This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
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I had a really good phone chat with the guy I’ve been messaging over the past week. I was super nervous because he’s the first person I’ve gone that far with on OLD since I met my ex-husband in the early 2010s. We chatted for an hour, aligned on a lot, conversation was really good, and we work down the street from one another. Ok, but what’s next? He hasn’t messaged back yet, and I sort of want to wait and see if he does before I reach out. I’m so used to doing the pursuing.
Lily Allen’s new album is all about her breakup with David Harbour, and as someone who lives for good pop music and messy celebrities, I am thoroughly enjoying it 😂
So a guy I’ve gone on a couple of dates with- we text all the time and have a lot in common. We have a ton of fun together. However, he has been honest with me that he got out a very long relationship two years ago and I still reeling from it. He point blank told me he doesn’t know what he is doing and I believe him. I’m actually his first real date since he broke up with his ex. I figure he might be a good in-between person before I meet someone more ready for commitment. Is that a terrible idea? Or am I setting myself up to be unhappy because I won’t be open to a guy more interested in a LTR.
I’m working on improving my self-esteem and also not being so anxiously attached and I don’t know if this would be a fun distraction or a recipe for disaster.
It’s going incredibly well with the guy I’m seeing — we’ve been talking for almost a year, dating 5 months. My last relationship was 12 years, and I’ve been being so careful not to just dive into this one.
Here’s the thing: I find myself holding back because I haven’t seen him get angry about anything. I guess I have seen him get hurt by accident, frustrated at stuff, etc….which he has handled really well. But I think I am waiting for him to blow up, because that’s how my exes have been. Like at a certain point, they would tire of me and start yelling at me over inconveniences, so I expect him to do the same. I didn’t find this guy “in the wild”–he was introduced through family friends because he and I have so much in common. It’s been great, and he isn’t really like other guys I’ve dated before.
Any advice for enjoying the moment, staying present, and not waiting for other, imaginary shoes to drop?
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Feeling lost and contemplating a breakup with guy I’ve been seeing for about 2 months, no defined relationship yet though we are heading there.
He’s interested and invested, genuinely a great person, and treats me well. But I believe we have mismatched communication styles and emotional needs. Those were also the issues that caused his last breakup. I brought them up a week ago and he was a bit defensive about it. I brought it up again last time I saw him more seriously and he said he would like to work on them and get better at them, even if they don’t come naturally to him and he’s had some self-esteem issues about giving and receiving words of affirmation. He then adjusted it in real time immediately but I don’t know, it felt a bit forced to me and it made me sad. I think he was sincere in wanting to try and make this work though. But I’ve had experiences where we would work on incompatibilities early on and then it still wouldn’t work and both ended up more invested and more hurt. Yet it also feels wrong not to give it a full chance. I’m leaning towards ending things as that’s what my gut says, but I also don’t want to sabotage a good thing unless I’m completely sure…
Is couples therapy in early relationship good (I am thinking preventative) ? Let’s say you’ve met the one you want to be with, you are both happy, but you have different perspectives on timelines based on e.g finances and other things and would benefit from external inputs to have reflected conversations together
Cancelled my solo trip to New York this weekend because it would be very costly and I don’t feel like giving travel money to the states currently. Was kind of bummed about it but my boyfriend immediately leapt on spending more time with me so I’ll take my silver linings!
Two weeks ago I made an update about [planning one last run at the apps for 2025 before throwing in the towel and taking a break until spring 2026.](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/s/aPPClEgCZV) I gave myself a month deadline to either find results or pack it in. Since then, I’ve been actively swiping with intent and have been getting a match or two here and there. It’s been mostly the usual though: conversations that go no where, one word responses, ghosting, exchange of numbers and then ghosting, exchange of numbers, making plans and then ghosting day of haha etc. Finally however, I started talking with someone who matched my energy over hinge. We had lots in common and the conversation flowed easily. We swapped numbers, made first date plans and did little check ins here and there until the day of our first date yesterday.
For me, the date was awesome. Her personality was better in person and so was my attraction towards her. We both lost track of time and even added more on to the date than was originally planned by going antique shopping in the area after coffee. Finally she needed to depart, so we said our goodbyes and made loose plans to meet again.
…And then later on I got that text lol. It was bit of a long one, but the important part was as follows:
“that was one of the best dates I’ve ever had. But I do need to say unfortunately I don’t know if I felt the type of connection I was looking for. And it sucks because I DO feel a connection with you, so I’m very confused. If you’re comfortable with it (and fully understand if you’re not) I’d love to stay connected as friends because I genuinely had a really great time and you’re so lovely.”
I have to admit, at the time it was a bit of a let down. I know some people need to feel that spark right off the hop, me personally I have a 3-4 date rule. If the first one is just okay or there’s no glaring red flags, I give it another couple. The first date is really just a vibe check anyways for me. If by the 3rd-4th date there’s still nothing, then I politely move on. So it sucked she wasn’t willing to give it that, but can’t fault people’s preferences. As I was crafting my response back, I got hit with a follow up text from her that read:
“I would still like to see that movie we talked about after my exams are done, if you’d be down and that’s not super confusing??”
It’s tough. I’d like too, but I’m dating with intent and not looking for friendship at this time. But maybe a second time hanging out would produce a “spark” or better connection? Anyways, I put the ball in her court and let her know to contact me after her exams if she found some free time to which she replied she would. Whether that actually happens or not…we’ll see. Until then, back to swiping I go.
She met my parents yesterday. I’m so grateful/happy/relieved to have hard launched to my family. My parents are great people who really put in the effort to make her feel comfortable. I can’t wait to bring her back over for Christmas.
Well, if there’s one thing yesteday solidified for me, is that hangovers hit different in your late 30s. And a reminder of why I don’t drink much anymore.
In the words of Danny Glover “I’m too old for this shit”
What if he says he was falling then says he’s afraid his feelings won’t get stronger. I know he was hurt in the past. He is also afraid of being one of those couples who disappear from their social circles. We have had arguments about his distance. Where he started to end it but after calming down he agreed to keep going. He doesn’t want to sacrifice his independence but he doesn’t want to be alone forever either. We live together and right now it feels like we are living parallel lives but not interacting much. I know he doesn’t want his life to revolve around our relationship so I’ve been keeping my distance because idk what’s safe.
A few weeks ago after a big drunken argument, this person I’ve had a complex relationship for the last two years completely cut me off. He “accidentally” sent me a couple snapchats this weekend and I completely fell apart trying to get him to talk to me again. He refuses still and is so angry at me. A part of me knows he’s right and we’re pretty toxic for each other but things had been going good for a long time before that so it feels so fucking brutal.
So a few weeks back he picked this argument with me at like 4am after we’d been drinking for hours, I barely have any recollection of it, and now he’ll never talk to me again. It feels so unfair and confusing because my memory of the night is so bad. I know generally what we were talking about but he has this pattern of not ever bringing up issues he has during normal times and only when we’ve been drinking all night. It’s definitely made me consider my relationship with alcohol (I don’t drink a lot but when I do it’s pretty heavy like this) and I’m going to try to take a break for a while.
I’m just so sad and I miss him so much. All I want is a 20 minute sober conversation with him to get some closure but he’s not interested and said he’s just done with me. I know I need to refocus on myself and accept that the best thing I can do for us is to leave him be and hope he comes around, but it hurts so much to feel so misunderstood and dismissed by someone I really loved. Why are these toxic situations always so fucking annihilating??? Fuck.
I met up with my ex yesterday for a closure conversation and it was actually worth it. Maybe not for him, but absolutely it was for me. The conversation really confirmed:
* His inability for accountability. He kept making comments about how it could have been worse (ex. we could have been engaged when the break up happened; he could have texted to break things off because “other men have done that”). When I pressed him on not expressing his needs or uncertainty about the relationship, there wasn’t any analysis or awareness or acceptance that he could have moved differently. He drug out the relationship 5 months, being uncertain that entire time.
* His inability to stand up for himself and advocate for his own needs. Only at this conversation did he ever share with me that it felt like when we said I love you, it felt like it was too soon.
* He’s spineless AF. He kept backtracking on the horrible things he said to me about my weight during the breakup, but then made it clear that instigated the end of our relationship (LOL).
* He’s still fatphobic. He made a comment about how “everyone should care about their health”, insinuating I don’t. One of his big sticking points was that my patterns had changed. Which, they had, because I had abdominal surgery.
* He lacks emotional intelligence. At one point he said something like “maybe I don’t know how to be in a healthy relationship because of my inexperience”. I told him that made me sad for him. His response? “Well, I’m just a sad boy”. Yeesh.
What I’m learning:
* I am not interested in being with someone who can’t or won’t show up for themselves in a relationship. If you don’t have the guts to ask and work for what you need, then there’s nothing I can do individually to make you happy.
* Being relational and accountable is a skill, one that my ex doesn’t have. Being able to communicate needs and boundaries, to own impact, and to repair are minimums for me. That is the only kind of communication and relationship I am interested in.
* Silence is not safety. I bent over backwards to make space for him to step up and in to communicate if he needed it. He chose not to. I assumed (incorrectly) that meant we were good. I’m no longer willing to tolerate silence and lack of effort.
* I am worth more than being tolerated and being settled for. I firmly believe that if it’s not a hell yes, its a hell no. That doesn’t mean there won’t be times of uncertainty, but if you’re not willing to lean into working together at a certain point, its a no for me.
Also, Ryan, if you ever read this, I hope you know that I make almost 2x as much as you do. Dickhead.
I miss my boyfriend so much :’( his second (out of 3) weeks abroad started today and it seems like forever already. He sends me photos and I even though I am super happy he is able to go to his dream vacation, I feel sad we can’t experience that together (yet). I’m visiting a friend out of state this weekend so at least I have that to look forward to.
Hit pause on my profiles and don’t have a definite beginning of when I will be back on them. Holiday break has started for me! 🫣
Has anyone else also experienced someone saying ‘I love you’ to you in the dating phase, and it felt way too soon? In both my two serious long-term relationships we said it three to five months into the relationship, when we were already openly exclusive for that same amount of time.
Now recently it has happened to me twice that people have said it whilst we had only been dating for a month and it felt quite uncomfortable to me. With the first time I hesitated but said it back ( I was infatuated). He ended up ghosting me after two months.
The last time, he said it whilst we were in a difficult predicament: he had to move continents and we had to conclude we didn’t want to pursue long-distance. This time I didn’t say it back…
Is it just me or is it normal to feel very protective of saying I love you to someone, and that it’s something I only want to say when I truly envision, and can have a future with that person. I felt so robbed of something almost scared when I said it back too early and it soon after ended.
Reasonable or strange? Once upon a time I was in an ltr and did a six week work trip to a far away country. While there, my employer asked me to stay another six weeks. We discussed it, and despite that it would have fun and lucrative, I declined (she made it clear she wanted me home). A year or so later she told me that had I agreed to stay another six weeks, she was going to break up with me 🤔.
How do you talk to coupled friends about your struggles with dating and/or being alone? I have (in my head, at least), been a supportive friend to my friend Sarah, talking to her about her body image and lots of deep stuff. But I tried talking to her about feeling lonely and dating and she just said “yeah 7 years ago (when she met her husband) I thought like that” and changed the subject. And this is after I told her I don’t have any negative feelings towards the idea oof meeting someone on the apps in part because so many friends of mine are in good relationships with a partner from the apps, including her! I feel like I just end up feeling bad about myself talking about this with people who are in relationships – is this just a topic for single friends instead?
Is anyone else feeling a little depressed lately?
does anyone have any tips for dating a single parent? i have never broached this territory before.
I have a date tomorrow and whilst I want to be excited I just don’t feel anything. I do get some glimmers where I think it’ll be fun, but mostly I’m pretty neutral.
I barely know this guy, we spoke incredibly briefly on Hinge and I couldn’t catch a vibe so I said “Let’s meet for a drink and get to know each other properly.” I guess I have very little expectation except he’s been an uninteresting texter, and has on several occasions mixed up you’re/your and too/to
I hate that a part of me finds that unattractive and I’ve never been a stickler over spelling/grammar, but apparently I am?
I also just never seem to make it work with men, so why would this be any different? It feels like setting myself up for failure.
He’s very handsome from what I can see, and he’s also looking for long term monogamy which is so rare. I’m going to do my best to hype myself up and bring my A-game, try not to pre-judge (good or bad) and see what happens. I just can’t shake the feeling that I’m wasting my time and I’m going to get hurt
Hinge:
* Match with K, have a good chat, invite out to date, crickets
* Match with A, have a good chat, invite out to date, crickets
* Match with T, have a good chat, invite out to date, “Oh I’m out of the country and will be back in six weeks :)”
Just… kill me now, what does it take to get people outside!
I’m 38 now. That means I have just 2 years to figure this shit out before I get cast out of here and into datingover40.
So…I finally met up with a guy that I matched with on Tinder 12 years ago. During this time we kept in touch and spoke briefly on and off on IG and would exchange postcards. But our paths finally lined up and we met in Tokyo, Japan that is neither of our home countries. Spoke about traveling, art, life. The conversation felt very natural. And the crazy thing is that we bumped into each other another time in a super crowded street in Tokyo. It’s a connection I cherish a lot and since distance is a factor I’m more than happy to meet him in random corners of the world and have such conversations again. 🙂
I’m in a relationship with someone I like a lot. I know they like me a lot and appreciate me. But I’ve been frustrated lately because he stopped being curious about me. When I brought it up a few weeks ago, he said it was because his mind was distracted with a big trip he had coming up that he had been planning and preparing for for a year. It made sense. He never asked me about me while he was away for three weeks – this was kind of expected based on the discussion we had before he left. But now he’s back, and I let him talk all about his trip the day he got back and was happy and excited to listen and learn more. The next day I asked him if he would be able to give me a ride to the hospital on a date in the future. He said he’d have to check his schedule. Never asked why I needed to go to a hospital or anything. Later when I was back at home, I texted him that I actually needed a surgery and gave some logistical details so he could plan (I found out I needed it and scheduled the surgery while he was away, but he never knew because he never asked about me while he was gone). He said he would try to move some things around. Still never asked what I need surgery for. Am I overreacting for thinking it’s wild that he doesn’t know and doesn’t seem to care? Or am I expecting too much?