I want an honest opinion. So I (32F) left my husband(32M) 2 years ago after 10 years. I was really done with him , I gave him so many chances to change. He even laughed in my face a few times and said “take it or leave it I’m not folding for you”
I even got a therapist, he cancelled the same day, I warned him for 2 years that’s his actions were making me lose feelings.
Besides not being there for me at my worst he put his friends first. Constantly went out without me late hours, gambled for a month and didn’t pay a $23k loan and when I got collection calls he denied anything till I asked collections then he was honest with me.
There’s so much I could write that I endured but I will just tell you what my dilemma is.
I was more immature & naive when I left and quickly seeker comfort and found someone right away. I got pregnant right away too.
I didn’t have the heart to abort and I honestly took it as a sign that maybe it was meant to be. Before anyone judges me, I understand now I was acting out without thinking and I’m not proud of it.
I constantly feel guilt that I got pregnant so quickly. I soon came to my senses that I wasn’t happy and quickly saw the red flags of my baby daddy and how I settled just to have a baby (which is one of the reasons I left my husband, he didn’t want a baby yet)
. Also my baby daddy was just trying to keep me there and wanted to try to get me pregnant after but I didn’t let him.
I hated my husband but during this time I also realized I had no one, my family wasn’t there for me and I almost ended up homeless.
I lost the baby 15 weeks in.
As I navigated to get my old life back in the city I lived in I got close with my husband ,
my trust rebuilt during that time with him and he was being my friend for the first time and being there for me for the first time.
My whole experience with my baby did so much to me. It made me see life differently, it tested my sanity, my morals, my worth so I definitely think it was all meant to happen.
I eventually picked myself up from the hole I was in.
I rekindled with my husband too.
At first I didn’t tell him anything that happened during our break up but then he found out I was with someone and I just told him everything and about the baby. He didn’t take it well at first.
He changed alot when we rekindled and if I knew this side was there the whole time I would have never moved out in the first place and would’ve gave it a second chance. I wish I had thought things twice but now that I look back I feel like our break up was necessary, I wish I had the strength to be alone during that time but now looking back I was so fragile and had nowhere to go.
Anyway, recently I decided to get a tattoo that represents my baby.
I’ve been hiding my pain from my loss for the sake of my marriage and to help him forget but that was my baby, it’s hard to just drop it like it never happened.
I guess he found out what the tattoo meant. I know it’s not right I hid that but he wouldn’t have understood.
And I get this point , as a man someone getting your wife pregnant , I know that’s wrong and I’m embarrassed about it.
He said I had mentioned the tattoo meaning. but no I would never do that but I realize that I did say it in my car when I was alone talking with my baby.
I realize he doesn’t trust me anymore and probably bugged my car cus he knows other things I never mentioned.
He broke up with me over the tattoo and said I disrespected him. I get where he’s coming from but that baby whether I like it or not meant so much to me.
My husband always brings up my ex even though I never bring up or questioned all the girls he slept with during our break up (he said himself he had sex with a handful of girls.) what gets me angry is he deleted the 10 years he treated me like shit and just brings up how I chose to move on. The one thing that I did compared to all the bullshit he put me through. So much shit he did…He came home twice (before I left him) straight to wash his dick in the sink.
Let me make things clear, I hated my husband when I left him.
I had no plans of going back with him.
If I knew he didn’t hate me I wouldn’t have left, I would’ve kept on fighting but I fought for so long. I know I prolly should just divorce and there’s so much hurt already that we both did and probably should just let eachother go. Our chemistry has always been so strong though and it’s hard picturing myself without him. Maybe it’s time to let go.
I have no idea what to do now.
I have different views now and I trust myself more now. So if we really divorce I would not seek comfort , I’d stay single and would focus on myself. Men no longer feel like comfort and I just would rather be alone now.
But my question is , is there anything even left to repair that I should try? Or do I just let my husband go..?