TL;DR: 32M Disabled, "weird" guy, poor, always miserable without love in life whatever i try, dating websites are gonna crush me but i can't go out much, how will i find someone nice?
Hi! I'm currently getting out of a relation that could be defined as abusive, or very toxic, depending how you see it. Long story short, she's not a terrible person, she looses control and is not ready to stop herself.
I stayed for 8.5 years and was really destroyed. The bad was there from the start, i just didn't want to let go of the nice person behind the symptoms… It's incredibly painful and sad, but i've learned
I know i'm not made to be alone and i want to try to find love as soon as i can emotionaly do it healthily
Western europe culture, i don't know if it matters
Here's the gist of it:
i'm different mentaly (not limited though), disabled, not interesting money or to an extent practical tasks wise, not awesome looks but not terrible, can't go out very often
Best qualities around always trying to become better: invested, loving, caring, listening, accepting, always ready to find a compromise, then a lot of creativity. I'm a guy you can trust fundamentaly, it's important to me to make it true
Last time i spent 3 excruciating years on dating sites. I know they're bad and why, i know i'm probably uninteresting to a lot of people but the little amount i can go out really wasn't going nowhere, i never met anyone, i had to act and here i'm going to be again
I'm really afraid i'm just going to rot alone and sink in sadness, it's really terrible on me i've been there before, i want to invest into hapiness with someone it's my whole deal
I'd really like to find someone that would value me as a person as i do for others, that would find it as obvious that i should feel well around them as i do
What should i do? Dating websites are definitely a limited path… Nothing has ever had taste without love for me, that's why i tried so hard to find my ex, i can occupy myself sure but life is going to be terrible until then
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Here's more of what i wrote before i realized it was too long if you want more details, but i'd rather have advice than having you read everything:
The "good" thing with suffering so much in this relationship and realizing so often i couldn't make her care about not hurting me terribly, i've been confronted to the possibility of having to turn the leaf many times for the last few years despite a profound attachment
To make things worse i have no family basicaly, and i went away from my old toxic group of friends (i seem to have a tendancy to let people mistreat me… I've learned though, therapist and all), so i will be terribly lonely and miserable
At base i was already pretty unwell without much signs of recovery over the years: i'm socialy anxious, have many crippling traumas and have always been very depressed although i have so much therapy behind me i have learned to handle a lot of it, am disabled so uninteresting money wise and daily life with me implies less help than normal although i dream of being a good househusband, since working seems out of reach
I try my best though, i've been unsuccessfully trying to be able to make some money too and i will again
I also realized recently that i have autistic traits, which make me easily awkward, specific or strange and causes quite a few misunderstandings or siuations where i have to think really hard to find what's expected of me if i'm not told
I'm a very invested person on an interpersonal level and i've spent my whole life trying to always become a better person. Strong moral compass, values oriented around empathy and mutual good
I'm also very enthusiastic about many imaginary things; when i asked a good friend and my ex what was nice about me they said that when i tell stories or speak about things i'm passionate about i'm so invested that it's contagious and very nice to listen to
I'm not really ugly i think, but i'm not especially pretty and i've lost quite a bit of hair now. Been clinging to my long hair notably because she liked it… Also my ears are a bit large, hair balances it i'm not sure about a bald look
Since i'm disabled, going out and by consequence having hobbys is a limited option. Good thing is i can walk and all, but if i do too much of one thing, i have to sacrifice another
I used to and am to this point considering again to bet on presenting myself truthfully as a very trustworthy, invested individual that believes interpersonal relationships are the most important thing and love is my priority in life, taking care of each other
Something about expressing my understanding of what i should do to be a good husband to show i'm not someone who would treat their significant other badly: listening and expressing, healthy control (not enforcing control, both accepting to give some control to the other), respecting each other's feelings and freedom, it's not exhaustive and i'm a bit confused right now but i imagine you get it, that sort of stuff…
Showing that i will do my very best to be good to my partner and build a respectful healthy relationship, because that's literaly what i want in life
Hoping someone like me wants love and care that goes both ways as a priority in life, and would want that with me as a person
But i think i may be unattractive to most, my dating life has been a wreck overall and loving me has been rare despite my best efforts… I keep trying, but there are things i still have to understand