We started talking about timelines and future planning way too soon in in my eyes in our relationship (after 6mo). I know a lot of friends start early with family planning once they’ve met their man, so anything is normal. But for me, this was too soon for us. We were serious but we hadn’t talk about the core basics Yet. We already had a light convo about it a few times earlier, and we felt like we were on the same page. But suddenly, last month, we had to make some career choices and we also had to decide if we agreed about the future .. and it turned out he wanted to wait way longer than me. I’m not in a rush, I want us to focus on us first. But he want to feel free for a few more years than me. After a couple of long talks, we ended it, and it feels devastating. Not because of the timeline but because I’m losing the one man I’ve been hoping to meet and I’m not sure if I can replace this. He is truly amazing and we really have a good relationship. During the talk he started defending himself for why he deserves more years, I’ve never ever put any pressure on us. He is putting the pressure on us, because he doesn’t want to mislead me. I would happily try to get back together and wait longer to have children.
But how can this be fixed? I mean I think it is healthy to just be together and date and grow together. But once we have had this conversation and we know that we have different timelines, will a relationship ever be the same if we get back together? I hope this makes sense.
Edit: I can see now that I was a bit unclear. We did have these conversations but he changed the timelines as we grew closer. This scared me a bit.
Thanks for all your support and comments, it is really helping to get the grip on what to do next and how to accept my feelings about this
15 comments
It doesn’t sound like there’s anything to fix. Nothing is broken. You just both have different ideas of what you future looks like and that’s that. Sometimes relationships end not because you’re wrong for each other, but because you just aren’t the right people for each other.
Cherish the good times you had, mourn the loss of your relationship however you see fit and then move on. Hope the next person you meet is more compatible. Maybe don’t wait 6 months to talk about your plans for the future. You’re not 20 anymore.
I usually have this talk after 2 months. I’m almost 40. No use wasting your time if you have different future idea’s.
I include living together, travelling, kids… if you are not on the same wavelength then it is not healthy to just say “maybe he/she will change her mind” because then you’re lying to yourself and to the relationship.
As of timelines. This is a bit tricky. Some people are ready instantly, some people want to wait. I gather I want to at least live together for a few years before starting or thinking aboutt children? But maybe that’s just me
*I would happily try to get back together and wait longer to have children.*
You broke up because you wanted different things. I’m not sure what you are afraid of if you changed your mind.
The conversation didn’t ruin things – you guys had incompatible life plans. Waiting six months to talk about timelines actually seems slow to me at this age. That’s often a 1-2 month conversation and it’s come up (very briefly) as a first or second date chat before, just to verify if we both want kids or not and if we’re on an asap or a decade from now kind of timeline.
Why do you feel like you need to give up on what you want in order to be back together with this man? It doesn’t sound like he was willing to compromise so why should you?
This isn’t really something that can be fixed. Sure you could end up compromising, but then the both of you are leaving yourselves open to building resentment towards each other, which isn’t great.
I’m not sure you took the correct lesson from this experience. You broke up after having the hard conversation about timelines and future plans, but still say it was too soon after six months. Most people have this conversation early because they don’t want to attach for 6+ months and then have this happen. Perhaps this is the universe showing you that you need to align with people in the dating stages, and seek those who are similar minded. I doubt there will be a way to “fix” this because it’s a fundamental incompatibility — changing your views on it after the break up will 1) be self abandonment and 2) seem manipulative to him.
6 months is not too soon to have that conversation. It may be too *late*, if you’re in your 30s and still want children.
Speaking of in your 30s
>he want to feel free for a few more years than me
Feel free? Totally legit for someone to express that sentiment in their 20s, but in your 30s?
I agree with what others have said, it’s just basic incompatibility. Hard to face when you thought you found your person, and then find out you were mistaken. It hurts a lot. But now you are free to find the one who is genuinely right for you.
Sounds like desparation
ugh i feel this so hard. it’s so devastating when you’re compatible in every way except the timing. honestly tho, it sounds like he was being honest to protect you both, even if it hurts like hell right now
There’s nothing to fix. He and you are incompatible. If you want things different in life and you can’t agree on it, you are simply not compatible.
I had this talk with someone I’m seeing very early on, no reason to waste each others time.
I’m 35F and I want children. I don’t have years and years to wait for someone to want to have children too. I assume you are in the same category, seems like you did the right thing.
If you got back together the issue is still there.
Please look up the 5 stages of grief. During a breakup, you oscillate between all the stages many times until you heal. The stages: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Right now, you are bargaining.
You broke up for a very good and valid reason. You are incompatible. It hurt because you got attached before discussion what you wanted.
You are beautiful and wonderful and you will find someone who wants the same things as you.
You should have talked about these things on the first date, and you wouldn’t have wasted your time and gotten hurt.
How old are you?
Now you know to have this conversation early with the next person.
You shouldn’t be afraid to talk about things that matter. It’s not pressure, it’s just valuing yourself. Do you really want to fix this and continue the relationship with someone who doesn’t align with what you want? Or if you’re flexible on your wants, make sure it’s because this is what you want, and not just fear to lose a man (who wasn’t afraid of the same, may I add). You broke up over this, and now you say, you are happy to push your timelines, to who knows where and if that guy will even be there after that (also, read on reproductive health, it declines in men with age, so waiting may not even be the best option for you)
There are other men out there that have a timeline similar to your ideal timeline. Believe that and move on from thinking this is the only guy in the world.