My (23F) close friend Beth (23F) just bought a $300k home with her boyfriend Jake (22M). They have been on and off again since February, with multiple month gaps between each of their 3 relationships. Jake seems to have a pattern of freaking out about Beth “holding him back” from success and being too attached to him, and then breaking up with her. Based on the past two times they got back together, Jake will leave for 1-2 months, and then come begging to get back together and saying he’s changed.
Their current relationship started about a month ago when Jake wanted to be “friends” again (we all know how that goes lol). I found out that they have been dating again for approximately 2-3 weeks. Beth told me last week that they were looking for places together. I had no idea what to say, so I just said “oh!” Today, she told me that they co-signed a mortgage on a home, agreeing on a 30 year loan with a fixed rate.
Honestly, I am shocked that they were able to get approved for a loan, as Jake gets a new job every 3-4 months and Beth makes significantly less than what would usually qualify for purchasing a $300k home. Apparently his parents know a realtor and were able to pull some strings.
I am just honestly appalled. I am extremely worried for her and it’s honestly so out of character for her to do something like this.
I don’t know what to do to help her realize this is insane. I’ve asked questions today about the logistics and she thinks that his parents will help out if something goes south with their relationship. They also (of course) did not meet with a lawyer or financial advisor prior to signing. She just kept saying “I know you think I’m crazy” and seemed to be getting irritated the more questions I asked.
I’m just so frustrated with her. I hate seeing people I love making poor decisions and I’m dreading seeing how this affects her in a few years. As I’m planning for my wedding, I’m also dreading having to invite this guy if they’re still together.
Is there a gentle way to talk to her about this and help her see how awful of a decision she’s making? It feels like I’m walking on eggshells around the topic and I’m visiting her in a few weeks.
I’m all around just shocked and confused about why she would jump into something so binding so quickly. If I should keep quiet, does anyone have any advice on how to deal with my own frustration and not let it seep into our friendship as resentment?
TLDR; friend co-signed on a mortgage with her on/off again toxic boyfriend. Should I sit her down and explain why I think it’s a horrible idea, or should I keep quiet and be supportive?
*edited to remove irrelevant information about my own feelings
27 comments
Nothing you can do if she already signed. But it’s really their business, not yours.
You don’t navigate anything, it’s her problem.
Not your monkeys girl. Just mind your business.
If the house purchase is done and over with, I don’t think telling her what a horrible idea it was will go over well, nor will it accomplish anything. I might’ve said something before it was done, but I’d bite my tongue on it at this point.
Also, there is a strong possibility that when her relationship goes up in flames, she will come to you asking to stay with you. Be ready for how you will handle this request.
What would sitting her down and telling her it’s a horrible idea do? She’s already made this decision, you should just be a good friend and support her.
I don’t know why you are frustrated and resentful? People you care about aren’t always going to make the choices you would make but there is nothing you can do about it. Maybe things will work out well, you don’t know.
Stay in your lane. Not your business
Honestly, it’s not your business. I would just mention/ask what would happen if he needs space again how she can afford to live if he dips but you can lead a horse to water but you can’t force it to drink
So you’re upset that she bought a house and you won’t get to talk about your engagement because of it?
I’m confused as to how this is your circus, or your monkey. Girl has impulse control issues.
Mind your business..people are entitled to their mistakes..
coming from a place of lived experience, you have to just let it be thru gritted teeth or cut her off if the friendship is too stressful. I said too much to a friend who was low-key ruining her life, it all came from a place of love and care. all it did was basically make her never tell me the truth again and our friendship was never the same :/
Oh girl you run awaaayyyyy. At best you smile **mhmm** over margaritas once a year. 😬
Do not offer financial assistance when he leaves again, and he most certainly will at some point. She’s bitten off more than is reasonable, but you cant be her solution. It might be time to start distancing yourself from this friendship. And I would not have her as your MOH. when he bails out, she’ll not be able to be your supporter during wedding planning.
Stay the hell out of it. It will end badly and you don’t need any of it splashed on you.
This is her mistake to realize. Just be a good friend when they inevitably break up and fight over the house.
> I hate seeing people I love making poor decisions and I’m dreading seeing how this affects her in a few years.
>Is there a gentle way to talk to her about this and help her see how awful of a decision she’s making.
Similar to giving friends in abusive relationships feedback, you voice your concerns and leave it at that. It’s really her/their choice to make, and has nothing to do with you regardless of how much of a hole they’re digging for themselves.
Constantly pushing your point of view is only going to push her away.
Mind ya bidness.
If she was asking your opinion about getting a mortgage, you could say all this. But she didn’t and it’s a done deal and it’s not like sitting her down and telling her why it’s a bad idea is going to change anything at this point. The paperwork is signed and it’s a done deal. It not your problem yo navigate.
Get ready to smile, nod, and change the subject a lot
u dont have to navigate anything. both of them are adults. be there if/when she needs you thats all u can do
What are you really looking for from this post? You know that you can’t change the behavior of somebody else, and you also know that it’s kind of too late now anyway.
You also know that it’s not being a good friend to be supportive of any decision no matter what. That doesn’t mean you have to criticize her, but you don’t have to congratulate her or anything about the new home.
Basically, decide if you want to continue being her friend. If no, then just cut contact. If yes, then be polite and talk about whatever the two of you talk about other than her boyfriend.
Classic abuser trap. Hot and cold, get her committed in a way that makes it impossible for her to cut all ties immediately (baby or finances) and then continue the abuse cycle with a trapped victim.
My advice is to keep reaching out and maintain your friendship as much as you can. This is going to get a lot worse for her. She won’t listen to you or accept help until she’s ready, so don’t push it now.
Speaking from experience, stay out of it. Your friend is in a state of delulu and she just needs to go through this journey and hopefully come out wiser. If she vents to you, be careful of giving direct advice or telling her what to do. You have to be neutral enough that she feels comfortable speaking to you without judgment.
Your friend is an adult, you can want more for her than she does for herself, but in my experience, you can’t change her. Your choice is, continue with the same level of investment in a friend who you think lacks good judgment, or back off enough where you can let things play out. You can decide later if you want to help her deal with the fallout when dude flakes. I suspect his parents are poised to take the house, leaving her with nothing, because she won’t have any money left to fight them. However it plays out is her lesson to learn, what can you stomach?
Realtors don’t approve mortgages; bankers do.
Does it matter that she somehow knows just how awful of a decision she’s made? It’s too late to do anything about it. She made a choice, let her learn from her mistakes.
It’s obvious what this guys doing he’s a manipulator and def trying to leave so he could get w girls then come back. Anyways her business don’t give her money when he leaves again. She’s an idiot.
I don’t think there’s anything for you to navigate, it doesn’t involve you. Definitely don’t even try to get involved with this trainwreck. She will learn the hard way and she’s young enough to probably have time to bounce back financially. It is what it is at this point.