I am a straight female in my early twenties. I believe I am considered attractive based on comments I’ve gotten throughout my life. I graduated from a small all-girls high school with the same group of kids from junior school. I started noticing how uncomfortable making new friends was for me in college. I felt more comfortable befriending and having casual conversations with men. When I talk to men, in the back of my mind, I have a thought/belief that tells me I don’t have to stress about whether they are enjoying their time with me because if they don’t like talking to me, they at least like looking at my face (TT). I know it’s insane, but this is the way I’m able to relax. It’s led to some great friendships and experiences that I truly cherish. I don’t really care if they find/found me attractive because we both enjoyed the friendship in our own ways.
Generally, with women, I feel anxious because I don’t have the possible attraction to rely on. I often feel like I have to be careful of what to say, be sweet, funny, and peaceful. It’s like I lock myself up in this fake, demure version of myself, and it’s incredibly difficult to be in the moment. Conversations end up hollow, awkward, and short. My mind feels foggy. The one new female friend that I genuinely feel comfortable with is my long time college roommate. Living together made it easier to be comfortable with her.
The thing is, I’ve found myself in a new social group through my special interests. How I look is very clearly irrelevant here, and the vibe is that we all want to keep it that way. I would really like to feel more comfortable and be my one unique self with them, but I don’t know how. I worry that I’d be misunderstood, hurt someone, or embarrass myself by letting loose.
Any tips or any thoughts on why I might have this problem to begin with would be appreciated.