I get a good amount of likes and matches on dating apps or even DMs on my Instagram account, where I have a decent following.
Guys who get a reply back from me usually act super excited at first, complimenting my beauty and happily texting back with fast replies. They even usually plan nice dinner dates as a first date and offer to pick me up/do it the right way.
Over time is the issue. I’ve rarely ever gone on a first date that didn’t turn into a second date, but I’ve gone on many, many second and third dates that never turned into third or fourths.
Essentially, guys will meet me for the first time. Like me/find me attractive enough to organize a second date, but then sort of leave me hanging.
I usually don’t get an explicit message of “let’s end things because of xyz” but rather just randomly ghosted or slower replies that lead to eventually realize they’re not really interested.
It’s made me fear going on any more first dates because I’m tired of the same cycle. I want a real connection and relationship, not a few dates for fun’s sake.
I also never have slept with any of these guys so it’s clearly not something where they got in my pants and then lost interest. Maybe all of these guys have been hoping the second date would unlock sex and then were disappointed that it didn’t?
But the pattern has been too frequent for me to think it’s something shitty like that. Men, why would you ghost an otherwise good girl after a second date?
35 comments
Where are you and how fast can you be ready for a date?
Mmmm are you alao putting in effort? I dont mean like in looking good for a date but like. I initiating those conversations or taking the reins and asking for a third date?
Thats the most obvious generalistic answer but there are many other possibilities. We dont actually know you well enough to truly pinpoint anything
I’ll take a stab in the dark and say you are good at asserting and keeping your boundaries and they don’t like that.
It could be so many things. What happens with the second dates? Do they plan another nice dinner date? How does it end?
Don’t mean to be rude, but start with the common denominator here: you. How are you on the dates? Are you showing genuine interest in him, responding to what he says, putting effort into the conversation?
If the dates go very well overall, consider why you’re choosing who you are choosing. Is there something these guys all have in common? What qualities do they have that make you interested in them? Maybe you have to go back to the drawing board and find some new selection criteria.
Just some things to consider.
For me, the second date usually allows me to see what a person’s true personality is. I get to see them in a different outfit. Maybe I learn some more details about themselves, what they’re looking for, or how they react in certain situations.
I’m not sure what changed in me this year but I landed a lot more second dates. Some reasons why I decided to end things included: couldn’t keep a conversation going, bad teeth (wasn’t apparent on first date), differing views on religion and wanting kids, love bombing, and things progressing way too slow.
In reality, there’s a lot of possibilities, and I would certainly not beat yourself up. The dating apps are a numbers game. I’m currently taking a couple months’ break from the apps cause it just got exhausting.
Are you putting in equal effort? Guys for the most part know they have to ask the girl out and plan the first date. But if you then have to plan the second, and the third, it gets old fast. And are you paying? If I pay for the first date and the girl doesn’t then insist on paying for the second, it’s a big red flag to me.
Secondly, are the relationships progressing? If a girl won’t even kiss me, or I get a small peck on the lips on the second or third date I very quickly lose interest. I’m looking for a romantic relationship, not a friend.
And thirdly, are you showing interest on the dates? Do you just answer questions or do you ask them back? If it doesn’t feel like you’re genuinely interested and want to go to know the other person then continuing to see you will feel like a waste of time.
I’d start with how do you show interest to them? Do ask them questions with curiosity about wanting to know them better?
Since the apps are a number game and people are always looking for better. It’s not much you change it if you are having open and honest conversations.
At OP
Well, unfortunately, like a few people have said, there’s not a lot of info about you here. So it’s really hard to get a picture of who you are or what the situation is outside of what you have said. 🙁
Like some people say it could be you….but….. Maybe depending on the kind of guys you’re dating, (if they’re really good looking, or in some other way really popular) in this hookup culture, other girls are giving them way more than they should way too quickly? And they just have a plethora of options? So then they lose interest, and that’s not really your fault?
All of us are just guessing though.
If you have a male friend, I would start by asking them for some advice. And if not, maybe try and find a male friend who can give you an outside perspective.
That can be difficult if that male friend is also attracted to you though… You need someone familiar with you, Someone who has good insight, and someone who will be very honest.
Good luck out there. I wish I had the problems you have. Lol
What do you look like in pictures versus real life? Are you overweight?
Might sound bad, but sometimes the novelty wears off. Some guys see an atrractive woman on a dating app or instagram with a sizable following and they just want to test themselves to see if they can break through the crowd. It’s not always about sex, and it’s not even always about the woman. Sometimes, it’s about the conquest and proving to yourself that you can get the woman you want to respond to you. A lot of guys believe in social proof and the idea that being seen in public with attractive women will attract more attractive women.
I can’t speak directly to what you’re doing in particular, but sometimes it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with a guy’s ego.
Yeah, you’re just dodging bullets. I dont know if you’ve heard the saying “tinder 2 step” its mostly just because people plan to smash on the second or 3rd date. If you get a good inundated with likes then your probably fairly attractive which can cause you to probably choose guys thats lots of other women also click on. So unfortunately this algorithm doesn’t actually work because they need you to stay subscribed. Try going on a date with one of the guys thats not maybe the most photogenic.
Those men only want sex. Put out, and they’ll hang around. Thats how basic and animalistic their brains are
You sound like you’re a class act.
I once had a date where she had an ice I couldn’t get beyond it. She was bitting her nails at the restaurant table.
It’s sooo complicated and each person is unique. I would say it is fairly easy to pinpoint and weed out the guys who just want sex, and they usually don’t make a huge effort to make the dates nice. Nor do they really want to get to know you-you can tell.
Just make sure you are having fun and not putting too much pressure on finding “the one.” If they’ve made a real effort and taken you on a nice date, perhaps suggest a fun outing, like bowling or a bike ride or a concert? Something fun where you can get to know them and laugh a lot.
I’m always the one getting ghosted so it’s always me or something I don’t know. I certainly don’t expect sex on the second date
I usually only get one date and when I say no to sex or going back to their place I never hear from them again. So I hear ya.
I think they definitely more often than not are hoping to hit and when you show you aren’t into that they just leave. Good riddance if you ask me. Finding someone decently interested in you for you is hard especially through dating apps. Keep trying and dont let it get you down.
Probably guys trying to get into dating again sfter a long stint of being single. My guess is they see you as way out of their league, and thinking they’re doing you a favor by not dating you, that you’ll find someone better than them in no time. That’s a mental hurdle I’m dealing with. I want to date, marry, start a family, but ive set up both mental and physical blocks against it. My last relationship took my savings, house, cars, job security, my credit, and for a while, my sanity. My current car is sleek, expensive looking, but too cluttered to give someone a ride, and my house is fit for a family with three – five kids, but cluttered making it definitely not a place to bring a woman home. Mentally… I’m not quite ready to have my heart ripped out again. I am not saying the men you’re dating have had the same experience, but your situation sounds like my last attempt at dating.
Had a friend brag he’d been on 100 dates last year…100 coffee dates is 100 dates?
It’s not you, it’s them because they didn’t get what they want. Just improve your vetting or take this is a blessing in disguise
I’m going to talk to you as a 57 year old man.
I’ve been single for nearly 6 years now. Every time I make a connection and we talk and set up the first date, they bail. Excuse after Excuse.
It’s tiring.
I don’t think it’s you. It’s them hoping you’ll put out I’m thinking. Younger guys generally are game players.
I’ve not even been lucky enough for a first date. Let alone second or third. Maybe no women want an older man anymore?
Pics don’t match in person looks
Probably nothing. That’s dating, it’s a get to know each other selection process. Most likely you aren’t making the cut for them. If a guy is interested, he will pursue you, if not, he won’t.
It’s harder for women to accept rejection, they are not used to it. Kicking and screaming they’ll argue otherwise, but it’s just plain rejection.
Don’t be dismayed, keep dating, some guy might like you, and you might like him as well, then keep dating to see where it leads. That’s dating.
I would not ghost you for that but I consider dating apps primarily for sexual connections. While I do not expect nor necessarily enjoy sex at first date, if it doesn’t happen at the third one and you are not mentioning clearly why I would think you are not interested or playing hard to get or worse looking to be worshipped/offered dinners etc (depending from the situation).
In other words, I would not open a dating app for long term connections even if that may eventually happen
A lot of men will go two – three dates for an attractive women in hopes of sleeping with her but any dates after that mark are seen as work and commitment which they don’t want to do.
Most will lie, manipulate put on a mask to get with you
The process of making them wait longer and go on more dates is perfect for filtering out dirt bags
Your doing the right thing don’t dought yourself, perhaps try going for someone different if you have a specific type or try texting less, leave more conversation for in person
I don’t think your doing anything wrong at all from what you’ve said
Its gotta be bad for me not to take you on a second date. Like i do the mental math and dont see a path forward to a good relationship or you are completely different in person.
My guess is alot of guys are like me and youre going on more bad dates then you realize. Maybe change up the energy you bring to the date. If youre super talktive and bubbly tone it down a hair. If youre overly quiet and letting him do all the talking control the convo bit more ask him more questions. If youre getting 2nd and 3rd dates it aint your looks
> even DMs on Instagram account, where I have a decent following
Maybe they see your Instagram following and figure that you get too many DMs that they don’t want to compete with. What do you post there?
Pick a different type of guy maybe.
how did the conversation flow
were you the better conversationalist?
it could just be that a decade or two ago you could chat with people more before meeting them so things didn’t fall apart like that, now it’s all about oh you got a photo, let’s meet
Without knowing how you are presenting yourself on dates, I think the reality is that 99% of people aren’t going to be the right person for you, especially if you are looking for a relationship or marriage. Men who are just after sex are going to self-eliminate if you don’t sleep with them soon. And the men who want more are going to eliminate themselves if they don’t see the connection. When mutual connection is present, you both feel it, so I have to assume you haven’t come across it yet. That’s okay! Keep showing up, keep going out with men who seem interesting. Dont get discouraged if the connection isn’t there. They call true connection RARE for a reason.
You have three options :
• They notice something about you which they don’t dare to confess as the reason of their ghosting.
• They have found someone else in the whiletime (Unlikely).
• They want to obtain sex, but don’t get it in the time span estabilished by their criterias.
I’m not going to be your investigator, so think about it and have a conclusion.
There’s already a lot of comments here so I’m reluctant to post but it’s difficult to determine much with this info. It’s difficult to know if sharing too much/little info in your position, so I’m sympathetic for you on that.
That said, things I’d consider if I were you:
Maybe consider conversation topics you have had. And your input in the conversations – if drawing a metaphor, are you engaging and providing fun and returnable topic questions and opinions in convo? Do you notice their energy shift during the dates at all? Or is the shift occurring exclusively via text? Do you reply too quickly when texting? It can be a whole array of things really.
Welcome to online dating, my dude.
What’s your end goal here? Are you paying for dates? What kind of dates? Red flags? So many questions.. so little care.