Okay so, I (25F) have been dating my boyfriend (30M) for a little over two years now. We just moved in together a few months ago. Last night we were doomscrolling on insta reels and his ex's post popped up abt her getting engaged
I don't rly know much about their relationship in detail other than her cheating on my bf with her current fiance while she was engaged to my bf (they were together for 5 yrs and it's been 3.5 yrs since they broke up), so ik that it didn't end well with them and it's just a sour topic so i never rly bring it up. I don’t follow her but she's kind of famous on insta as she is a food vlogger and I watch a lot of that content that's y she popped up.
Anyways when he saw it he like froze and became tense i asked him if everything was ok and he said yeah but i asked if that he looked tense because of the post he just brushed it off and rolled over to go to sleep and then thing is we didn't even rly cuddle when we cuddle like almost every night when going to sleep.
I woke up around 2 a.m. and he was gone. Like, completely gone. he was nowhere in our house. I called him, like, 10 ,15 times. No answer ,Phone was switched off. I even called one of his friends, and they had no clue where he was. I was thinking of calling his mom but ik she would have blown his phone up so i decided to wait and call my frnd she also suggested to wait a few hours so i did
Then around 3:30 ish he finally calls me back,i ask him wtf is he doing And he just says I'm fine pls don't call me rn ill explain later and he hangs up b4 i could say anything properly
I tried calling again obviously bcoz what does that even mean like I don't get why he would even be upset about that post seeing they broke up so long ago I can't imagine leaving your gf over this at night. He didn't explicitly say anything abt the reason he went off but I'm pretty sure it's bcoz of the post. I stopped calling him after a few times as hes not going to pick up i rly don't know what to do.
Things have been good with us until now this is the first time i have ever felt like I'm being betrayed by him. I don't even know where he is . Should I leave him alone and give him space I just feel sick abt this situation.
Tldr- bf left in middle of night after finding his ex got engaged and is not responding to me
44 comments
Well he got cheated on and had to heal from that … they were together 5 years. Seeing the engagement post brought up old feelings man just needed so time to himself. now look at you saying “things were good until now”😭 this why social
Media always ruining things.
Best leave him alone, don’t overthink please, sounds very much like PTSD. It’s not necessary a slight on your relationship at all.
What he went through is incredibly tough…. That will leave a lasting emotional scar. Time won’t heal that completely. So just because it’s been 3 years I won’t expect him to be completely over it.
You say everything between you two has been great until now so just give him a bit of space and time. And don’t let this ruin your relationship. Don’t let his ex destroy him again.
I think he needed his space. It’s that simple.
Not rly sr wht the bg dl is
Give him a moment to breathe
some wounds are deep and having a fiancee cheating on you is one of those deep wounds. him seeing her with the guy she was cheating with during his engagement to her now getting engaged probably brought him right back to the day it happened. He probably needed time to clear his head and let the pain out.
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lol you really said “betrayed by him” huh. what do you think he’s doing, going over to his ex’s house to cheat on you? give the man some time alone, he’s clearly dealing with trauma. not everything has to be about you.
i dont understand why people are attacking you in these comments. if i had made it to the stage of moving in with someone and one night they left out of nowhere, id be concerned too, no matter what happened the day before. and while yes he probably just needs time to process the engagement, it wouldve been easy to tell you that. he didnt even have to say it in person or on the phone, he could leave and then send a quick text right after to let you know that he just needed some time alone and that he was alright. you’re valid to be upset about this
i understand his distress but it’s been 3 and a half years. the least he can do is give you the courtesy of telling you he was leaving to be on his own for a bit instead of letting you wake up alone in the middle of the night and leaving you to panic
Best to give him space. At least you know he’s okay(ish).
This isn’t about you or anything you’ve done. This is about him dealing with his past. So let him deal with it.
Keep yourself busy till he’s ready to talk. If he comes back just to get ready for work or get his things, don’t force him to talk. He’ll talk when he’s ready.
Consider speaking to someone about it. Therapy might help you understand what’s going on or at least deal with the emotions you’re going through right now.
Me and my ex fiance have been split since 2010, and even wife number 5 made me feel a way. Mostly that I dodged a whole firing squad, but it still feels kinda shitty and makes me think.
He needed space. He asked you not to call and you ignored that. Was he to wake you up to let you know he was leaving to get some space? Getting the news that the ex you were engaged to that cheated on you is marrying the guy she cheated on with is a hard pill to swallow and likely reopened some wounds. If he needs space, give him that.
These comments are really weird. It’s not a normal thing for a long term boyfriend to disappear randomly. Especially when his home is also hot home. Not saying he’s doing anything “wrong,” just that maybe he’s not in a good mental state, and it’s valid to be concerned.
Sure, give him a few hours then call again (once) in the morning. If he doesn’t respond, text and say that you’d like to make sure he’s okay. I don’t think the right option here is to just let him have space indefinitely- seems like he’s really upset about something.
How close does his ex stay?
If she’s a few hrs away, then he probs jst went to clear his head
If she’s about an hour max away, and he took the car, then he’s probs gone to hers to get closure
Whichever it is, don’t bring it up, he needs to address this himself and willingly talk to you about it
He’s still in love with her
My ex moved on and I literally couldn’t care less. If I saw his engagement post pop up on my feed I would just scroll past and there wouldn’t even be an acknowledgment and definitely no meltdown because I love the person I’m with right now
And why is she appearing on his feed? Obviously he keeps searching her name and that’s why his feed shows him her posts
Or he follows her which he shouldn’t be doing if he’s with you. The ex should be blocked on his phone.
He’s obviously still attached to her. You can stay with him but just know that if she ever wanted him back, he would drop you so fast.
Get some self respect and find a man who worships you and only you. A man who would be proud to be dating you and will proudly show you off to the world
3.5 years is enough time for him to get over this. He’s in love with her and the fact that he ran off without telling you to mourn and grieve his relationship with her is pathetic
How do you know he isn’t texting her and calling her trying to get her attention? Don’t listen to the other commenters asking you to give him “space”
He’s treating you like a placeholder. He doesn’t love you enough or anywhere near as much as he does her
You’ve been dating for two years. He should be thinking of your own engagement. Anyways up to you – if you want to stay with him knowing he doesn’t want you as much as he wants her, you’ll be disrespecting yourself. I’m sorry but you’ll find yourself feeling way less confident and will start comparing yourself to her
Leave his ass and find a man who loves you very much
As someone who’s been cheated on, I empathise with your boyfriend, however, leaving in the middle of the night and refusing to communicate about why is not on.
I also think you have cause for concern as to why your boyfriend had such a visceral reaction to his ex’s engagement. When my cheating ex got into a new relationship nearly 2 years later, I cried. And I knew deep down that was because I was not over it.
I was also remaining single and not dating, as it’s not fair on a new partner for you to enter a new relationship, while you’re still really affected by a previous relationship. **It’s everyone’s own responsibility to heal from their traumas in a way that doesn’t affect people that had nothing to do with them.**
I get some old feelings were probably dug up for your boyfriend, but you deserve an explanation and for him to be open and honest about why he’s disappeared.
This isn’t about you… maybe he just needed a minute to collect his thoughts and examine how he feels. He clearly just needed some time and space alone.
Give him the space he asked for.
He was most likely triggered maybe for the cheating aspect just give him some space send him a msg that you’ll respect his request for some space but to atleast let you know he’s OK and that you’d like to talk it out when he returns.
Yeah, no, being cheated on and/or upset about the news doesn’t give you license to be an ass to the person you’re currently committed to. WTF are you supposed to do with this? “Shit got hard so I bailed” isn’t exactly reassuring your partner.
Does she live far away? If he got in the car to show up at her door this relationship would be over for me.
Your boyfriend vanished and could be in any kind of situation, he’s not answering and you have no gauge on his mental/physical state, but you don’t want to call his mum and decide to just… stop trying to verify his safety?
Give him space for now, stop blowing his phone and learn a lesson from this. Avoid dating people who are fresh out of crazy breakups next time.
He clearly never fully processed it. Quite unfortunate
If an Instagram post of his cheating ex getting engaged sent him running for the hills in the middle of the night, it sounds like he’s not completely over his ex and should’ve waited longer before jumping into a relationship, unfortunately.
Wait, YOU feel betrayed when you are the one who has a parasocial relationship with his ex fiancé who cheated on him? Sorry girl, you betrayed him too.
You have zero reason to be watching this girl’s videos ever. If it was a a one-time thing as a mistake or someone showed one to you as an accident, that’s one thing. But you say you watch a lot of her content. You are purposely seeking out near-contact with her. You know they had a traumatic breakup fueled by betrayal. You don’t know her whatsoever and have no reason to be tempting fate like this, especially because we all know how algorithms work. Block her!
Give him space. He’s probably asking himself a million questions why his ex is showing up on your apps and needs to process that before having an emotionally charged conversation with you about it.
When you do have that conversation, don’t lie to him. Don’t play victim and say he betrayed you. Just own what you did and tell him you will change this behavior. Be honest about why you’ve been watching her content (are you insecure about her? Does this relationship trigger anxiety? Does it bother you that he has never opened up about what happened? Etc). Level with him. And listen to him without judgement when he levels with you. Trust was broken on both sides unfortunately.
Also, take this time apart to think about your intentions. Indulging your fascination with her is coming from somewhere. Almost everyone has done it at least once, so I do think most people can relate. I don’t think you’re a bad person or anything like that, so I apologize if my words come across harsh. But I can honestly say, with everyone I’ve talked to about this, fundamentally this kind of thing is rarely coming from a good place. Sometimes it’s survival in a legal battle / messy split. Sometimes it’s insecurity. Sometimes it’s control. Etc. I really do think something has been bothering you, and looking at her content is how it manifested.
Good luck!
Dodged a bullet. Don’t go back to him as he has issues. You can’t fix him or his issues, choose yourself, love yourself and save yourself.
He’s trying to be cool and mysterious to make you more attracted to him….just ignore him, he’ll come back on his own
Trauma can be triggered years and decades later if coping mechanisms were never developed. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, but he was betrayed once and his psyche may be trying to protect itself.
He may need to see a trauma specialist, a regular ‘therapists’ may make his situation worse.
He could have problems opening up to you because you are the most dangerous person to that part of him.
Doesn’t matter if he’s 30 or 90 years old, our bodies learn what they learned, and your bf may not even be consciously aware of what his learned when his ex betrayed him.
One of the coping mechanisms after being cheated on is convincing yourself in the existence of karma – “he’ll cheat on her/she’ll cheat on him like she cheated on me/karma will get them both/etc.”. Obviously that didn’t happen to his cheating ex, since she’s engaged to the guy now. And he found that out because she’s internet famous (so she’s doing good in that regard as well). And he found out on his girlfriend’s phone.
This can trigger all kinds of feelings, traumas, frustrations. It doesn’t necessarily have to mean he’s still in love with her like some people very quickly assumed. Maybe his world and hopes of karma have been shattered and he needs to process that now. His behaviour is not rational, but I hope he can open up to you about whatever is going on in his head.
what even are these comments, “he needs space” wdym space bruh.
if he wanted space he coulve just communicated it out
he didnt even pick up your phone
he didnt say you nothing
just left
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING NIGHT
I bet there was a kid in the photo – prob about 4 or so that would coordinate with the time they broke up. Prob blocked him for years n then unblocked him to shove the engagement and kid in his face
He needed space. He asked you not to call and you ignored that. Just give him the space he needs right now. He probably just needs some time to think about it and deal with that trauma of being cheated on. Being cheated on can affect men (and women) forever no matter how much time has gone by, no matter how much you healed from it, something can come up that brings up a ptsd moment.
Realizing that his EX (they were together for 5 years) who cheated on him is getting married now can be traumatizing because we live in this fantasy world of “well karma will get them someday” and it doesn’t.
I got cheated on. I have some weird traumas and insecurities from that, and it is 100% my responsibility to heal from that and work through it. My husband doesn’t deserve to feel unsafe in our relationship.
It’s fine to have negative feelings toward someone who hurt you in the past. But him leaving and saying nothing leaves you in the position where you don’t know if he’s angry at him, at her, that she “got away with it” or if he was jealous. It’s an absolutely crappy position to put your partner of almost 4 years in.
As a side note, he needs to have a better plan for how to handle this in the future. If he’s not going to block her social media accounts, it is not fair for someone to commit to a life of you spiraling and disappearing as your ex gets married, has children, buys a house, etc. there’s no way to feel safe in that relationship when you know he will once again disappear at the sight of her moving forwards.
Let him go into his cave. He has to find his centre. Men are from mars women from Venus book explains our differences
It’s the hardest thing for you as woman to face this.
It’s not you!!!!He has to process his feelings alone. Don’t say anything when a man is angry or upset. You must wait till he comes out of his cave.
MeryForNone I believe is right about being triggered
I was a really difficult marriage and was totally triggered 15 years later. Just totally blind sided by feelings I thought were gone.
It’s not you OP You two will be stronger if he finds centre you two can talk it out or he may need therapist.
When he comes back just hold him. He will talk when comes out of cave.
Bro let the dude chill and collect his thoughts. Why do women online always have to make it about themselves these days? Guys are usually pretty stoic and they don’t like to talk about everything and just take a moment to breathe. Some people are saying there’s a lot of comments saying give him some time, but all I’m seeing is “oh he’s a red flag”. Men processed things differently, it takes them longer to open up. He left when he thought she was sleeping and probably turned his phone off not knowing that she’d be calling. Then once he turned it back on, he assured that he was fine and asked for time.
It really hurts. How guys are supposed to magically know what women are experiencing and what they need yet A dude simply asks to be given time and people are like “ break up with him. Seeing comments like this make me glad that I’m single, but make me worried about the future of the world.
Have his bags packed for him when he gets back.
You don’t want to date someone that will run away for a few hours because his ex got engaged. What will happen once the wedding happens and he find out? What will happen once she announce she’s pregnant or had a baby? He’s the type to run and shut down when things get tough.
Yeah it hurts he got cheated on but you was sleep he could have just been went in the living room or went outside to get his emotions out. He literally left the house and didn’t answer his phone leaving you worried. What will happen if you had a baby at home and he just left like that?
I think he was having an emotional response because they had a relationship before and needed some time to process.
He’s allowed to have that time and space to himself.
not a red flag. he got triggered. everyone has them. have him go to therapy. and maybe go to couples therapy. he never cheated on you and treats you well. he got triggered as i said. and he wanted to be alone. he went to a bad place. i’ve been there.
Honestly, to me, this isn’t gender specific. I think if anyone gets upset about their ex being in a serious relationship and or getting engaged or married, still has deeply residual feelings about that person. Not saying that they wanna be back with them, but still dealing with unresolved feelings of being hurt. As in you were faithful to me, but you move on and get engaged with this other guy.She could still be in her cheating behavior, and this new guy hasn’t found out yet. Or she could have cheated on her ex-boyfriend, the one who’s spazzing out over his ex moving on and getting engaged because she really wasn’t into him. Not saying that it’s ever a good excuse or reason to cheat on your partner, just saying that they are two sides to the coin. The current girlfriend should definitely be looking at this as a red flag, because if Just, seeing his ex engaged affects him like this, he doesn’t care about his current relationship with his new girlfriend in my opinion.
After this long if he isn’t over her I hate to say but he would leave you in a heartbeat if she offered him the opportunity. Don’t give that much time to someone that can’t be fully committed.
As someone who has been in that exact position, he might be having a life crisis. When my ex fiance got engaged to the person they were seeing that led to our breakup, and then married him while I was just getting into my next relationship, it broke me. Not because I missed my ex, but because I wasn’t the one getting engaged/married and felt behind in life because of it. He needs to talk to someone about this, preferably a therapist.
Also, him wanting space is fair, but how he did it isn’t fair to you. Unfortunately he was probably too emotionally overwhelmed to realize it. At some point you will still have to talk, either privately or with a therapist, about how the way he handled his emotions hurt you, and how to move forward.
As someone who has PTSD from being in an abusive relationship that ended in cheating, I can understand that sometimes people might react more strongly to this than they would like to. HOWEVER, it doesn’t excuse going off in the middle of the night like this. I share everything with my partner. He knows all my history. If I saw something from my abuser and it brought back a wave of emotion, I would tell him, and he’d hold me through it. I would never disappear in the middle of the night.
The reason he’s so upset is not because she’s engaged, but because she’s engaged to the creep, she cheated on him with. I would wager it wouldn’t be nearly as hurtful if she married anyone else, but that guy.