Hey all, I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 8 months. He’s a really lovely man, caring, supportive, checks in, listens, and really sees me. He made a strong effort from the start and has been consistent in a lot of good ways. He’s a pilot, but we make time to see each other when we can and have been talking about building a future.
Early on, he introduced me to his friends and siblings in another city. That was his idea, it felt a bit early to me after 3mo, but it was sweet and went well. That gave me the sense he was serious. (Hey BF if you read this)
Lately though… In the past two months, he’s canceled plans to meet either my family or his family twice now. His explanations have been unclear. I didn’t want to jump to conclusions, so I asked for a proper conversation to clear things up. But instead of feeling better after that, I’ve been left with this weird feeling bc he insists he cancelled on our plans bc of logistics and money. I want to stay grounded and patient, but I feel like I deserve mature conversations.
For example, last week, I invited him to come to my hometown for two days to meet my close friends, just like I met his. I said I could cover the accommodation, explained it was important to me but made sure not to put pressure on him. He said yes, and that he’d take the days off. I went ahead and bought my own tickets.
Today I checked in again, and he canceled. He said he was really sorry but that he couldn’t afford it right now because his trip to his parents cost him a lot in gas. I said ok, and went to sleep. But I couldn’t shake off the feeling of this being a very shallow answer. Today he sent a message and asked me to bring wine home, which he had promised to do to treat me when I got home. Like he was taking back his efforts.
So I asked for clarity today (gently) if he felt like he could be honest with me. We talked a bit throughout the day, and he kept saying it was just about the fuel costs. He also added something like “It would’ve been super cool to see your city,” which kind of threw me off. To me, this wasn’t about the city at all…
A similar example happened a month ago. He invited me to his hometown to stay for a week and meet his parents. I said yes after thinking about it for a day. But after that, he seemed to pull back a bit. He started giving reasons for me not to go… like that the car ride would be too long for me, that I’d need time off work, and that there’d be other chances. But
he never actually asked how I felt. After a few days of messy communication, I eventually said I’d stay home. His response felt like relief.
Now I’m just kind of confused. The only reasons I’ve been given for these canceled plans are the cost of fuel so that he can’t buy plane tickets (even though it’s cheaper for him than me), and the idea that it might be stressful for me to go with him (which I’ve said it’s not).
I know he’s thinking a lot about saving money, I want to respect his answers but I feel set aside..
I’ve asked if there’s anything else going on, and since then, our communication has felt pretty surface-level. No major fight, but something feels off. We haven’t seen each other in two weeks due to his job and my travels, which probably adds to the weirdness.
I guess I’m just sitting with the question: is this about logistics and bad timing, or is there something deeper going on?
Part of me wants to just take a step back and watch how things unfold for a while. I don’t want to overreact, but I also don’t want to ignore my gut when something feels off. I care about him a lot and don’t want to lose what we have… but I also value open, honest communication, especially around important stuff like this.
Would appreciate any thoughts or perspectives. I’m trying to keep a clear head
and not project things that aren’t there.