I 25M have been dating “Becca” 24F for six months now. Everything was going great until her birthday two months ago. Up until then, I’d met a couple of her friends but just one or two at a time. This was the first time meeting a lot of her friends, and the first time I’d be hanging out with them all in a big group. We had what I thought was a great night until that night when I took Becca home.
Becca asked me what I thought of her friend “Sadie” 23F. I’d exchanged maybe two sentences with Sadie, so I just said that she seemed cool. Becca then asked me if I thought Sadie was pretty, to which I responded she was, but not nearly as pretty as Becca. I thought that was a safe answer because I didn’t want to say her friend WASN’T pretty, but I also wanted her to know that I only had eyes for her. But Becca was like, “So you DO think she’s pretty. I KNEW it. Pretty AND cool!” I didn’t think much of this because Becca was quite intoxicated, so I just brought her some gatorade and helped her get into bed.
I figured Becca wouldn’t remember this interaction the next morning, but she called me and apologized. She explained that Sadie was “conventionally attractive” and had a history of taking men that Becca wanted, and she didn’t want that to happen to me. I assured her that wouldn’t happen. I told her the honest truth, which was that with all the new faces I was seeing, I hardly remembered what Sadie looked like. I told her too that if Sadie kept going after men she knew Becca wanted, she should consider distancing herself from Sadie.
Again, I thought that would be the end, but for the past two months, Sadie has somehow come up in every conversation. Did I follow Sadie’s instagram? Had I talked to Sadie since the party? Even when I give her a compliment, she brings up Sadie. Just last week she got a new pair of jeans and I told her how great her butt looked in them and she went on this tirade about how she had to spend so much money just to get a pair of jeans that looked “decent” on her while Sadie looked like a “supermodel” in Walmart jeans.
I’m not THAT dumb. I know that Becca has complex underlying issues and that the Sadie fixation is just a manifestation of those issues. I don’t want to invalidate her, but I get the sense that Sadie is not a problem so much as Becca’s insecurities. I’m like a broken record with how often I remind her that she’s hot and smart, that she has a great life, a great job, and a great guy (if I do say so myself lol) and there’s no reason for her to compare herself to Sadie or anyone else. That Walmart jeans are trash but I’m sure she would look good in them if she really wanted some. I’ve suggested therapy, which she says is "a waste." It just seems like nothing I do helps. And I know it’s her issue and not mine, but it’s starting to drain me too.
The breaking point came a couple nights when I got an Instagram DM request from Sadie saying she thought I was cute and asking if I wanted to hangout sometime. This was followed by a series of DMs basically saying she knew I was with Becca but she thought I could do better, and if I gave her a chance she could “show me what I was missing.” Without responding, I took a screenshot and immediately blocked her.
Then yesterday I showed Becca the screenshot. I fully expected Becca to crash out, but instead she kissed me and told me she KNEW she could trust me. I was confused and she explained that she had Sadie DM me to prove my loyalty to her. Apparently it is a common thing for women to do, especially if they have a “conventionally attractive” friend who “could probably steal anyone’s man.” I was completely dumbfounded. I thought people only did this stuff in movies, not in real life.
I asked Becca if all the anxiety over Sadie was real, or if she had faked that too. She said it WAS real, but now that she knows I’m loyal to her she’s not worried anymore. She tried to kiss me again but I pulled away. This might have solved all of her problems, but it created a whole new set of problems for me. I gave her no reason to doubt my loyalty. I never even looked twice at Sadie. I did everything I could to show her how much I cared about her, but it took this fake DM for her to trust me. What if she made another “hot” friend? Or what if she thought one of my co-workers was “conventionally attractive.” Would we have to do this all over again?
I told her I needed some space. Becca doesn’t understand why I’ve been distant since yesterday. She seems to think everything is resolved since I “proved my loyalty,” but ironically I think this may be the breaking point for me in the relationship. I really like Becca, but I can’t be with someone who has zero faith in me. If I’m going to stay in a relationship with her, I need to communicate to her how deeply this affected me, and make sure that she knows not to do this again. How can I do this without invalidating her feelings and making her turn against me?
TLDR; My girlfriend has been fixating on her friend who she thinks it much more attractive than she is. I have no interest in this friend, but she had her friend send me suggestive DMs as a "loyalty test." This is making me question our relationship, and I need to effectively communicate to her that she hurt me without making her upset.
30 comments
Your GF needs professional help – I’d be out of there.
Wild. Strive for a life free of chaos, a good partner will compliment life, not complicate it
Yeah that’s messed up. Her insecurities popped up now and they’ll pop up again in the future
Enjoy living life between random, unhinged, tests.
You need to shut this down hard and tell her how much this upset you. Use a lot of “I feel” statements and explain how you won’t accept this sort of treatment going forward.
Man, break up with her. She is so immature.
It’s time to go.
Her insecurities haven’t gone anywhere, but you should.
Becca needs to get over her insecurities before you can consider getting involved again.
Today is Sadie, tomorrow it will be someone else, and you’re gonna run into more problems.
She’s gonna start going through your phone, computer, and anything else she can get her hands on.
Run away and save yourself the hassle/drama.
Absolutely dump her. Also tell her that if she thinks you’re so untrustworthy to have to be tested she can find someone else but in the meantime to get some therapy because her next man doesn’t deserve to be punished for her exs.
She has too much insecurity and baggage regarding her friend being attractive.
If I were you, I wouldn’t stick around to find out what other bullshit games she’s going to play with you.
Leave before she ends up pregnant.
Can you just show her this post? You’ve explained it beautifully.
End it immediately.
These stupid ass loyalty tests don’t stop. You allow it once, you’ll be dealing with it again. I can promise you that.
This is CRAZY. She tried to trick you and trap you. You sound like a good guy. She definitely needs to get therapy and I would end the relationship right here and now as this will only get worse over time for her. The fact she doesn’t recognise what she did was wrong is a massive red flag.
You can tell her that while you may have passed her “loyalty test,” she failed your “don’t play stupid mind games with your partner test.”
Healthy partners don’t “loyalty test” their other half.
This is something that happens in silly romcoms, not real life. Buh-bye!!
I’m a woman…. have never done this or thought to do this.
Your girlfriend is immature. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with loyalty tests.
Don’t worry about invalidating her feeling as much getting her to validate yours. You’ve been doing a lot more lifting in this relationship than most men in this sub would and to be honest, it sounds like its her turn.
I dont know what the infatuation with women trying to trap their SO’s doing something wrong in a fictitious scenario that they create. Its toxic and its unhealthy.
If you want her to see what she did, and understand how truly toxic it is, have her read the replies to this thread.
You are a part of this relationship too. Your feelings are just as valid as hers. Dont start putting her ahead of yourself. In a relationship, if you aren’t acting as a team, as one, what’s the point.
We, as a partner, aren’t here to serve. That defeats the term partner. We’re together to compliment eachother and improve our lives. When that stops, it’s time to move on.
Updateme!
Funny this thing she did “proved your loyalty” exactly proves she’s not loyal, it builds in trust and it took breaking your trust in her to gain her trust in you, wow.
“Remember how you said therapy was a waste? I strongly disagree. In fact, I can’t see a way for us to move forward without it, and even then I can’t promise I’ll be able to get past you thinking this was a good and appropriate way to deal with your insecurities.”
She can feel whatever feelings she wants. You don’t need to validate or coddle them. And if she still refuses to admit she’s done anything wrong, then don’t waste any further time trying to explain to her; just move on.
Ain’t nobody got time for that. You seem to be about 1,000 times more mature than your girlfriend. I would expect that from your girlfriend if she was 15. As a 50M who’s when around the block a few times, if you think this if the first test, you are quite mistaken son. The next one will have higher stakes, be set up for you to almost 100% fail, and if you pass will only infuriate you more. Do you really want to continue in a relationship where you don’t know where the next landmine is? Get out now while you can.
This is an amuse-bouche of what a long term relationship would be with Becca. I’d run so damn fast. She needs professional help and you’re already tired of the day to day. You haven’t invested that much time, you are allowed to end a relationship.
*Becca, I understand your past has made you insecure, and I am here to support you because the things that happened and your feelings about them are all real. However, what you did with Sadie was an attempted manipulation of me betrayal of my trust. You created a fake scenario for months, causing me anxiety and disrespecting me. A real relationship is built on trust, not tests. The fact that you felt the need to trick me into proving my loyalty shows you had no faith in me from the start. This has created a new and serious problem for me. I love you, but I cannot be in a relationship where I have to prove my loyalty or am going to be subject to secret tests. In the future, we need to communicate honestly instead of resorting to* manipulation and tests. *You need to believe in me like I believe in you, without testing you.*
This is after 6 months. Think of the shit she’ll pull in a couple of years.
“Apparently it is a common thing for women to do”
No, it is not.
Just tell her she failed your ‘not a nutcase test’.
Tell her she failed your loyalty test.
>Apparently it is a common thing for women to do, especially if they have a “conventionally attractive” friend who “could probably steal anyone’s man.”
It’s a common thing for toxic women to do. FTFY… Don’t lump us all together…
That’s honestly a huge red flag. Setting up a fake “loyalty test” isn’t proof of love, it’s proof of control and insecurity. You’ve been patient and reassuring, but if trust has to be manufactured like that, there’s no real foundation left. I’d tell her calmly how much this crossed the line, but also start thinking if this is someone you can actually build something healthy with.