This is going to sound insane but here’s a blowout we just got into about me not running his back/chest.
I (35f) have been with my husband (35m) been together for over a decade. He fully expects to be rubbed/scratched on his back or chest every single night.
There are nights we’re im literally half asleep and if I stop rubbing him because I fall asleep he will get mad and be like “wth babe your not rubbing me” or “whatever babe just go to bed then I guess”
Tonight, I was in bed for no more than 5 minutes and we just started a movie. I was super into the first part so I was paying attention to what was going on and my husband immediately lays on my stomach and says “hey what’s up can I have some rubs”
I let out a sign because in my head I’m like Jesus, give me some time to just freaking relax and watch the first part of this movie.
Yeah well that turned into “what the fuck is your problem, I never know if you’re mad at me because you don’t rub me and you rub me every night, and now your upset that you have to rub me”
Well no shit. It’s a chore at this point. I used to enjoy it and not mind, but now it’s so out of hand it’s literally expected of me
When I mean this got into a blowout fight, I mean an hour of screaming and yelling and trying to get him to understand that “what if I’m just freaking exhausted from the day and all I want to do is lay here and close my eyes and go to bed, but I can’t, because I’m expected to not only rub you, but 9/10 nights rub you to sleep”
He says “you used to have no problem rubbing me and now all of the sudden you hate it or give me an attitude when I ask you”
I’m drained. Emotionally and physically. This is such a ludicrous argument I’m sure you can imagine how other arguments between us are
He literally makes me feel like it’s my fault. It gets turned around on me like in the bad one because I’ve done it all these years and now I have a problem doing it or don’t want to.
I can’t do this. Am I the crazy one here because I’m just to a point where I’m over it?
If I even ask ONE time for him to scratch my back (we’re talking maybe 2-3 times a year I’ll even try asking) it always comes back to “well you have to rub me to” or “I’ll rub your leg or something so you can rub me too”
I actually feel like a lunatic for even typing this situation out. Like this really just happened?
I feel like I’m just here for my kid still at this point. I won’t leave because I know how neglectful he’ll be to our child if I’m not there to entertain or play with him.
Edit: spelling
37 comments
He is a child you are raising. Throwing tantrums over back scratches?
No you’re not crazy, he also isn’t your child so feel free to stop raising him when you want.
Your reaction is understandable.
His expectations are insane.
Buy him one of the extended back scratches and tell him he can do it himself now.
And start making an exit plan.
Wow! He sounds so annoying! It’s all about him! Sounds like a raging narcissist
I know exactly how you feel, I’ve been with my partner for 20 plus years and he acts the same girl run for it, while you are young believe me it won’t get any better it will get worse and you will resent the heck out of him and he will get even more childish… we are 55m and 53f and I’m so close to leaving, I don’t have any were to go plus no money to get away no car, I was informed the things that I have here are no longer mine so literally I don’t know anything I’m stuck
He expects you to cater to him everyday? You’re not his masseuse. On a side note, it sounds like the marriage is over if you already feel like you’re staying for your kid. Especially if you think he’s neglectful. He only cares about himself and is just mad cause you finally said no. Leave this man baby
my husband has rubbed me to sleep every night for 8 years 🥹🥹 but I wouldnt turn it into a blowout fight wtf
I seriously thought this was a satire post about a cat. Your husband needs help.
Obviously he’s rubbing u the wrong way
I’m drained for ya reading this. My goodness that sounds irritating af. I’m very affectionate a total cuddle bug. Even when i’m with a lady I don’t expect us to every damn time. Or feel we should have to. Your husband sounds like an immature inconsiderate selfish brat, throwing tantrums because you aren’t doing that each night. It is insane, maybe couples therapy? Hope things get better
Honey, leave with your kid.
Damn ur husband sounds like 10yo . Im really sorry you have to raise a manchild.
Pretty silly stuff. Especially at your ages, being married that long, having a kid and all. The audacity to expect something like that and then to pout when it doesn’t happen is completely absurd. You got a man-baby. -A Dude
Replace back scratches with sex or any other boundary. This is where this goes. I was in the exact same situation and your age two years ago. Did the secret therapy, recording of conversations to confirm I’m not insane with third parties.
It’s unfortunate but now is exit strategy time. His parents’ piss poor rearing is not your burden to bare. Save yourself while there’s some of you to save
You should ask for a rub
This isn’t the only issue with y’all right now.
Why are you with a literal child?
Tell him “I’m not doing this any longer. You’ve made it a fucking chore and I no longer have any desire to do it because of YOUR BEHAVIOR”
Good Lord, 10 years of this?
So you married a narc…
I hate to tell you this but it will just get worse, not better. You should drop his spoiled, childish ass, being single is NOT worse than that.
This sounds exactly like my dog.
No you aren’t crazy. I’m sure you feel crazy because that’s a ridiculous thing for him to get mad about. It’s ridiculous that he expects it every night. I’ve been with someone like that.. and just reading this brought back that feeling. Drained. I have a feeling he’s very controlling.. take your kid and leave. People don’t change
I just read this entire post to my husband. This is our EXACT situation. He’s now apologizing.
… he’ll still expect rubbings tonight. I get it. It’s absolutely fucking exhausting.
This is very gross. I’m so sorry.
Maybe start singing “soft kitty warm kitty little ball of fur” while you do it???
It’s weird that you’re married to my beagle.
Your husband is a toddler.
Your not his slave , your an equal partner, tell that loser to go fuck himself.
Look, I *love* getting my head or back rubbed, but this is way too fucking much. WTH?
Are you saying he wakes you up to continue rubbing his back? That shows a level of selfishness that borders on cruelty. Sleep is sacred and you don’t wake someone up for such a ridiculous reason. I would never have done that—even as a child who often had her back rubbed until she fell asleep.
This man has zero respect for you. I’m honestly blown away… the bar is in hell.
He sounds utterly exhausting. I hope you get a lawyer and talk to them about your concerns regarding neglect. See what you can do to get out.
I used to rub hubs back for years, he never once got upset if I said no, I used to do it because I can usually only sleep when he’s snoring so it was a quick way to knock myself out.
Then we had kids, and they like snuggles every now and then, so he doesn’t get shit. Been a long time since he’s said anything about it.
Get OUT of there.
Giving back rubs was my jam when we were dating and married. Then life happens and I’ve stopped doing them.
Back rubs were my love language amongst other things. But they were MY love language. When it starts being demanded is when I stop feeling the love.
Thankfully my husband doesn’t expect them. When he gets them he melts.
You’re allowed to not do it.
It’s borderline like he expects sex the same way.
You’re allowed to say no.
But it seems like you feel stuck because you’re finally seeing him as a selfish AH. You don’t feel he’ll be a good parent if you weren’t there to watch him.
I truly hope you are able to get him into some kind of counseling so he can see he’s not owed your time and affection. To be a better partner and parent.
But if not, I’d start documenting and saving for the moment you know your kid is sufficient enough to voice their concerns to you. Leave him when you’re able. Because staying with him for the kid isn’t going to do anyone any good.
Tell him go outside and rub up against the nearest tree like a grizzly bear instead. What a selfish man child
This is coercive control. You learn to chose the easier option just to keep the peace and avoid the negative consequences. And bit-by-bit you fall in line with how they want you to be, until eventually there’s no part of you left. Everything about ‘you’ is exactly how they want it.
Nah that is fucking crazy. You’re grown ass adults, if you don’t feel like rubbing him you don’t have to. The fact he’s gonna act like you’re an asshole over this is insane.
I’d never touch my bf again if he pulled some shit like that. He can go be single and rub his damn self.
Yuck I hope I never read the word rub again, apparently that’s an ick word for me or this post just made it one. 🚩
Please, leave this man. Excuse me ,but I laughed so hard reading this story. He’s seriously utterly insane and you gotta go and live your best non-rubbing life with someone else. The aducity to demand back rubs like that lol
Never be with the man who loves rubs but doesn’t rub you freely and happily. It never ends well.
This is insane. You’ve done this every night, for years? That’s ludicrous. With basically no reciprocation.
I’m going to guess this isn’t the only way your husband is a selfish, self centered child.
No means no.