TL;DR: I feel at my limit, I don't feel respected, valued or heard in my relationship and I don't know what to do. My disability is making every fight bigger and every choice pointless. ¿What can I do about this?
So, in summary, my girlfriend (26F) and I (26F) have been dating for 1.5 years, and living together for 1 year. To say that our situationship is complicated is an understatement. I am disabled and a wheelchair user, this wasn't exactly the case when we met since at that moment I was almost healthy, I have been getting worse and since the past 10 months I lose function of my legs almost everyday, aside for the chronic pain for which I take a lot of painkillers (For example of morphine I take 160mg/day). Somedays it's just a bad day, but sometimes there are reasons for that (for example cleaning, walking more than 10 minutes, getting hit with a door). It wasn't like that when we met, It was only my right leg and It wasn't everyday, more like a week or two of every month, and I was with a lot less of painkillers but I already warned her that It could get a lot worse and she was okay with that.
Sometimes I feel like it's a dream relationship (we talk a lot, she is kind, understands me, is emphatic, sweet and funny, gets along very well with my friends and hangs out with us, etc) but It only lasts as long as I don't try to tell her something that bothers me, she always act very defensive (yelling, fake-laughting, saying ofensive things, try to make it my fault or to make me feel like I'm exagerating it) and I feel like I have to put on a facade and act like nothing bothers me or makes me angry or sad because if she sees that I do a gesture or a face or say something in a voice dryier than usual she gets defensive again and starts doing the same things.
I understand how frustrating my situation can be in a relationship, Since I'm on a work leave every time my legs work and don't feel like I'm dying from pain or I'm not incredibly high because of the painkillers (not in a funny way but more like in a vomiting, fainting and having problems to express myself way) I try to do things like getting grouceries, cooking, cleaning, walk the dog, etc. But I feel like she doesn't appreciate how much effort that takes for me and how frightended I am everytime I do something of that list because It can lead to a lot more pain or to lose function of my legs again that day.
There are two things that hurts me the most and that are making me consider ending the relationship, first the defensive stuff I told before, and second the cleaning. With her is a really, really concerning issue and its all because of her lazyness. She can (and does) leave the dishes dirty for over a week, just as leaving the cats box without changing (Ignoring my opinion about It she decided to start wrapping the box in a trash bag so she can just take the bag and don't clean the box like ever), doesn't clean the kitchen in weeks, leaves trash around the house and expired foot in the fridge, etc. Every time it's me who has to sacrifice and deep clean the house, getting days without being able to walk and with an even more intense pain just so she can continue not cleaning. When it gets to a point where she has to clean, wether is because I ask her to do It or because she is frustrated with the state of the house, she is extremally irritable, complains, yells and creates huge fights over every small thing.
I know is difficult for her, she works as a university teacher (online) and is finishing her PhD and sometimes she has to work for more than 10 hours a day, but my problem is not with that, if It were the case It wouldn't bother me so much but even when she has had a month long vacations or when she has almost nothing to do so spends weeks working 10h per week it's the same things. She is also really slow when she cleans, i have tried teach her, sending her videos, etc, but she just can't seem to be able to wash the dishes in less than 2 hours (when she does it). Today she has a day off and said that she was going to clean. As for now, almost 10pm, she has wash half the dishes, swept the bathroom and sent her mother to buy groceries (she lives a 10 min walk from our house). I think part of the problem is that she inherited the house and has live here alone with no one telling her to do anything for years. I, on the other side, since i was still 20 had to work 40h/week while finishing my studies and clean the house that i rent with my ex partner and stayed paying the bills alone when we broke up some years ago.
She also has TOC, so even when I try to do the cleaning myself she gets anxious, complains and gets angry if I don't do It exactly how she wants, to the point that I have sometimes had to ask her to leave the room/house just so I could clean. And if I don't clean the house reaches extra messy and the she gets anxious, complains and gets angry if I touch this, walk there, etc.
I have tried EVERYTHING. I have read every reddit post, every article, have tried telling her with kindness and trying to be empathic, I have sometimes yelled or be mad about it, which I'm not proud but i was emotionally exhausted, nothing works, she always gets an attitude and everything tourns into a fight because how do i dare telling her that the house is dirty if she has clean half of the dishes and put clothes in the laundry (but not started it), sent a message to her mother to buy groceries and sweep the bathroom?
I'm really tired. The problem here is that I love her but I'm getting really hurt in this relationship, I don't feel like my efforts are being accounted for, just as my opinion doesn't matter and I feel like I am in constant watch because of the starting a fight because i have made this face, said "okey" in that voice, etc. And I know that I'm no Saint, I'm stubborn and when i am in pain I'm more irritated, I have more needs than the usual person because of my disability, can't help a lot of days with chores, etc, but I feel that when I make a mistake I come forward even if It takes me to relax first if I'm angry and apologise, but when she makes a mistake if I dare to point It out she gets angry and almost never apologise.
She also acts very immature when she is angry and gets an "fuck-you-you-did-this-so-I-wont-do-what-you-wanted-me-to-do-even-if-i-previously-agreed" kind of attitude (cancelling plans with friends, not cleaning what she was about to clean, not cooking when she was supposed too). It gets to a point where she loses control, for example today we argued because I tried to tell her to focus on less tasks and finish one first before getting to the other because of everything she was supposed to do today she hasn't finished any. (For the record, since I know how that sounds, she is not adhd, i am) and she was supposed to cook lunch, the other day she didn't do It because we got on a fight and I told her that since my legs didn't function that day and i couldn't do It myself and she knew It was a mean thing to do because I take a lot of medication and It could lead to me having a lot of serious complications, she agreed that she acted wrong and was supposedly not going to do It again, it's 10pm and she hasn't Cook neither lunch neither dinner and since we were out of food I couldn't have breakfast this morning, she knows all of that and still has chosen to not do It just to piss me off.
We also started living together too soon because there was a natural catastrofe in the town I lived, a lot of people died, shops took months to reopen, a lot of buldings and infraestructures got flooded or destroyed (they only started having public transport) last month and since I have to attend a lot of medical appointments and didn't have car, my parents are very abusive people (hitting, yelling, name calling and all the stuff) so I couldn't live with them and since I have a difficult economic situation at the time since I'm in work leave and don't get my full salary and the rent situation is hell here I couldn't (and can't) afford to rent by myself (and because of my disability I can't live alone neither, the majority of my friends still live with their parents so sharing an appartment isn't a option).
This situation sometimes makes me feel trapped and I don't know what my answer to all of this would be if I were healthy and living on my own. I am in a very anxious state and honestly depressed, after somefights i have even consider the S word because I felt complety miserable and couldn't find anything to hold on to (obviously I have and will NEVER tell her that because I don't want her to feel morally compelled to be with me), so I don't know if this is just to vent or a cry for help or both, I really love her with all my heart but I'm starting to feel like some of this love is getting lost with all this things. I don't know what can I do, I feel like there is no point in anything anymore, that even with the most wonderful person in the world I'm gonna get hurt in one way or another because I'm too much of a burden and I will never live the life I envisioned for myself. If only I wasn't disabled I could clean the house myself everyday or stand up for myself more confidently but as It is now there's only so little I can do about it.