman gave birth to her and gave her up as a child herself and probably grew up regretting or thinking about her own child. She may not have rights, but her curiosity and excitement is not weird, it is natural. Now, dad and mom need to go to a therapist that specializes in adoption and discuss this with a professional who knows about young people, the adoption process, and how that impacts humans and their relationships with their buological and adoptive parents. The fact that this was a closed adoption and she contacted you and then you tried to deal with her without affecting Lily, who said she never wanted to meet her, is out of the control of current parents and it’s totally the agency’s fault. Dad could easily say the truth, which is she reached out she found them and he tried to entertain for a little bit, thinking it would fade away and was trying to honor Lily’s wishes, but it hasn’t and it’s gotten stronger and Lily is an adult and he’s gonna let her choose. Honestly, I think a lawsuit could be on the table and this is the agency’s fault honestly and if Lily feels that it’s disruptive enough.
Buddy, you daughter has a stalker – tell her.
The rest, birth mother, your assurance – that’s just details. This is a safety issue. Speak up.