I been dating this woman a few months and it's went well. It's long distance but I've met her family. I found out though she still talks to her ex and she said it's just to encourage him because he has been going through something. Am I overreacting? She said they have been texting 2 months but she has no interest in going back to him


35 comments

  1. Honestly that would make me pretty uncomfortable too. Like I get wanting to help someone but staying close with a recent ex while starting something new just feels messy. The “encouraging him through something” thing could be genuine but it also sounds like she might still feel responsible for his emotional wellbeing which is kinda weird for an ex situation

    I’d probably have a conversation about boundaries because 2 months of texting an ex from 6 months ago while dating you is… a lot

  3. Used to bother me, as I got older I realize it’s not a big deal. I still have supportive friendships with some exes, my girl does too. It’s not a big deal if you’re mature and transparent about it all

  4. Green flag on her, red flag on you. Not all relationship must end so horribly that the 2 people refuse to ever talk to each other again. Sometimes people date and figure out they don’t match well as couple but can still be good friends. Your question, however, says a lot about your self confidence. My guess is you’ll self destruct your relationship with her eventually.

  5. It’s a green flag. Not everyone has to break up and hate their exes. Honestly, I consider someone at my age having only massively crushing breakups full of hate to be a huge red flag.

  6. I am still close friends with two of my exes. My wife is also close friends with them. And we are friends with their spouses. One of my wife’s close friends is an ex of hers. His wife was a bridesmaid at our wedding.

    Someone who can look at a past relationship in a positive light is someone who is making the effort to have positive relationships.

  8. I am friends with 60% of my ex GFs, and I am not “going through something”. I think its completely normal. 

    What’s bothering you is either:
    1. Your own insecurity
    2. She hasn’t demonstrated how she truly loves you.

  9. I don’t know what’s right for you, but in that situation, I would probably encourage my girlfriend to have friendships with anybody she wants even exes; it usually works best to talk in “I statements”, so I might say something like *I am really into you and I’d like us to keep building trust and getting even closer, but I keep wondering if you’re still emotionally involved with him? Do you text all the time about all kinds of things, or are you just temporarily helping him with this crisis?*

    And when she says she’s just helping him through a hard time, *seems like he is still leaning on you like a partner, when he really needs to talk to a therapist. I would be very happy if you set some boundaries on that friendship because you’re not partners anymore and he shouldn’t emotionally lean on you as if you are. I think that would be really good for you and me if you could do that please.”

    On the other hand, I’m still friends with some of my exes. I can go for months without thinking of them or communicating with them but every once in a while, it’s fun to catch up.

  10. So you have been dating this girl for a few months, and she broke up with a guy 6 months ago. So a 4 month period of her being single.
    It’s been 2 months since she talked. So are you saying when they broke up, they were still talking?
    I understand exes can be cordial. It makes sense for you to be concerned but you should ask her more about the relationship and try to notice how she talks about him. It will give you a clue on whether or not she’s into him

  12. It Depends™️

    If they’re close in a way that signals the ex a bigger priority, red flag. If they come up a lot in convo, red flag.

  13. Yup. Avoid people like this in general. But that’s what worked for me. They got together and broke up for a reason. Does it concern you? If it affects your relationship, 100% it does. Does she still have some behaviors from the previous relationship that might cause you issues? Perhaps, but if you have clear boundaries and good communication, I think you have a chance. Kinda risky in my view but it’s your life.

  15. Nah you’re not overreacting. That’s a boundary thing. If she’s still emotionally supporting her ex, she’s not done with that chapter yet

  16. No one should be contacting or talking to an ex unless they have a kid. That is a non negotiable for me. I don’t know why so many people hang on to exes like this.

  18. It really depends. It can be healthy if they break up but remain civil & aren’t badmouthing each other to everyone. On the other hand, I have seen it happen at least two out of two times, where a woman I was friends with got back with their ex in similar circumstances, despite there having been someone new in the picture that they were entertaining. And interestingly, one of them spoke with fondness about their ex whenever they would mention him yet barely saw him nor spoke to him, whilst the other often spoke about their ex with annoyance yet often still had him around at their gatherings, but perhaps both of those show that they still cared deeply about their exes. So you’ve got to be careful that you aren’t the rebound to pass time, which they might not even realise they are using you as in the moment, but it’s up to you to decide whether it’s worth that risk, because it isn’t one-size-fits-all & some women are different.

  19. I used to have a partner that stayed in contact with a recent ex after we got together. For me I think there’s perfectly justifiable reasons, but execution can sometimes turn it into a red flag.

    In my case, they had been close friends prior and in the same social circle, so she wanted to stay in touch – I thought that was perfectly reasonable. However, as it developed we had to operate undercover as she didnt want him finding out ‘too soon’. It reached a point where he actually suspected we were together and asked outright, and she denied it. That led to me laying down the law as I couldnt carry on like that – either you’re up front, or this cant continue. Massive red flag when I look back as it showed how easily she could bare-faced lie, but I was younger and yet to learn my lesson.

    Point is OP, her reasons could be valid and its not necessarily an issue so long as she is open, honest and transparent with both you AND her ex.

  20. Hmm.. Depends OP. Some people can be good friends with exes although I find it hard to believe because I hold a different view. Im the type who can’t remain friends with an ex simply because I chose not to. But hey, everyone is different. Let’s say for example that she’s the type of person who can. It’s pretty clear that you’re uncomfortable with that hence, you wouldn’t ask here if you’re okay with it. I say, tell her how you’re feeling about it and try to be calm because we don’t want to ruin what might be a good thing. Let’s see her reasoning and let’s go from that. Im just giving it the benefit of the doubt but if you were going to ask me personally, I don’t like it as well. If Im being honest, it’s a deal breaker but that’s just for me. 6 months ago is not so long ago. They remain in contact for 2 months and you’ve been seeing each other for a few months. Im no good in math but it appears that the pacing is kinda fast. It’s also important to know how long they’ve been together and how often they talk. The context of the conversation and all.

  21. It depends on the woman honestly and the scenario and what the dating entailed

    But honestly if she said she has no interest it might be best to take her word unless she hasn’t proven herself trustworthy which may be another issue….

  23. Not a red flag. Not unless she’s flirting with him. It’s perfectly healthy to still be friends with some of your exes.

  24. If you worry about these types of situations, then she isn’t the one for you. Who wants to be anxious over such matters? Under no circumstances should you waste time and energy trying to police the relationships of other adults–find someone who aligns with your world view on talking with exes and give her the freedom to do the same. Otherwise, this will eat away at you, her, and the relationship.

  25. I don’t date people that are friends with their exes, unless they have kids together because I would hope they would get along. Otherwise there’s nothing holding them there but emotions.

  26. It’s one thing to be on good terms with an ex, but it’s another thing to be consistently talking to them while dating someone else, especially when you’re long distance. Does the ex live in the same area as the woman you’re dating? Even if the woman is actually finished with the ex and being truthful about that, she might still be giving the ex the wrong idea like not on purpose. Unless they are a longtime childhood friend or close family friend that will continue to be in their life regardless if they are dating or not, I would not feel like it’s appropriate to talk to an ex about something I was going through and I would not feel comfortable for my ex to talk to me about something they were going through personally.

  27. It might bother you. It might be that they are fooling around. It might be harmless. Not necessarily a red flag. Being on good conditions with an ex can certainly be a green flag also. Not everyone hates their ex. Sometimes people aren’t right for each other but it doesn’t mean they can’t be friends. If it bothers you, then you should talk to her about it. And reflect on why it bothers you.

  28. I would not accept it. Why? Because I close those chapters . I don’t bring my past to my future because I’m aware that it can be a problem for my future partner.. if I had a child it would be a different story.. My question is would she trust you if you had an ex as friend .. Would that trigger her!!!

  30. Not saying this is true for everyone, but I dated a girl that was still friends with her ex. She told me I had nothing to worry about despite them still talking and hanging out(going to hockey games and such). I gave her an out and asked her if she had feelings for him before we started dating. She said, “Why would I have feelings for someone that has hurt me so much?” I trusted her.

    She then proceeded to cheat on me with him and broke up with me.

    Based on my personal life experience, it’s a red flag. Can’t speak for anyone else though.

  31. That would be a hard NO for me personally. My take is you shouldn’t break up with an ex-someone who you want in your life “as a friend”. You should work out whatever made the relationship difficult and not break up.

    But that’s just me. I stayed friends with one ex-bf in my entire long life.

  32. It’s not a problem at all. She can talk to him all she wants. You just leave her to do what she wants and get on with your life.

  33. It’s a bad idea.. Learned the hard way! been friends w/my 1st husband for 35 yrs .. we have a daughter, never wanted her to have that broken family feeling so he was invited to everything. I remarried 8 yrs later new hubby felt it was good to have dad involved. Only ex was sabotaging my marriage.. I didn’t realize it. I divorced 14yrs later. I then met someone else whom I love/loved 16yrs.. Ex would come over invited by BF to stay for dinner 2 times a week, lost his mom who he lived/cared for..they’d sit/ bullshit .. I’d serve dinner clean etc. EX DECIDES to start drinking to point of need rehab .. which I had him admitted too.. but by helping I played right into his sabotaging bs .
    Bf frustrated with his bullshit that he lashes out extreme anger toward me..I left.
    Ex thinks he won! He admitted everything! I’m pissed at myself for not seeing it. I’ll NEVER ever go back to him .. I lost another over BS .. thinking I was doing the right thing only it was his game to get me out of relationship.
    Exes are exes for a reason.
    Stay clear if you value what you have.

  34. I agree that good relations with exes is generally a green flag,  as long as it’s not too much. Texting is one thing hanging out with the person would be the red flag.

  35. I’m sure they are JUST FRIENDS now and you have absolutely nothing to worry about. Nobody ever goes back to an ex. Right?

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