tl;dr: Together since we were teenagers, my partner and I moved in young and built our entire adult lives around each other. Now, many years later, I’m realizing I never developed a sense of independence or identity outside the relationship. I love him and we’re trying to make things work, but I feel lost, overly dependent, and scared about who I am without him. I don’t want to end the relationship, but I also don’t know how to build independence when I’ve never had it. I'm looking for advice on how to develop a self outside of my relationship.
I (28F) am struggling with my long-term relationship with my partner (29M). We have been together for 12 years – I was 17, he was 18. Now, nearing 30, I'm feel confused and lost about how I got here. When I chose to attend the same university hours away from home so that we could be at the same school, I was making that decision based on what seemed best for my future from the perspective of an 18-year-old in love for the first time.
During my sophomore year of college, we moved in together mainly for financial reasons; he was already sleeping in my dorm most nights, so it made sense to get our own place rather than pay for housing he wasn’t using or having to sneak him in. At 19, it also felt like the natural next step since we were still in the puppy love phase and wanted to be together 24/7. Living together was a hard adjustment – the normal stuff, learning how to share space with someone, how to compromise, all of those things. We stayed there until he finished his program, and then he was offered an opportunity in another state, and because my job was flexible, we moved a few hundred miles away together, where we are now and have been for years.
Our lives are so deeply intertwined. We have been together since we were essentially children. When I chose to move in with him, I never thought about the implications on a larger scale, about what the future might look like realistically. Unknowingly, I feel as though I've built my entire life around another person, but I'm only just realizing now. We are so deeply deeply dependent on each other, we know nothing outside of each other. He was my first boyfriend, first kiss, first everything.
I love him. We have a good relationship. But I feel like the cracks are starting to show, and it's caused me to realize that, outside of what we've built together, I have nothing. If we separated, I would have to move back in with my parents, find a new job, and build an entirely new life from scratch. Right now, we're working on the relationship, trying to work through things, but it's left me terrified. Assuming we do stay together, I don't know how to develop a sense of self, of independence. He has never stopped me from doing anything I've wanted to do, he didn't drag me here – I chose to go, every step of the way. I'm not really stifled, but having this new perspective has left me feeling confused, guilty, and afraid.
How do I become less dependent on him (not financially)? How do I develop a sense of independence that I never had in the first place, something that was never modeled for me growing up? It feels like there must be a way to change the dynamic, to change something, without the relationship necessarily having to end, but I don't know what that is. We are both in therapy individually, and we have considered couple's therapy as well, but for right now I suppose I'm just looking for support, advice, perspective, or commiseration.